SOUNDING OFF

Message 87 of 1130

I realize that it has only been a short time since loosing my son, Rashad, but I wonder has it been that short that people don't remember? I replay that day over and over in my head almost every night I lay down to go to sleep. I sometimes tell myself it's not true, they made a mistake...but they didn't, I saw him, he looked peaceful, like he was sleeping.

Still I think some persons (family members) forget the reason why we moved back home in the first place. What's worst is they try to tell you how you are to grieve that I need to talk to my husband, that I need to go to counseling...yet they are not there when I need to talk to someone, they make up excuses...I have to go to church...don't get me wrong, I love the Lord, he is my provider, but I truly believe that during a time such as these, he would understand if you missed a Wednesday night bible study...he knows your heart.

Do I sound bitter, I am...certain members of OUR family seemed to have forgotten why we are here. My son is dead, his shell of a body is lying in a grave, that's why I am here...never forget it. Yet you expect me to come visit you, you don't have time to come to your own niece and nephews small birthday party, yet you want me to get in my car and drive to your house and do what...listen to you complain about what, your problems, your issues...you are ALIVE, my son is not. Then you have the nerve to tell me that I need to in my calmer moments (as if they exist) say some words of comfort to my husband...how dare you when all I hear from you is a bunch of complaints. There is a minister in our family, he has yet to step foot in my house and pray with me, talk to me, ask me if there is anything I need...no but he expects us to attend his church...for some, not all members of OUR family thinks it's business as usual.

I wonder do people not think before they speak, are they fishing for information, don't pretend to be concerned when all you're doing is fishing for information. Do they really care how I feel, are they concerned that several times during the day, I just break down and cry, do they even care that there is a pain in my heart so terrible that nothing can make it better...I have gotten more support from my online support group than I have from family members. I realize they are grieving to, but you would never know it because if they could they would not talk about Rashad, they would just as soon talk about dirt than the fact that Rashad is dead, let's all say it together, "Rashad is Dead" How are you doing Danette, do you need to talk, is there anything I can do to help you...nothing, business as usual.

Am I wrong for feeling this way because if I am then I am wrong because I am mad and I am angry that I am being told to do certain things and act a certain way or that there is nothing you can do to bring him back, he's dead now, or worst, I don't go to the grave because he's not there, I mean come on how insensitive can you be. This was my son, I carried him in my body for nine months, I took care of him when he was sick or too little to take care of himself and now....he's gone.

Does anybody care that I have lost my SON...

I'm sorry, something happened over the weekend that has made me mad and I had to sound off.

Thanks for reading..

posted by crochetmom

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Danette...The feeling that family and friends have put our lost children aside and gone on with life, not speaking of them sharing stories about them has been discussed here many times. Its been 4 years and every time I bring up my angel son's name, Gary, "That" look crosses my families faces and someone will quickly change the subject, I think they rehearse "stearing mom from painful thoughts" I have told them time and time again that we need as a family to be able to remember him with joy...but they have decided it is just too much for me to bear. Each of us grieve in our own way, at our own pace and NO ONE has the right to tell you haw to handle your pain!

I have left behind a few friends for some of these feelings. My son commited suicide so there have been many casual acqainances who just want the gory details I just tell them I donnt want to talk about it and donnt ever ask again.

I am sure your family is grieving Rashad's passing and are only trying to protect you!! Maybe its just too soon and painful for them to talk with joy about him yet.

You come here any time and feel free to sound offffffffffff, or just tell us about your beautiful son. hugs,Barbara

posted by Leprikin
5 months ago

I,ve found over the years that there are a whole lot of people out there that just do not know how to handle grief. They either don,t know what to say or they say nothing at all. I also know the people who told you, " Just call if you need anything", are just mouthing a platitude. After about the first week after my husbands death no one came around anymore. No phone calls, no visits and if you bring it up, your told at least he,s no longer in pain or he,s with the Lord. I,m sorry and I love and believe in God, but I wanted him with me for alot more years. People just don,t know how to cope with your grief. Its like your given a time table, and after that amount of time, you should be over it. Huh??
You come here and talk, gripe or vent any time you feel like it.

posted by Joygirl68
4 months ago

Most people just don't know what to say. We here in this group care very much about your son and the way you feel. You can come here any time you want and tell us about your son and the things that made him so special. You had him all that time and his life matters. Also, we respect your feelings and hope you will do whatever is right for you. Whenever you want to share how you feel we are here listening and caring and praying. If we can do anything, please ask.

