Am I expecting too much?

Message 141 of 689

My 93 year old Mom is getting to be a handfull.
I know she can do things like walk,change her own depends wash dishes and all the general things for herself. She does nothing but complain and wait for the next meal!
We are constantly arguing over these things. I have a mother-daughter apt.I go in and she is sitting waiting for me to do all these things and has no consideration for me or my time! She stinks form not changing or washing and makes it very unplesent for my sister and I to do anything for her.
Right now I am unemployed and have time to "WAIT in her" but soon I will have to go back to work and am stressed.
Yes I know she is 93, but come on, give me a break!
I feel she is just controlling us this way. Her mind is still very sharp and she is very critical of me and my sisters lifestyle. She feels we should be suffering and working hard and coddeling our adult male children.
All the things my sister and I give her to make her life easier she fights tooth and nail! She won't use the life chair to get up, woun't use the walker tray, never gets dressed or puts her teeth in.
She is not depressed. When I take her to Doctors or medical appointments she is in her glory and acts cute and fiesty. The nurses can't believe her age!
We know she is just playing us and believe me it is getting difficult to even help her.
Others say we have to understand she is 93. Bull, I know she is just being a bi--ch to my sister and me!She can do so much more for herself!
How can I explain to her We are here and love her and want to help her. Every day she is getting lazier and weaker from not moving. I think she feels she is a burdon now and is covering up her real feelings. She is very heavy and if she gets bed ridden or falls I will have to put her in a home. I don't want to do this but I will if I have to.
Of course, my sister and I have a lot of guilt combined with anger over this.
Our lives started getting better after rotten, controlling ex husbands and now we are dealing with Mom! She put up with a bad marriage and stuck with it so we should have too!
Thanks again or letting me vent.
I know you guys will give me a different perspective on this or perhaps even beat me up about some things I have said but I take all advise and remarks to heart because I want to make these last years of my Moms life Happy. ( even this I know she has never been happy)
Thanks,
Bettytth

posted by Bettytth

It is time for you to get some help with her hygience and care. She won't like it but you need to find an aide - her doctor could put her on home health--and medicare would pay for aides to come for a couple months and help with her hygiene. Visiting Angels could help with an aide if she has the means to pay after that.

You know - when a person needs Depends...there are a lot of "nooks and crannies" that need to be cleaned after they are soiled and if urine or poo is left - the skin breaks down and it has a smell. She could have a problem already.

I think you and your sister need to sit down with your mother and her doctor and tell him/her what she is like normally and try to find out why she is treating you badly -- my husband's doctor used to tell me that he was so sure that I loved him and wouldn't leave...that I was the only person he could express his frustration to - but he could get so mean. People of that generation think Drs. are God's...it could be a word from him - bathing twice a week, getting dressed, could help. Call ahead and set it up so he know why you are there.

Arguing didn't work. My getting angry hurt me. I cried a lot but what seemed to work was a routine and love. We bathed two times a week - like it or not. We went out everyday for a short trip - grocery, etc. so he had to get dressed and I brushed his teeth, combed his hair, shoes and socks...his clothes were changed daily.

Your mother not going to be nice as is so take control for her health. Make a game out of it with your sister. If your mother says something mean - say something kind and sweet. Not sarcastic - with the love we all have for our parents. Make a fuss over her when she is showered - when she wears her teeth, etc. You won't have her much longer...and if you get through this tough time - you will have no regrets.