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Hey girl remember what they always say here. It is allowed to say anything we are feeling no matter what here, as we are all in the same boat just differant lengths of time. I am a little over 9 months into this trip and still on the roller coaster. The simplest things sometimes sets me off. Just remember we are all here for each other. It also seems that we at least dont all have a R E A L L Y bad day on the same day. That helps some. God Bless and big hugs.

I'm really sorry to hear that you are on the downward plunge of the roller coaster lately. I just can't imagine what you have been through losing all those loved ones at once. I wish I could help. If you AZ folks get together, count me in - I agree, not as a widow thing, just friends. I hope you start feeling better soon. Hugs, Deb

Maybe a trip to scatter the ashes will help. Maybe just a change of scenery and being someone other then the "widow" in a small town will also help. I am in a small town also and neighbors are like hawks watching my every move. This pain just doesn't seem to end. I wish that I had a tail to chase because it would give me something to do. Your venting is appreciated here because at least I know that I am not losing my mind.

We are all on that roller coaster. One minute we are doing okay then the mext we are down. I have had times when I thought I will be okay. Then something would come up and I am down again. Tomorrow will be 10 months for me in this journey. The 13th will be a year that we got his death sentence. Since Steve's passing I have thought about nothing except my husbands last days. It brought everything back that I have tried to put in the back of my mind. As time goes by our sadness will lessen, so they tell me. I don't know, I have not gotten there yet.

Mike, you want to be normal again. We will never know the normal we had with our loved ones. We will now have a new normal. It will be different from what we knew. It sucks. Nothing now is the same.

Hugs....Sue

Here I am aback on Eons--now everyone, it is time for us to get our act together and take care of ourselves. Didn't that sound good? Well, whom am I kidding--grief is terrible--life at time stinks--one wants to hide in a cocoon. But tonight I decided to get in my car and drive. I drove over to Phoenix--but the sad part is I didn't know where I was going. I depend on my GPS and the address was too new so I didn't get it on my GPS. I sat and wanted to cry, but thought of some other measure. I went over met someone ate and walked around. Got out of my surroundings. Now I feel better. But it is the dreaded bed that is coming. I will try to put my head to rest with positives--like all the wonderful friends I met on Eons. Sorry about the word widow--but I hate the word single, I am not married, I am not divorced so who am I--I guess answer Vicki.

I get some relief each evening when I walk the dogs down our country road. It's a good opportunity for me to talk to David. The other day. I was feeling incredibly lonely and I asked him to let me know he's still with me. Yesterday morning, in the gravel part of the back yard, there was a big, beautiful black stone with incredible markings. I check that part of the yard several times a day (to pick up dog poopies) and that stone had not been there...too big to have dropped by a bird. It was something 'new.' A wink?
The winks are seldom now, but so cherished! They seem to arrive when I most need them. Thank you, David.
hugs...marty

It is very rare that I use the "W" word for myself. It took me almost a year just to be able to say it but I still do not like it. I guess I use "alone now" or "Lost Dave" and hope people understand what I really mean to say.

So many have helped me get through this time of my life but I have to do my part too. I am a Christian and I do believe that is what has done the most to help me through the rough times. They are not as frequent as they were that first year. June 14 would have been "our" anniversary. I am glad it is a Sunday.

I'm at 6 months and I thought if I reached my summer vacation I'd get so much done. Go through the garage, organize the house, get trees cut, machines fixed, walls painted because I have 4 weeks off before I have to start back with work plans and courses I need.
I'm getting up at 3am with a sick feeling in my stomach over bad decisions, I sit in his chair at 5am talking to him but end up missing him more. I "stall" out during the day barely getting general housework done, fast food, watching the news not caring what's on.
I guess what I'm saying is that we just can't "will" ourselves well. We're never going to feel the same and it wasn't our choice or decision. On the other hand, we're going to have those times when we feel accomplished at getting something right or just smile at good memories. Yes, it's a roller coaster and when I'm at the bottom I just try to survive it because tomorrow will be different.
There's a quote I used to like, "weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning." It's night time folks.

Like your quote!