My best friend lost her son to suicide. Our kids all grew up together. I was just devastated and still am. All I could think of to say was "I love you. I'm here now. What can I do for you? I will be here when everybody goes away." And I was there for her and I am here for you. Hugs, JoAnne

posted by akalinus
4 months ago

God knows your pain....He watched His son die, and them watched as people went on with their lives with no regard to Jesus's sacrifice for them. How that must hurt Him!
Friends & family don't understand such a tragic loss unless they have had such a loss themselves. They don't know what to say.......so they ought to just shut-up and just be there for you. I know, as I am sure that you do, too, that Rashad, is with the Lord, happier than he has ever been and You will see him again.

posted by ameba
4 months ago

It's been four years for me also. Andy yes even today people change the subjuect when I bring up my son Clay's name. He was also 18. I have one younger sisster who I have never heard her even mention his name since he's died. Her young kids probbly dont even know about their cousin. My other sister reads and I have given her fictional books about when a child dies. (The knitting Circle) so she know excatly how I feel. But yes I no longer have a few old friends. My friends are now bereaved parents. By the way Im still mad at God also. I dont think the pain will ever go away. So I wear the mask today and probably forever. Take care

posted by grinny2
4 months ago

Danette your feelings are justifiable, no one knows the pain, heartache or anger that you are feeling but you. And the odd part is they don't want to know either, that way they don't have to deal with their feelings. It's been 4 years since my angel girl Leanna left this world. People question me as to why I am not still grieving her. I am, just not the way they think I should. Everyone grieves differently and no two people grieve alike. I am saddened that she is gone, leaving 2 small boys at the time. But her memory among our family is one that is happy...happy she was saved & in Heaven now, she is not confined to a wheelchair, she isn't in the extreme pain she was always in, and she can walk again...but most of all that we will see her again someday. We are never promised our children forever, but for a season. God chose us to be their parents...to mold, teach, nourish and led them to Him. He may take them from us, but we still have our memories. Those will never be taken away. Whenever anyone shuts down when something is said about my Leanna, I ask that person if they feel funny talking about her. I tell them that she is still with us in our hearts and memories and she will always be there and that usually puts them at ease. If someone doesn't want that, oh well, that is something they have to deal with on their own terms. Leanna will always be a living tribute in our family & people can either take it or leave it. Some may think this to be hard-nosed but our love for her will continue forever and I don't want anyone to spoil my thoughts of my daughter.

posted by pigs
4 months ago

Danette, I know exactly what you are feeling as we all do here. My family gets together and if I mention Drew their eyes dart around the room , the hush falls over the room and someone changes the subject. It hurts me and makes me mad at the same time. Drew is still a part of this family, I wish they would learn to live with it, just as I have had to learn to live without his physical presence. Some people man well and some are ignorant. I have had to deal with a few of the ignorant ones. Here's one for ya, a neighbor accused Drew and a couple of other kids of messing around with her real estate signs, she made a big dal, calling the neeighbors and givling names of who she thought did it, then she took it upon herself to question the kids. I told hr she had no right to question these kids and to stop harrassing mine. Then after Drew died she kept sending me adds for her business and wanting to list my house, which I never made ay indication I was going to sell. I finally sent her add back and told her not to send anymore to my house, and told her concidering her last encourters with my son were not pleasent, her mailing got on my nerves. Sometimes you have to take the bull by the horn. I have found keeping things in can be vry difficult. Other people would want to know exactly what injury took my childs life, it wasn't enough to know he was in an accident. I really don't talk about that, and people can be so nosey.I want to remember him the way he was. Our memories are all we have, and I for one like to talk about him, his pictures are out and if people don't like it, tough. I have cut back on some family gatherings because some people make me mad. I have been told by who don't have a clue what they are talking about, that I should be handling this better by now and Drew would not want me to be unhappy and all the usual crap. Every body has a opinion and advise, sometimes I grit my teeth and keep quiet and other times somebody gets it.Just follow you heart and allow yourself to grieve how you see best for you.
Deb

posted by Drewsmom
4 months ago

Danette, You have come to the right place. I think we have all experienced what you are going through. Feel free to vent anytime you want to in this group. I doubt if you are feeling anything that anyone of us hasn't already felt or said.
No one knows the heartbreak of losing a child except those who have lost a child themselves. We know and we are here for you.
Midge

posted by lostinatlanta
4 months ago

Danette, yes sound off! We know and we listen and we know exactly what's happening! We are here for you!
Damian's Mom Leila

posted by Daffodil56
4 months ago

I would like to Thank all of you for the words, the compassion and most of all the understanding, true understanding of all the emotions that I am going though right now. It is very difficult to say the very least to lose a child, no matter how old. I loved my son, he loved me and I miss him very much. He was a very kind, caring, giving person and it pains me that certain people try to tell me how I am suppose to act, get on with your life, life goes on and so must you for the sake of your other children (this I know, this I don't need nor want to hear, it's obvious I'm going on for the sake of my other children, duh, you're talking to me). Anyway, I Thank you, my family for supporting me and allowing me the space and time to just sound off so to speak. I am very Thankful to God for showing me this place, and for opening my eyes to this group, it has indeed been a Godsent for me.

Be Blessed my friends and lots of ((((HUGS and LOVE)))) to all of you.

Danette

posted by crochetmom
4 months ago

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