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Just curious about whether you regret divorcing him because you realize you still love him or because life is harder for you now.

Because life is harder now, I still like him. He did however marry 1 month after our divorce, we think a mail order bride as she does not speak much English.

Somehow you have to start feeling good about yourself and the decisions you made and let the past go. I know it is hard. I am having a tough time of it myself. I see older couples together and wonder what they have that I didn't. And yet, I don't really know what goes on behind their closed doors so there could be lots of discord, strife, various levels of abuse and bad treatment. Or just irritation. If he remarried shortly after your divorce, he may have just been looking for a place-holder after you left which means you were not that special for him.

I wanted to work on my marriage through counseling. I asked my husband many times. His answer was that he could not tell a stranger personal stuff and wouldn't listen to what a counselor had to say anyway. I could have chosen to stay with a rigid man for the rest of my life and might have done so if we hadn't moved way out in the country and cut ourselves off from everything we had built (well, really, that I had built) in the bigger city. I thought that by following his dreams, I could find happiness, but I was so unhappy and wanted what I had given up. But he wouldn't budge. I had several periods in our marriage that I wanted out, but hung in, hoping for the best.

I could have stayed and had a little more security, a partner to help with the things I now have to do by myself, someone who is waiting for me when I come home. But he didn't want to be any different than he always was, and in reality, it was wrong for me to expect him to be someone other than who he is.

I need to devote time to finding my "authentic self" and realizing that is the bonus to getting divorced. I deal with the more difficult life by simplifying as much as I can. And only doing the things that are necessary or pleasing to me.

Janke, my ex wanted to go to counseling with me, but.....I knew it wouldn't do any good, why we didn't go, if one person in a marriage is more sexual than the other, counseling will just not help, bottom line but now that I am a bit older, it doesn't seem as important.

I know, that is what I thought, how important could I have been to him, having been with him 21 years and then 1 month later he gets married, geeeez. Where is the love? My Mom said she thought he did that just to spite me so that I couldn't come back to him since I left him. If that is the case, then that is just being childish. I would have considered moving back in with my hubby, but he never gave me the opportunity. I had told him I needed to clear my head of who I was, which I did need to do, he said if I moved out, that was it, I was never to come back into that house again. Yeah, not someone you could reason with. He told me he loved me, this was just before I moved out, he said he would pay for money I spent to secure my apartment for me to move back into our house, and in the next breath he said that he was never attracted to me when he first met me, why he said that, I will never know. It did make me wonder about things 'though and perhaps somehow I knew I had to move on.

I know, it's very difficult learning to live on your own again, especially after you have had that security.

Hi luneib:

My counselor put it to me this way. It's like she is trying to hold onto me with one arm and pummel me with the other one. She says she loves me and wants to get back together, but then says hurtful things, tells me what's wrong with me and generally tries to make me feel like s**t. Then friends and relatives tell me, "Ooh, she wants to try again, how come you're not willing to make another go of it?" It's a no-win scenario, a Kobayashi-Maru test (for us Star Trek fans). If your situation was like mine, then you really had no choice, you had to leave, as difficult as it has been.

Financial difficulties are upon most of us ...
Believe me, financial security is the WRONG reason for staying in an unfulfilling relationship forever.
I was married for over 30 years. I left once to "get my head together", and we reconciled. Then he wanted me to leave, and I did, sat in an apartment waiting it out for three months, and we reconciled. Ten miserable years later, I left for the last time.

We all eventually learn to let go of the past. It's water under the bridge. Let go of the hurtful things that were said and done, keep the good in your heart. Get on with living in the now, and allow him do the same; he doesn't need your opinions or approval on what he is doing any more than you need his. The choices you have made are yours, and you are free to continue to make your own choices every day. Another Eons member puts it this way ...

"When you have one foot in the Past and one foot in the Future, you pee all over Today"

I agree with what you are saying BarbInBend and I like that statement.
"When you have one foot in the Past and one foot in the Future, you pee all over Today"
HELLO!

BarbinBend you said just about what I said to my ex when I was ready to leave him
"I left once to "get my head together" he just didn't understand that I needed some space, he just felt, you leave, you are not allowed back in this house. Real mature. Anyhoo, I think I made the right decision, I'm happier now.

So true, you can't live in the past and the present or you screw up the present and can't enjoy it.