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“Madonna's got one big choice. Take a couple of years off and become a human being.” -- Sandra Bernhard.

Greetings, darlings. OkokokOK, I am not a big Madonna fan. I’m not even a little or medium-sized Madonna fan (although I am tall, but that has nothing to do with this...). So whyohwhyohwhy am I devoting a Gossip Au Go Go bloggy thing to the soon-to-be-former-Mrs.-Ritchie?

Because I said I’d do it for those of you who care and because I have been perusing the international this and that and my gossipy contacts and , I’m telling you sweeties, this convoluted mess that is the Madonna and Guy divorce plus Madonna’s super hard-bodied “Sticky and Sweet” tour shenanigans have a better plot and more twists and turns than any ol’ freaky reality show.

Come to think of it, this IS sort of a freaky reality show. What shall we call it? What about “Oh, Momma! The Madonna Drama!”

Anyhoo, that’s why I started off with a quote by Sandra Bernhard. Dontcha remember when Sandra and Madonna were bosom buds? No? Then take a gander at this: view link

Let’s start off this special Madonnasized Gossip Au Go Go with was the startling revelation that Madonna believes she actually is a half space alien, has super powers, and is filming a new semi-autobiographical flick in which she portrays a Barbarella-type cougar who adopts little ETs from various planets and teaches them how to be kick-ass Earthlings.

OkokokOK, so I made all that up. But my point is – yes, I DO have a point – you can’t necessarily believe all the dish or whatever being slung about concerning Madonna and Guy because I doubt they have the time , money or energy left to legally go after any half-truths or non-truths told about them. view link

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm........ maybe I SHOULD claim to have the world exclusive on the ET angle.. Think I could get a book deal, darlings?

But I digress.

The Material Girl celebrated Barack Obama's victory on Tuesday night by telling fans at her concert in San Diego "This is a historical evening! ... We are lucky to be sharing it with each other!" and “It's the best day of my life!” One can only assume she is saying Obama winning the presidential race makes her happier than giving birth, adopting David, or marrying Guy. OR she might, perchance, have meant she was having the best day because she’s on tour and the lawyers far , far away are wrapping up the divorce from Guy who, dontcha think, is SUCH a guy guy. So masculine and all....

Getting back to Madonna’s tour, it has the hot girl-on-girl choreographed sexy rauchy parts which has become rather cliched in Madge’s repertoire, if you ask me. Although nobody did!

Speaking of Guy, my London spies say he went from looking downtrodden and pathetic to smiling a lot and partying hearty with his buds recently. Madonna supposedly never liked his friends and he’s enjoying being freeeeeeee. That and growing his, well, gonads and -- hopefully -- his career back.

Also, Madonna, or Madge as she’s known in the UK, supposedly had Guy sign a Kabbalah contract thingy saying he couldn’t yell at her, had to schedule sex with her, and had to encourage her “ spiritual growth”.

Anyway, darlings, a little bee buzzed in my ear that the two aren’t even speaking now, except through their lawyers, EXCEPT -- get this --- Madonna is supposedly texting Guy snitty messages, including one that says “ you’re going down”.

I don’t think that has a sexual subtext, but one never knows with Madonna, I suppose. Le sigh...

This just in: negotiations with officials in Malawi for two years to allow Madonna to adopt three-year-old Mercy James have broken off because Penston Kilembe, Malawi's director of Child Welfare Services, says they will not approve of children being placed with single or recently divorced parents. Madonna - who adopted another Malawian toddle, David Banda, now three, in 2005 – came across little Mercy when she met her at an orphanage in 2006.

More Kabbalah blah blah: Before announcing their impending divorce in October, Guy and Madonna had been given the go ahead by local authorities to build an indoor pool at their estate in Wiltshire, Southern England, and – get this – Madonna insisted the pool be filled with specialky blessed Kabbalah water, in keeping with the mystical branch of Judaism which she follows ( while still not converting and , yes, I’m confused... oy vey!)

Britain’s Daily Mirror reports “There would also have been water fountains dotted around, again filled with Kabbalah water”. Say what???

Say, according to kabbalahwater.com, the holier-than-thou’s-regular-tap-water is “channeled through certain Kabbalistic blessings and meditations” and "infused with sharing consciousness.. Kabbalah Water manifests water's primordial capacity to heal and protect".

Uh-huh.

But since the split, Guy -- who is keeping the country manor --- is planning to have the pool filled with plain old from-the-tap H2O, which is far less expensive than booga boooga, I mean, “spiritually atuned” water.

Madonna is reportedly hell-on-wheels on stage and “in full meltdown mode” and hardly functioning without her Kabbalah counselor off-stage. And the Alex “A-Rod” Rodriguez rumors... Who the heck knows? I do believe a spy who tells me they flew together out to Jerry Seinfeld’s country house for some quality hours alone. And Seinfeld’s folks say “ no comment”. They DON’T say, “ nope, silly rumor”. I hear Madge is still planning a trip to Malawi when the divorce is done and her tour is over and she expects Rodriguez to come on the trip with her.

As Guy works on his new Sherlock Holmes movie in the UK, rumor has it ( but I wouldn’t want to spread a rumor, right? BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... sorry, I crack myself up, sometimes) Ritchie is planning a tell-all movie about his drama plagued marriage to the egotistical Madonna. He supposedly isn’t thinking of doing this as a comedy but as a dark, film noir “Sunset Boulevard” sort of flick.. sounds DIVINE and enough to give Madge a stroke, or another reason to talk to her lawyer about a lawsuit.

Say, darlings, I just had a great idea for the title of Guy’s Madonna drama movie! Aside to Guy: Have your people call my people, sweetie, and we’ll talk screenplays! I’m thinking of a treatment with the working title “ Slippery and Bitter” .. you know, sort of a take-off thang on her “ Sticky and Sweet" tour.

Well, that’s it for this special addition of Madonna Au Go Go Gossip. And let’s end with another Sandra Bernhard quote, shall we? “I look at my friendship with Madonna as like having a gall stone. You deal with it, there is pain, and then you pass it.”

Now what do YOU think about Madge and Guy and A-Rod and all the rest? Jump right in and let’s dish at Gossip Au Go Go ( and DO come on and join if you haven’t already!) view link

In the meantime, go out there and have absolutely EONS of fun, to the point people gasp and declare: "I haven’t seen anyone so BOOMingly. outrageously over the borderline since Madonna came out on stage with that cone bra thing! WOOOOOOOOOwoooooooo!"