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Daily Humor
Lets help make this world a happier place by passing around some laughter.
Share cartoons, jokes, comic's, laughter, any type of humor that our kids could enjoy. Some clean adult is fine, but not anything your grandkids couldn't see.
Funny pictures, sarcastic humor, all a good thing - have a good time
Latest group announcement
Welcome to A New Month
So happy to see the group growing and so many funny things being shared.
Thank you for all your great posts, I know I for one need my daily dose of humor, and I love to share with my email friends what is shared here.
If you have a long joke, please split it part on the first page, then reply to your own post and post the rest.
If you have any questions, please ask us, and tell your friends to come on over, they might need a laugh also.
Debbie - Debirae (Manager)
Connie - Fotofunone (Moderator)
Tim - Tim555 (Moderator)
about 1 month ago
Recent Messages
Wall Of Clocks
Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Rumsfeld, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said Rumsfeld. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Penny Pincher
An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.
"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within."
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000." The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000."
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount�"
Privacy issue
First, it was our addresses and phone numbers that anyone could get; now our drivers licenses?
This is upsetting so I thought I would pass it along.
Check your driver's license.....now you can see anyone's drivers license on the Internet, including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was......picture and all.
Privacy, where is our right to it? I definitely removed mine and I suggest you do the same. Go to the website below and check it out. All you have to do to get your license off by entering your name, city and state to see if yours is on file. If your license comes up on the screen, all you have to do is click the box marked "Please Remove".
This will remove it from public viewing but not from law enforcement.
The website is: www.license.shorturl.com
Good luck.
This is upsetting so I thought I would pass it along.
Check your driver's license.....now you can see anyone's drivers license on the Internet, including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was......picture and all.
Privacy, where is our right to it? I definitely removed mine and I suggest you do the same. Go to the website below and check it out. All you have to do to get your license off by entering your name, city and state to see if yours is on file. If your license comes up on the screen, all you have to do is click the box marked "Please Remove".
This will remove it from public viewing but not from law enforcement.
The website is: www.license.shorturl.com
Good luck.
Where to live after Retirement
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl..
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6 The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long
it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought
You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is 'nature,'
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Minnesota where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. 'y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural.
3. 'He needed killin'' is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: 'Where's my coat at?'
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, 'It was different!'
AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5 Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl..
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6 The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long
it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought
You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is 'nature,'
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Minnesota where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. 'y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural.
3. 'He needed killin'' is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: 'Where's my coat at?'
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, 'It was different!'
AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5 Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
IHateHimSoMuch.com
Sometimes wives get angry. Sometimes they have good reason. That's why there's this great little voodoo doll at www.IHateHimSoMuch.com. He can be funny. Check it out. The relax.
Lizard Birthing Story
Lizard Birthing Story
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will
have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can
you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at; "The lizard!" "Oh my gosh," my wife
diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, ( in my
most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). Yeah,
Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're
about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think
she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay. " Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie
is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.
Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny
little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedlybundled the lizards and our son
back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker -..... Priceless
They lay eggs!!!
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will
have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can
you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at; "The lizard!" "Oh my gosh," my wife
diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, ( in my
most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). Yeah,
Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're
about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think
she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay. " Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie
is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.
Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny
little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedlybundled the lizards and our son
back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker -..... Priceless
They lay eggs!!!
On Eons
Photos
-
12 days ago
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Gas Solution #3
2 months ago
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Gas solution 02
2 months ago
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Gas solution...
2 months ago
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Brazillion
2 months ago
-
Just for Sport!
2 months ago
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