I just joined this group and hope someone can help...I have a burning question with no answers ... How does one deal with people that cause negitive reactions in your life? People who seem to constantly hurt you or let you down...leaving you dissappointed in the relationship... Is it the christian thing to do to turn away...? God never turns away from us no matter what and to be in HIS excellence are we suppose to continue with friends like that or let them go? I seem plagued with friend and relatives that constantly draw me into a relationship which I enjoy only to drop off to silence and their own life leaving me disappointed and hurt .... offering to be best friends and then months of no communication...it's an emotional roller coaster I don't want to be on anymore but feel guilty if I turn away because I strive to do the right Christian thing... Any advise or help on this...?? QTip...
Good morning qtip...the only insight I can give is from my own experience. Negative people drain the energy out of you. I don't think it would be 'un-Christian' of you to distance yourself from those types of people. You have to look after yourself and your own well-being first. It's hard to develop inner peace with constant negativity in your life. 'God helps those who help themselves', so help yourself and fill your life with those who bring positive energy into it.
You have come to the right place here. There are other members in this group who will have even more in-depth answers than mine, I'm sure. This is a great group.
My advice is to walk away....not with hate or anger in your heart but wish them well and walk away..we have to be able to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others...any relationship is a two way street...it is not all about giving or all about taking..it should be a nice blend of both. I wish you well...hugs, Pam
I believe the answer to your question, lies within the question, itself?! We ALL give freely of our friendship, only to have times in our lives when TIME seems to be our worst enemy. We want to be a closer friend, but circumstances warrent otherwise, see? Using my own circumstances, i'll try to make an example. I love to sing, and when I was younger, I had the musical ability of a male Barbara Streisand. However, I was also very attracted to being a father, and husband, and those desires took precedence. Thus, I AM plaqued, or perhaps gifted, with an aversion to bringing attention to myself, which, of course, precluded the singer desire, for, the later. Perhaps, in another life, I AM, or will be, that singer. But for now, father and husband! Time, itself, is the quality that makes or breaks one's attitude! To be, or not to be...PATIENT, have, PATIENCE! I hope this helps...
Expectations often leave us disappointed and hurt, and it is difficult not to have expectations when you have enjoyed a person’s company. Different people have different ideas of how friendship is suppose to work and it might be helpful just to sit down with these people, one on one, and share your feelings. Let them know what you feel is going on and what you expect from them, and if they can not meet your needs then move on.
You have shared the way that you feel but do you know how they feel? Why they do what they do, etc.? The most important thing in any relationship is honest communication. You gotta let people know how you feel, and do it in a very respectful and sensitive way, and no I do not think it is un-spiritual to let go and move on. But also if you learn that they are limited in what they can offer you can choose to adapt to their limitations and maintain a friendship on a limited basis. It’s up to you, but you will not know until you have a heart to heart sharing with them.
Is it possible that your definition of friendship is more intense than they can maintain? If you think it might be, I would give them some distance . . . not actually turning away from them. That is, enjoy their company, be fun and friendly, but let them make the overtures for when and how long to meet.
This has been a burning question in my life. I've reflected on it many times over the years. It became a bigger question after being a part of a very small group that grew to become a model of Christian community with unconditional love as the glue. It was incredible.
After experiencing that, and having moved, had lifestyle changes, illness, so many changes, the grew members each went their way. There was nothing bad in that, it was just the evolution of lives in directions they had to go. Still, after such an experience, there is kind of a void that can't be replaced. It is like trying to replace a close family member after they have passed on.
My expectations for many years were always involved in looking for the same thing. My error. New acquaintances become friends on a gradual basis. Some want only to be close acquaintances, not true friends. For some the commitment of friendship is something they want to keep at a distance.
We too easily use the word 'friendship", and that has changed the definition into something that has a wide spectrum of meaning. That is why one has to sit down and at least casually discuss how others define the word, and what that means to them. You need to do so as well so you can determine what it is you are looking for.
I have only a few people I would call true friends, and we are at a distance. All others are varying degrees of acquaintances. This is based on my personal definitions and evaluations of my relationships.
There have been times when someone, including myself, have needed to feel a close friendship, and at the same time feared being abandoned by friends. This puts a pressure on relationships that have not evolved into the kind of closeness that we desire. I had to learn to stop expecting people to meet my expectation when they were weren't fulfilling my unrealistic needs. I had to examine myself to see if I was being needy, clinging and possessive.
