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Tell me all about it... My furry feline housemates just sort of showed up at my door, but are now members of the family as much as any child or spouse. As they age, I know the day is coming that hard decisions will have to be made, and the pain that will bring.

The joy and companionship is worth that price. At least to me...

I learned how to compartmentalize things at an early age. That coping mechanism has served me well over the years. But it still is not easy.

FW

I'm with fly on this one. Buddhist say that desire is the problem..they might be right. attachment can be a strange thing. I go to church with my wife but am not a Christian. still I've become very attached to the congregation especially some of the older folks we give a ride to from time to time. they've become family.

I don't know how you can avoid feeling an attachment to someone you care about and cares about you. I have learned to not show my feelings as much as I have but they are still there. I think it is more how we handle the end and how we handle ourselves. I have also been told I was cold because I hid my feelings so it's a catch 22 at times. Damned if you do and damned if you don't..LOL

Dragon that is sweet going to church with your wife..

I'm afraid that I am another one with attachment problems - I too get easily attached - I try not to, I know what's happening but then it's too late. Like anakris and fly say - the pain at the ending is hard. I haven't been able to deal with these feelings - sometimes you just get on with one person so well that it is so hard to say goodbye when you know you will never see them again. How does one learn how to NOT get attached??

I have no problem getting attached, but detaching is the difficult part. The reason one attaches and detaches is significant.

When I entered the monastery I had a real eye opening experience. I had to give away or sell all my possessions. I rented an unfurnished apt. and furnished it myself. As I sat in my nearly empty apt, I felt like a part of me had died. We don't think of how we put ourselves into our dwellings, and what our possessions of varying kinds have become so meaningful to us, until you have to shed everything, and I mean everything. You can't take any of your possessions into monastic life.

Along with that, I had to give my dog away. Finding a home for him wasn't easy, and I was in a horrible state over that. Tears flowed and I felt a good deal of pain. It was like separating from my child forever.
It was so bad that I made my dog sick as he soaked up my emotions. When I took him to the vet, the vet said it looked like he needed to give tranquilizers to both the dog and his mother. It was horrible.

Why did I do this very difficult thing? For love of God and the calling I felt to enter the monastery. I left, and started normal life again. No pets this time, and I didn't acquire furniture or many possessions. Living without these attachments was so much less painful. And I didn't know what I would do next. My spirituality was deep and I knew I needed the freedom to make decisions to go elsewhere if I needed to.

I learned that detachment allows freedom. One is not bound to anything or anyone, when single and living simply.

Another kind of attachment is to family, friends, and the individual we fall in love with. I won't speak of when that attachment is clearly a good one, a commitment shared. However, there are instances when the bond of family is not strong, and one learns live with detachment from 'family', as a protective measure. It is sad when people want to love and express it, but the response doesn't match.

I began a small community of Christian women, which became the model of what Christian community should be. It wasn't planned, it evolved under a huge amount of grace that formed us. When we wanted to welcome a new member, we did so passing on our history and journey. Each of us focused on some aspect of our journey together. When we brought it all together, we were stunned at what had taken place and we felt exceptionally blessed. I entered a missionary community and while it was difficult to leave my sisters, I did so. This time however, I had the learned from my previous experiences, and I was at peace during this shedding of everything. I loved my sisters so much, but we had joy over my going to a missionary community. It seemed an appropriate action for the way the group had evolved.

Finally, I go to the most difficult of attachments. That of an attachment to someone you love deeply, to the extent that you want to be with that person forever. Unfortunately, that isn't what the other person wants at some point, for any reason they have. How do you stop loving someone you have a romantic attachment to? Wow! For me, this is the ultimate difficulty in becoming detached. There's no on/off switch, nothing one can do to turning of the feeling and emotions that result from a separation. In any case, the one left holding their heart is crushed.

The remedy is time and effort to refocus one's life. There is a reason for everything, so I try to discover what I learned from that relationship. That may be the main reason that destiny brought us together, to learn something. Then I ask if I did anything to benefit the other person. If the answer is yes, I feel more peace, because I would hate to have done nothing to better the life of the other person in some way.

Think of the person who is leaving the other. What do they see? Is the reaction of the one being left such that it is liberating, and show unconditional love? This is difficult, but helps to give true freedom as a gift to the other. Hanging on, pleading, begging, threats, resentment, anger, guilt trips are all alternatives that are contrary to love, and speak of one's pain. Would we imprison the one we love? No, so there is no other choice but to liberate from the love one has for the other. That is what detachment is in this instance...liberation for the love one has for the other.

