I know this doesn't sound like it would fit at Christian Fundamentals but I trust the advice of those who post here...& this goes to my heart.
Yesterday Daughter abruptly deleted me from her 'friends' at Facebook. I was crushed. I had invited her to join there with me because it was a fun place to contact family and old friends. She needed her 'friends' because her divorce had left her lonely and feeling isolated.
Since I'm not a talker (I get too emotional) I emailed her to ask why. She explained that it was 'peer pressure'...which it turned out not to be. Understandably she later confessed that she couldn't "be herself" if I had access to her conversations. Now, this isn't a teen or even a 20-something; she's mid-30s. You will probably advise me to give her this space which, even though it has hurt me deeply & I've deactivated my own Facebook page, I am.
What I've realized AGAIN is how, as Christians, we are not really ourselves with people...even those we are most close to. We perform, we conform, we adopt what we believe to be acceptable behavior within the group that we are currently associating with. I hate that; it brings too much pressure on ourselves. It reminds me of the phrase: "Who are you when no one is looking?" If we're genuine then there's no need to be what we're not.
At some point should I bring this up? We see each other every day as I keep her children. We have a B-day party here this Sat. but the air is thick with emotions. Or should I just drop the whole thing, move on, pretend that I'm over it and suck it up...all the while a new root of bitterness is wanting to take hold. I want to be genuine too and not pretend to think/feel something that I do not. I would, in effect, be doing the very thing that I'm wanting her not to do. Ok...let me have it.
I don't think you need to be Facebook friends with someone you see every day anyway. I purposefully don't "friend" my co-workers and some other immediate family members for that reason. I use Facebook to keep in touch with people I would normally NOT have time to touch base with every day.
I'm going to suggest you go with your option of "just drop the whole thing, move on, pretend that I'm over it and suck it up". Really. My daughter (who is in her 20s) has off and on removed me, then added me back, then removed me, according to her mood at the time. Just let it go, be cool about it, and at some time she might add you back. I never said a word to my daughter during the times she removed me, because I still talked with her daily via phone or text, I knew she was okay, etc. I didn't need to know all her personal conversations with her other friends.
I am confused at the fact that you deactivated your own Facebook page, as well! Why was that? Do you not have other friends besides your daughter? Is contact with her so priority that if she won't talk to you, then you want to cut yourself off from EVERYONE? That seems very extreme and dependent. That concerns me (as a stranger looking in). Spend time with your other friend on FB; explore new ones - find old classmates, etc. Don't let your daughter's actions control your other relationships. How did your deactivation look to your other friends?
It did sound pretty "dependent" didn't it. While I see her nearly every day we rarely take time for normal conversation; it's usually just dropping off/picking up the children. She works really hard for my approval (or so she says) but I don't recall making her feel disapproved unless it's the divorce issue.
I am pretty much cut off because of obligations and responsibilities here at home now. I miss my friends, my tennis, my Bible Studies. The deactivation issue was purely one of protecting my hurt feelings...I would only be reminded that I was "off limits" there.
Thanks Tracy. It sounds like a pretty silly thing to bring up. Hearing others tell me to get a grip might help.
I have been begging my sons to get MySpace pages so we can share photos and hopefully open some more lines of communication.
I was just talking to Lon yesterday about how important it was for me to feel "approval" from others - whether on-line, at church, family, whatever - and that I had to guard my feelings when the approval wasn't as forthcoming as I thought it should be. I finished with him by noting that "I really only need God's approval" - how true. But we women are so involved in relationships, aren't we?
Here are some thoughts: It strikes me that your daughter might be afraid of your disapproval and perhaps ashamed about what she is talking about. She may be thinking and concerned about how you'd react to everything she is saying to the point she feels she can't be herself. Another possibility is she is using the tactic as control over you and her relationship with you. She may feel vulnerable and out-of-control in your relationship.
I wish I had solutions. Our relationships with our kids can be a real struggle. I have two sons. One seems to love me unconditionally and the other has thrown up barriers in our relationship for so many years that I have become frustrated with trying to figure out what I did to deserve it. He was an obstinate and difficult teenager, and he would say I was controlling and demanding. Now, at almost 30 years old, it seems he can't recall all the good times I spent with him, talking to him, playing with him, vacationing with him.