There were times I could see that as the case, and I had to look to the source of these issues, and deal with them in myself. It is not realistic to expect others to fill my needs when they are out of balance, due to experiences in my life. Learning to back off is difficult, but becomes less painful as we grow and heal as individuals. I also had to learn to stop comparing one person on the basis of my relationship with another. That measuring stick is defeating.
All of this made me seriously face many issues and accept that I want far more than what most people are able to give. That leaves me in a position of sublimating my desires to what the other person is able to give. I accept their capability, rather than expect mine. This is not a perfect solution, but is there really a perfect solution possible in today's society? People are speeding around at a fast pace, and often over committed to activities, stressed trying to meet their own expectations, etc.
If you are feeling loneliness, and wish to find a friendship that changes that, it is important to understand that "loneliness" is not just an emotional issue, it is part of our life condition. We are not in our true "Home". We are here as in a school. Our longing for our true home is deep. Most everyone feels this deficiency. Some face it scarely, others run from this, fearing they have something wrong with themselves. This might be true on the emotional level, and should be dealt with, however, on the soul level, it is a state that will never change until we are "Home" again. This type of loneliness is a motivation to keep growing and evolving so we finally can permanently be "Home". It creates a hunger within us that calls us to a deeper spiritual life here. If one gets a sense of that part of them being fulfilled in some way, it is a blessing, not a normal occurrence. Our souls long for something more, and that is only partially satisfied through meditation and growing in the spiritual connection of our soul with our Source. If we expect that fulfillment in friendship, we expect something that normally isn't possible here.
What is left? We must choose unconditional love. We are concerned with giving, respecting, freeing people we want to be friends with. We don't push for something that can't be given. What is returned to us is something that grows within its own limits, but what we give can be unlimited, if it is unconditional, expecting no return on what we give as a gift. Love displaces judgment, and that results in joy.
So many great things have been said here, I'm not sure I can add much. I am reminded of a book that had a great impact on me during the beginnings of my spiritual growth. It has a line that says, "Don't look at the person who hurt you, look to the reason you felt hurt". I struggle with that passage from time to time. I know it has to do with expectations as was said earlier. It's a difficult thing to give love and not feel that you are loved in return in the same way. But no one can love like you can because they are not you. The way you love and give is uniquely yours. And the way they love or behave is theirs. We cannot change another person, only ourselves.
If we are more loving and accepting, will the other person react with less hurtful behavior? And acceptance is really about allowing the other person to be who they are without our judgements. There is also a place of discernment where we allow them to be who they are but choose for ourselves more distance from the things that do not serve us.
Give yourself the gift of self-love and spiritual growth. Give more attention to that than to the hurts. Bless the people you love in your life who give you joy, even when they drive you a little crazy. Sometimes, that's enough to change the whole situation. Sometimes, it's not.
I agree, wonderful words of advice here on relationships from all of you. I agree with looking at life as a sort of "school" ... sometimes we are the students, other times we have much of value to teach, even when we don't even realize we are doing it. I feel that the lesson is to learn how to love :)
One other thing that I wanted to mention about our expectations of others. Our early family life has much to do with what we may learn to expect. Someone who was raised in a family where sitting on parents' laps, hugging and kissing and saying I love you was the norm all through their growing years, is naturally going to have much different expectations from relationship than someone whose parents and siblings were not very demonstrative, or maybe emotionally or even physically abusive. It helps to learn these kinds of things about a person you have a desire for relationship with, in order to understand them better.
Once again this group is full of WISE and wonderful folks who have such great words to offer. Of course here i come with my perspective based in my OWN life: When it comes to our relatives, we, unfortunately, often cannot get away from them...sometimes we are forced by circumstance to have to LIVE with negativity daily. This is where I have learned to be PATIENT...the kind of PATIENCE that others notice and comment on...Daily. for me. THIS is the LORD, at work through me and IN me...I look at this as a GOOD thing for so much of life and day to day living requires PATIENCE of some sort. As for friendships...i think there are just simply times when we have outgrown certain friendships and must move on and away from those relationships...the other daay i heard someone say that FRIENDS ARE THE ONES WHO ARE WALKING IN THE DOOR WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS WALKING OUT.... If you have a CHOICE, then CHOOSE to be with those who at least TRY from time to time to look at things in the POSITIVE...and when there is NO CHOICE, then at least you can come HERE to this wonderful group and for a few minutes find ways to ENRICH your life and renew your soul !!
