groups

Elaine, I found your stories in the files, and I'm anxious to read them. I will as soon as possible!

Caredoe

You may be disappointed, especially by the novel. Perhaps the dog stories have a chance to find an audience.

You’ve asked for input on your writing so here goes! I’ve read the first chapter in your book, Therapy. I think you have an interesting idea for a story. I suggest you start with a prelude to set it up. Let’s see if we can make it pop! In a novel we need to grab the reader’s interest right off the bat so they’ll want to keep reading. Your first line should be a hook, something to make the reader want to find out more.

An example for your story: Rebecca rolled over in her elegant, king size bed- she hugged her pillow tight and sighed deeply. She really didn’t care if she ever got up, or even if she lived or died for that matter.

Then we need to set the scene- start to paint a picture with your words so reader’s can visualize something of the surroundings. Not a complete inventory, just a basic idea. Example: Neither the tantalizing smell of the cool, morning breeze that came in through the open window, nor the bird’s cheerful melodies, could stir her as they once had.

Now help the reader picture Rebecca in their mind’s eye. She reluctantly forced open her dark brown eyes and pushed the disheveled, auburn locks away from her face.

Filmy, pink curtains floated into the room on the gentle wind making them swirl in appealing lines. Rebecca didn’t notice, nor did she discern the rich, feminine décor that surrounded her. Unbeknownst to her, she was locked in the grasp of chronic depression. And the longer it went on, the deeper it became.

Put together it reads like this:

Rebecca rolled over in her elegant, king size bed- she hugged her pillow tight and sighed deeply. She really didn’t care if she ever got up, or even if she lived or died for that matter. Neither the tantalizing smell of the cool, morning breezes that came in through the open window, nor even the bird’s cheerful melodies, could stir her as they once had. She reluctantly forced open her dark brown eyes and pushed the disheveled, auburn locks away from her face.

Filmy, pink curtains floated into the room on the gentle wind making them swirl in appealing lines. Rebecca didn’t notice, nor did she discern the rich, feminine décor that surrounded her. Unbeknownst to her, she was locked in the grasp of chronic depression. And the longer it went on, the deeper it became.

You get the general idea. Remember, your goal in setting up the main character is to make the reader care about her and her purpose. Now I’d like to see what you come up with for a prelude to your story. If you want to try it, post it in a reply here.

Wonderful suggestions. If you read on, however, you will see that filmy pink curtains aren't Rebecca, but you're right. She needs a context, and since her depression manifests itself in her bedroom, I have to describe that. What do you think about my description of what it feels like to be depressed? Should I start with that? And with Rebecca in her bedroom, lying depressed? Oh, Rebecca is a redhead with green eyes.

Thankfully and with a big hug,
Elaine

Elaine,

You describe how Rebecca feels and what she's going through very well. If you write a prelude to grab peoples attention and set up the story, in my opinion, you'll have an interesting beginning. Perhaps it would be good to let the reader know what Rebecca was like before the depression set in. The contrast would promote sympathy and caring for your main character. Just a thought. :)

I’d still like to see what you can come up with for a prelude to your story.

Smiles, Carol

I'm thinking of the prelude. I like the idea of sketching her before her depression set in. Sheh as to have been a hard-driving, upbeat person as she has accomplished so much, and there had to be some spark in her to attract Alex to her.

HUgz
Elaine

Helen: I just read your first chapter and I have to tell you I really enjoyed it. I like your style of writing, how you phrase things and the words you use. It was a delight to read. I found it intiguing from the first word to the last. Wonderful work.

I did notice a few things, although I wasn't really looking for them which are:

Maybe they’re afraid that without a beard, people would think they’re little boys, or maybe it justs (I don't know what you mean here) up their feelings of masculinity a few notches.

I also noticed that you used the word ‘anyways’ which is nonstandard and in my opinion not correct. Then there is the following conversation:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Trouble sleeping?”

