My son is 18yrs. old and is a heroin addict. I have never joined a blog before,I need help in dealing with the pain and worry. I would appreciate all the advice I can get. He is presently in jail and he has been to 3 different rehabs. since last year. Please HELP
I don,t really have alot of sage advice, but I do know that at eighteen he,s considered an adult and will not listen to anything you have to say if he doesn,t want to. My son has been into drugs since he was fourteen and he,s forty six and in prison right now for stealing to pay for drugs. All you can do realistically is let him go to find his own path. I know that sounds cold, but if you don,t, then the drugs will not only have a hold on your son, but you and the rest of the family as well. I learned that the hard way. Drug addiction is a family addiction. You become as addicted to the addict and what he,s going to do next, as much as the addict does looking for drugs.
Thanks so much for your reply. God Bless You for all you have been thru. My son began using with his ''Aunt''(my ex-sister in law - in her 50's) last summer. I feel like I have aged 10 years since last summer. I am having such a hard time and want to see her fried. The police will not do anything about her becuase my son will not give them any information. Every day I pray that she gets busted. Somehow I have to deal with my anger towards her. I have not felt anger towards my son, just sadness (maybe it's displaced anger?) He is begging for us (his dad and I) to bail him out again, says he will go straight to another rehab. I told him I will not bail him out again (have already spent his college fund on rehabs, fines, court fees, lawyers...) Thank you again, Linda .
I have a 39 y/o son who has been drinking since the age of 11 and using since the age of 14. Like your son, he has been in and out of four or five different rehabs. I can tell you from personal experience, nothing you do will change your son. I know, because I've done it all...begged, cried, pleaded, screamed, reasoned, threatened, fussed, blamed, everything! The only person I succeeded in affecting with all my ranting and raving was me. My suggestion to you is to do your best to "let go and let God" take care of your son. I know that's easier said than done, but it's the only way you can successfully maintain any degree of sanity. Al-Anon was instrumental in helping me learn to deal with my "addiction" to his addiction. This Eons group is a wonderful place where you can vent to people who understand what you're going through. Please feel free to post whenever you need to and also pm me any time you like. I will keep you in my thoughts and pray that God will help us all.
Linda, I don't have much to add to what's already been said. My son picked up at 11 and got clean at 16 when he was facing felony drug charges. He's now 27, still clean and sober, but not without a cost emotionally, financially, physically, spiritually.
The anger is real and it's yours to have, but it's awfully unproductive. If she was the person who turned him onto drugs, she'll get her own in time. I think that if it was me, I'd work hard to let that go and focus on what would help me become the person I want to be. Without that, I cannot help anyone.
My deal was that I'd spend as much on my kid as I would've spent on his education, and not a penny more. That's what I have done. It helped give me some strength and power in a situation in which a parent doesn't have much. I couldn't strike my kid clean and sober. The only way that was going to happen was if he hit a bottom that would allow him to begin the climb back to a productive life. I was lucky - his got it the first time. But after 11 years, he's still an addict, and he still has the isms and I'm still the mom of an addict, and I still need to be aware that I'm neither part of his addiction or his sobriety. That all belong to him.
How to deal with the pain and worry is not an easy answer. Move a muscle and change a thought -- that's the advice I got. When it get's too hard to deal with, do something physical. When it's on the brain, change the thought. Sometimes it worked better than others -- I washed the floor on my hands and knees more times than I can count.
Come here and say all the things you need to say. Find Alanon or Naranon and connect to someone in your area who can be your buddy. And, if you are a person who prays, take comfort in the faith that brings. If you are not a person who prays, find something that gives you comfort and use that to center yourself. In the end, your son's addiction isn't about anybody but your son. The more you take on of it, the less he has to, and unless he owns his addiction, he won't ever get clean.