Maybe your daughter is like that? I don't know, obviously ... but you write a "new root of bitterness?" So maybe there are other unresolved issues in your relationship?
A more mature action on her part would have been to tell you that she wanted to delete you and why before she did it. I don't think there is anything wrong in telling her it hurt your feelings because you didn't know what she meant by it - that you took it as a rejection you didn't have coming. Maybe there is some other way you can communicate - such as "Twitter"
As far as not being ourselves with people - well, that is a struggle whether we are Christians or not! I think at the heart of each person is a fear that "if anyone really knew us they couldn't love us."
My philosophy is to try and be as true to myself as I can be while striving to mirror Christ in my life for others to see. In the meanwhile, I try not to fart in church. ~smile~
Oh, Marilyn, you are so right and so funny. I think we all have these same feelings. My first reaction, Mary Anne, is that all she was wanting was some privacy. Do you remember how you felt when YOUR mom was asking too many questions? Maybe your mom was not like that, but mine was. There is a place inside each of us that says "hands off". I like to think I am me, but to be honest, I know I don't want my loved ones to always "see" everything. Only God has that right.
Well, I guess I got some smart Moms here cause ya'll are pretty insightful.
Treasure...My relationship with my Mom was so impersonal. I was their only child but I was never told I was loved, or hugged, or kissed. And I thought that was pretty normal until I saw some family affection when I was 10. One of the reasons I married my husband was because his Southern family was so demonstrative and huggie. :~) Mom trained me and set a good example of work ethic and integrity. While she is my responsibility now, I don't feel *love* for her...that seems to be so common among mothers & daughters. I swore to myself when my daughter was born that she would know she was LOVED!
Yes, there's a lot of bitterness over her decisions with her marriages & she has mega-guilt about them and their results.
M...I think if she had dealt with the silly situation as you suggested things would have been a lot different.
Finally, a dear Christian friend who is now gone once said that "Friends are those who know all about you and love you anyway." I believe that is true. She also said that "Christian friends usually have compatible Old Sin Natures"....that's why they get along so well. :~)
WOW!! This is so great! I enjoyed all the responses. I only use Facebook to talk to family & friends far away & I don't put anything personal on there.
Very good discussion going on here ... don't be too surprised but this is all very normal! Paul tells us to be "all things to all people." So there are times, as Christians, that we need to "tone it down" and times that we can truly "be ourselves." Each relationship is individually fashioned, as is every child. So, continue to walk in forgiveness and love at all times.
I'm on Facebook, but I don't know how to use it. I am on my son and daughter's friends list...they just act like I'm not there. LOL They are 37, and 33. I'm not saying they would tell me everything they do, but they don't hide everything either. I thank God I don't see anything bad. I guess if they didn't want me to see they could delete me too, and if they did, oh well I see them everyday anyway.
It just hurt your feelings, you know she really loves you.
trailblazing...I'm all into forgiveness. Been down that road a whole lot of times these last 12 yrs. And yes, it is very normal; but is it so normal in healthy Christian relationships? These are not children anymore.
I believe she viewed it as a control issue because she has felt controlled by the authority figures in her life...2 husbands. I think that my lifestyle and values are the real issue. While she is most definitely a Christian, she is still wanting to have the attention she can receive by being her witty and often, irreverence self while maintaining a Godly appearance before her parents.
Oh well, the problem really isn't my precious daughter's. It's mine. God calls us to deal with our own areas; not others. I want to respond to this hurtful situation without resentment or bitterness. Not doing too well; but I'm still alive so He thinks there's still hope.
The social media means different things to different people. Isn't it strange that my Church friends seem so isolated from me? Everyone is soooooooo busy. And I'm soooo occupied at home. That probably has a lot to do with it.
Yes, jeanie...I'm sure she loves me in that current cultural way. But I don't want to be loved because I'm needed. Ya know what I mean?? :~)