“No, I sleep all the time.” Now the tears were running down my face. As he continued asking, each question brought a fresh spate. Not loud tears, silent streaming ones.

Then you repeated this sentence again, which I believe you may have forgotten to delete. It doesn't seem necessary to say it again.

“No. I sleep all the time.”

He just continued reading questions off of the form which he held with his left hand, penciling in yeses and noes with his right, peering over the top of the clipboard with a look of concern, scanning my face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think your chapters are a little too long. I don't know how others feel, but I've always prefered shorter chapters. If you decide to make them shorter you could start a new chapter at this point.

The next morning, to my husband’s surprise, I crawled out of bed at six o’clock,

Then one last thing, I think you could change some of your descriptions to thoughts such as:

As I walked, barely noticing the Jack-in-the-Pulpits in bloom at the edges - (should be edge) of the woods, and the pretty little yellow cinquefoils interspersed amongst the ground foliage, I started to think hard about the past, dredging it up, I so want to be an interesting person to keep him, the doctor, interested. I agonized over what to say. I wish I knew someone who could tell me what actually transpired in psychiatric hours. I want to do it right, be the proper patient. No, I want to be a brilliant, compelling patient, tell the right kind of stories, ask the right kinds of questions. Give him clues about my ego and my id so he can have the pleasure of unraveling my life for me, if there is anything to unravel, that is. I have to become a great mystery, sprinkling bits of evidence which he can gather to make me whole.

In my opinion changing descriptions to thoughts gives her personality and makes the story more interesting to the reader. These are only my suggestions of course.

Dear Mizkat,

Thank you so much for the helpful comments. Marvelous! I actually shelled out something like $3000 to have this professionally edited and the editor didn't do as good a job as you and even pronounced the mss. as ready to go, which I knew it wasn't.

About "anyways" -- that is a dialectal matter. In Eastern New England, and possibly even Western, people say "anyways" not "anyway." If I heard you talk (I'm a linguist), I know I'd find you using expressions that I wouldn't. In fact, in my book Language the Social Mirror, 4th ed., the chapter on dialects in America today lists a great many usages that people who think they don't speak a dialect regularly say, and these are expressions that speakers from other places find "wrong." It's not a matter of correctness. Whatever educated people in a region regularly say is likely to be correct for their dialect. Things like double negatives or using "ain't" aren't "correct" (that is, educated) all over the English speaking world, but other expressions vary widely. My husband is a native New Yorker who says "chopped meat" for 'hamburger" and "let's go inside" when he's inside but wants to move to another room.

Caredoe and Mizkat,
I am definitely going to work more on the novel, and follow your suggestions as well as I can, but I won't be able to for a while. We are leaving for England for a fortnight and when we come home, after jetlag and all the laundry, we will have our summer visitors, as usual, and I'll be busy feeding people homemade clamcakes and chowder and steamers. (Clamcakes are a kind of fritter. Steamers are Quohaugs,large soft-shelled clams, which are steamed in beer or in a spicy broth.) Typically, I make homemade ice cream for dessert. I can count on 6 dinners per summer and early Fall. Then we go up through New Hampshire and Vermont to the Canadian border for the Fall colors. We have it here as well, but later, and usually not quite as vivid because we don't get always the sudden cold snap they get up North. Also Interstate 93 and 91 are totaly unspoiled. No strip malls, roadside rests or signs of human habitation all the way, just rolling hills and low mountains unfolding before you and to either side. So, expect the changes in late Fall when I become invigorated again.

Thank you both dearly.
Elaine

Thanks for explaining about the 'anyways'. I've heard it before, but to my ears it sounds funny. I have a friend in CA who writes it all of the time. She also says 'peoples' which I find odd. So it is a case of dialect, I suppose. Like here in MN we call soft drinks pop. Other places call it soda. Still others say soda pop.

I really like your book and hope to read more than the first chapter when I have time.

It looks like some professional editors aren't cracked up to be as good as they should be. I'm sorry you lost all of that money.