First let me say you will find it true to be that unless your loved one wants to quit drugs or alchol nothing you or anyone can do will help them. They have to want to change and they usually need to hit rock bottom before they see this need. Once they realize they want to change they can. My son finally hit rock bottom but he had to loose everything and everybody befor he saw his need. He was homeless, had no car or job, and was starving before he saw this need to change and ask for help. I had went in debt for over $100,000 putting him through rehab 3 times and helping him with living expenses and cars. When I finally woke up and quit my destructive enabling behavior and turned him over to God and let God then my son had hope. I kept telling him he had a spiritual sickness and he needed to go back to God. He is now in a program and is clean while learning a new way to live. If your loved one ever reaches that point and wants to change look up a program in your area called "Teen Challenge" and give them a call. It is not just for teens but for anyone that is an addict. They change lives for God. God Bless.
Dear Nannyjanny, Thank you for your response. God Bless you and your son. I am glad I found this site. Linda p.s. not sure how to private message? I am not great with computers.
Linda, to private message ...left click posted by..name in blue, it will take you to thier profile and right click private message there.
Like everyone else has said, you can not change anyone who doesnt want to, but you can change how you deal with him. Do not bail him out, think of it as a reprieve, you know he is not "doing" and you know where he is!
I can't really add much more than what these other people have. My son has been an addict since he was a teenager also. He's now 30 yrs. old and doing better than he ever has. He went to prison for 1 1/2 yrs., that didn't help him to stay clean. I sat by his hospital bed when he overdosed and he told me how "God walked with him and told him what he needed to do", and 3 months later he was back on the stuff. Nothing worked. I never bailed him out of jail or gave him money. The rest of the family wouldn't have anything to do with him. Nothing seemed to help him. Then a year ago he went to stay with a lady he had known for years, because he didn't have anyplace to go. She has helped him in ways nothing else has. She introduced him to a different class of people. He now has an office job, custody of his 1 1/2 yr. old son and it was Shannon that got him to do what he needed to do all along. He's not great, he's still an addict and falls off the wagon every once in a while, but he gets it back together before he loses it all. He doesn't live in a motel or tent like he usually has. The bad part of this is, he and Shannon both drink to excess. Is this any better than drugs? I don't know, probably not, but I feel it is some. All I can say is, be there when he needs you to listen or he overdoses or whatever, but don't live your life around him. And Pray. That's about all we can do. And let them know we love them, no matter what. God Bless You.
I feel your sadness and anger. My daughter was a herion addict as well, we had to ship her half across country, I have not seen her since Jan and hear from her when she needs money. She is living with family and they say she is wonderful. She still does not have a job, something I dont understand. She is 23 years old.I sent money etc, and she still has no motivation. She wants to come home, but not to see me, just have me pay her ticket, this is what I believe. I feel she would fall right back into the addict path. I dont think the feelings they have towards addiction ever goes away. I am still grieving the pain at times, of what was taken away from all of us, a normal healthy human adult ..
I can only add that my prayers are with you. I have had to let go of the anger I felt towards those who aided my son in his addiction. I even went so far as to make an appointment with his dealer and called the police to tell them where this creep was....but they couldn't do anything and told me to back off before I got hurt. They were right. My son is in charge of his addiction and his recovery. I, too, paid for numerous rehabs and moves to different cities and new clothes when all of his expensive designer clothes were 'stolen'. It took me six years to become so exhausted that I finally sought help from a spiritual healer. I know it's not for everyone, but it worked for me.
It's very difficult, and a very long journey, to get to the place where you can seek healing for yourself and not just for your addict. I wish you strength, love, and hope that you will take that first step of YOUR healing journey today. I can tell you that it is possible. But probably the most difficult thing I have ever done. I needed so much help in ridding myself of the guilt I felt for 'abandoning' my son, when the truth is that he abandoned his family, and me, a very long time ago. By using drugs, they abandon us. We can only let them find their own personal 'bottom' so they can begin their climb back up.
I'm continually amazed by our 'sameness' here. How alike we are in our journey but how different our addicts' recoveries are!! They each must find their own way. And so must we, if we want to have a life of our own. I try to focus daily on small joys....this morning it was sharing a photo of my granddaughter with my Mom....to hear Mom laugh, and share the joy of the love we have for our 'angel'....that's my moment today.