Both attachment and detachment are good if in the proper balance. Attachment to someone who might be a spouse one day, should be a progressive process that is dependent on the corresponding response from the one loved.

Detachment allows one to change their lives, locations, careers, anything for a greater good, and sometimes because we have no choice as a result of others choices.

Detachment is really part of liberation of a person own life. It isn't a negative. If one has a true sense of who they are, and has achieved wholeness, detachment allows for a more expansive love, more inclusive. It recognizes that all things are temporary in our lives. One enjoys, loves, shares, gives, out of freedom, expecting nothing in return, and being able to say good-bye without a sense of crushing loss.

In all, loss is temporary too. Time mends the wounds of loss. I think we have to recognize that there is a certain amount of pain in any separation that occurs in our life as humans who attach easily. However, if we also have accepted and understood detachment, we can lesson the impact when separation is necessary.

It is about love and freedom. If we truly love, we can free others.

This past year has been a lesson in detachment and letting go for me. First, my father died in April then my son moved to another state in May and two weeks ago my sweet little parakeet died. They say "bad" things happen in three's well I feel I have had my "3". Each loss felt like a death to my "self". What is so interesting about attachment is that it usually happens without our even remotely being aware of it. It can catch us totally off guard even in the midst of relationships and circumstances frought with conflict. But, what is the alternative to becoming attached? There really is none unless you want to feel nothing for anyone or anything. I believe it is attachment that brings meaning and stability to our lives inspite of the suffering that may follow. It is what makes people stay in families, jobs and communities.

A lot of losses in a short period of time, Anakris. It's never easy to let go.
We give love to and receive love from our pets, and making the decision to put them down is hard.
I've had several parakeets ... the first one I spent a lot of time with, let it fly around the house, etc. When I moved I gave it to a friend who had small children, thinking it would be a happy situation for everyone involved. The parakeet died within a week, and when I heard what had happened, my heart broke for having made a decision that may have caused the little creature's death.

Attachment to material things is something I struggle with. I know I would feel much lighter and freer if I would get on the ball and do something about letting go of all the clutter I've collected over my lifetime. I'm just not motivated enough to do much about it yet ... I clear out half a closet and then quit. Sigh!

Perhaps the tendency to form attachments, affection, caring about and for another is part of our humanity. Without the capacity to feel pain we probably could not feel love. To material things is another issue. Sometimes I think people collect things to fill some kind of need for something that is lacking in their life.

Having known and observed a person who doesn't attach to anyone, I would rather suffer the highs and lows of living, loving and losing than be like he. He has loved no one. Not parents, nor siblings, nor pets. The most cold, detached person I have ever known. Even his son punched him out as soon as he became of age -- for all the time that man never spent with him, for buying him things, but never caring or loving him. He stood by dispassionately to watch his mother die over the course of 2 years, mistreated by another sibling, unnecessary, cruel things done to her. And never lifted a hand or voiced an objection. His interests are solely for himself. What he can get from other people, in business where he deals by hook or by crook, or even from his siblings. He sleeps well at night, too, he says.

To answer your question, anakris, it's to be like him.

Thank you for your understanding Barb. The attachment to my little parakeet came as a total surprise to me. I had her for less than two years but she was good company and kept me entertained. My understanding was that parakeets can live up to 15 years but then I found out that most only make it between 2 and 5 years. They either fly out the window or meet with an accident. I think mine may have had a heart attack but why I don't know. I would like to get another one but decided against it. I don't want to feel that badly again over a little bird.

Attachment in many ways stem from addiction; we become addicted to people and things, and some become enmeshed with people and things to the point where they have lost their boundaries.

In this case a person might say that “me and that person are one” and it is much more than and attachment, rather it is and enmeshment, or and addiction. I am of the belief that just about everyone is addicted to something or someone, and when we lose that something or someone we go through symptoms similar to drug withdrawal.

There are definitely people who use other people like a drug, and the same can be said of things. We develop chemistry with people and things and in the sense of attachment that chemistry is usually one that makes us feel good, makes us feel comfort, etc.

Withdrawal from a drug gives the opposite effect of the drug; if the person takes and upper, like and amphetamine, than the withdrawal is a downer and people say they came off the drug and crashed; but if the drug is a downer, like cigarettes that calm people down, then the withdrawal will be and upper, or and anxiety attack. The same can be said for people and things.

We grieve the loss of our attachments and that grief, in many ways, is similar to withdrawal from and addiction. It’s not about being detached rather it is about thoroughly enjoying the moment when people and things are with us and letting go of them once we or they move on. A person does not know whether they are addicted to something until they go without it. Living in the moment is key.