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I acquired a book several years ago, titled "A Grief Disguised, How the Soul Grows through Loss". I started to read it , but was unable to tolerate the absurd idea that my loss could bring the growth of anything good in my life. (the author of the book lost his daughter, his wife and his mother, all in one auto accident.)
I picked the book up again now that it has been 4 years since my husband died. I found it a wonderful, enriching read!
I remembered that it had just been 4 years in 2005 since we had lost our teenage son. At that time, I felt that I had finally removed most of that horribly heavy brick wall that had fallen on me at his death. I could cherish memories instead of cowering in my painful nightmare. Then, a few months later, I lost my husband and that brick wall came crashing down on me again.
As I was reading that book, I came to the realization that 4 years is how long it takes me to deal with loss and turn that corner that allows growth instead of diminishment. It may be different for others, as our losses are all so very unique. I used to think about profound issues as God's sovereignity, the randomness of tragedy, and eternity because I wanted to. After I lost my son, I had to think about, and I was obsessed with, these things because I HAD to have answers. There is NO answer that can justify or explain my loss, I accept that now, gladly, because answers would only make God too small and denigrate my loved ones. Instead, I can now accept and embrace suffering as a way to realize God's essential nature. In suffering, the soul expands and peace is attainable through the knowledge of how infinite is God's love.
I will go now, in peace, not that I won't have my grief. But I will know that it is something that the enemy of my soul meant to harm to me with, BUT GOD has transformed it to bring good to me.