Lizard Birthing
LIZARD BIRTHING
If you have raised kids (or been one), and
gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, the story below will have
you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up
to tell me there was "something wrong"
with one of the two lizards he holds
prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told
me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my
face and followed him into is bedroom.
One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, " come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a
minute. "She's hav ing babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign
in their cage?" she inquired.(I actually think she said this
sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,
while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed!
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to
see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we
going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?"
my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was
being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much
struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant
second late! rrrrr...
"We don't appear to be making much progress,"
I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and
grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a
pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,
E rnie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother
noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to
their own young. I mean what she does to me is
one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room
and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and
Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male.
And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
like most male species, they um.... um.... masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wif e.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just... just... excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle.
And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but
not believing that the woman I married would commit the
upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.
Laughing "It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its...
its...teeny little..." she gasped for more
air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet
and hurriedly bundled the
lizards and our son back into the car. He was
glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea,"
Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
1 - Lizards - $140...
2 - Cage - $50...
3 - Trip to the Vet - $30...
4 - Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie..... Priceless
Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs
If you have raised kids (or been one), and
gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, the story below will have
you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up
to tell me there was "something wrong"
with one of the two lizards he holds
prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told
me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my
face and followed him into is bedroom.
One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, " come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a
minute. "She's hav ing babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign
in their cage?" she inquired.(I actually think she said this
sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,
while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed!
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to
see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we
going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?"
my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was
being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much
struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant
second late! rrrrr...
"We don't appear to be making much progress,"
I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and
grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a
pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,
E rnie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother
noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to
their own young. I mean what she does to me is
one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room
and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and
Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male.
And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
like most male species, they um.... um.... masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wif e.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just... just... excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle.
And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but
not believing that the woman I married would commit the
upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.
Laughing "It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its...
its...teeny little..." she gasped for more
air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet
and hurriedly bundled the
lizards and our son back into the car. He was
glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea,"
Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
1 - Lizards - $140...
2 - Cage - $50...
3 - Trip to the Vet - $30...
4 - Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie..... Priceless
Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs
