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Caregivers for elderly parents
A site where people that are taking care of their elderly and aging parents. A place to share problems, vent frustrations, dealing with elderly anger, depression, mental and physical abuse of caretakers from your loved ones
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Relationship changes
Let's start a discussion because it is hard to be a caregiver without understanding what is happening some times.
How has your relationship changed with your parents since you became a caregiver? Do you think that it is because Mom or Dad changed or because you are just getting to know them now? Is it better or worse? How to you deal with the disagreements?
How has your relationship changed with your parents since you became a caregiver? Do you think that it is because Mom or Dad changed or because you are just getting to know them now? Is it better or worse? How to you deal with the disagreements?
What am I ? A pharmacist??
Okay, I am venting but have you noticed how much time and energy taking care of medications takes?? You gotta order it, pick it up, sort it out, somehow memorize the generics names from the prescribed stuff, keep a list, break them in half, crush them and sometime have fights with your insurance?
Anyone else feel my pain? Where do you get your prescriptions? Is it easy or difficult? Does your loved one still take pills easily?
Keep in Touch
This is from my other website blog but I thought it was worth sharing with everyone here too. I am getting one for my Aunt that lives far away. She is very excited about it.
Judy's Journal
As a children we grew up hand writing letters to family far away.
I remember I would be so excited to get an envelop addressed to me.
In today’s world of cell phones, text messaging, e-mails and IM’s their develops a larger communication gap with older friends and family.
I remember as a child, Mrs. Wilder - our next door neighbor, she had children and grandchildren living in various places. When ever she got photos or letters, she would share them with everyone. It was kind of exciting, now that I think back.
In today’s society I doubt too many of us write letters to our elderly relatives. In many cases I imagine their are a lot of seniors that are left out of the communication loop. They may not have computers or cell phones.
I was very interested when I read a blog, view link that referenced the Presto Service and HP Printing Mailbox. view link
It lets users receive e-mail and digital photo attachments without a computer. Tech-savvy family and friends can continue to use the convenience of their own e-mail accounts, while grandma, grandpa or Aunt Peggy can receive family updates and photos everyday.
I was really interested in it, so I researched it a bit more. Available at several electronics stores or electronics departments and on-line. It is reasonably priced. The HP mailbox/printer $150.00, there is even a coupon for a $50.00 savings, and a monthly fee of only $9.99 per month.
The mailbox measures 19″ x 15″, weighs 13lbs and would fit easily on an end table or desk. All someone would need is a plug and it shares the phone line. It will require regular copy paper and ink refills. Any family or friend with the “mail box” address can send mail. That’s right I can send my Aunt an e-mail with digital photos and with out a computer she gets it printed right away.
Wow! A great gift! Birthdays, Christmas, for no reason at all. It’s a great way to say we care and want to share our lives with you. Best thing of all the recipient can respond with what ever form of communication they are comfortable with.
Judy
Judy's Journal
As a children we grew up hand writing letters to family far away.
I remember I would be so excited to get an envelop addressed to me.
In today’s world of cell phones, text messaging, e-mails and IM’s their develops a larger communication gap with older friends and family.
I remember as a child, Mrs. Wilder - our next door neighbor, she had children and grandchildren living in various places. When ever she got photos or letters, she would share them with everyone. It was kind of exciting, now that I think back.
In today’s society I doubt too many of us write letters to our elderly relatives. In many cases I imagine their are a lot of seniors that are left out of the communication loop. They may not have computers or cell phones.
I was very interested when I read a blog, view link that referenced the Presto Service and HP Printing Mailbox. view link
It lets users receive e-mail and digital photo attachments without a computer. Tech-savvy family and friends can continue to use the convenience of their own e-mail accounts, while grandma, grandpa or Aunt Peggy can receive family updates and photos everyday.
I was really interested in it, so I researched it a bit more. Available at several electronics stores or electronics departments and on-line. It is reasonably priced. The HP mailbox/printer $150.00, there is even a coupon for a $50.00 savings, and a monthly fee of only $9.99 per month.
The mailbox measures 19″ x 15″, weighs 13lbs and would fit easily on an end table or desk. All someone would need is a plug and it shares the phone line. It will require regular copy paper and ink refills. Any family or friend with the “mail box” address can send mail. That’s right I can send my Aunt an e-mail with digital photos and with out a computer she gets it printed right away.
Wow! A great gift! Birthdays, Christmas, for no reason at all. It’s a great way to say we care and want to share our lives with you. Best thing of all the recipient can respond with what ever form of communication they are comfortable with.
Judy
Newbie
I'm so fortunate to have found this group!
I just had a very trying day with my mom. She has dementia and limited mobility. I am an only child and while my daughter gives me as much support as she can, I feel it is my responsibility to take care of mom.
Reading some of the posts has helped me to put things in perspective. I am a family therapist and I know how dementia effects people but when it comes to my own life, all my training goes out the window.
I hope you all won't mind me coming in once in a while to get some things off my chest. I look forward to connecting with you and offering any support I can.
Have a wonderful day!
sisternia
I just had a very trying day with my mom. She has dementia and limited mobility. I am an only child and while my daughter gives me as much support as she can, I feel it is my responsibility to take care of mom.
Reading some of the posts has helped me to put things in perspective. I am a family therapist and I know how dementia effects people but when it comes to my own life, all my training goes out the window.
I hope you all won't mind me coming in once in a while to get some things off my chest. I look forward to connecting with you and offering any support I can.
Have a wonderful day!
sisternia
My Mom Hates Me...
I receive a steady stream of emails from adult children who are trying to work with angry older parents. In most cases, these caregivers are trying to find the best solution to a difficult situation(little or no planning, last minute complications, minimal resources, limited choices, no support system, etc.). Below is a response I recently sent to caregiver who stated "my mom hates me."
Unfortunately, our aging parents may reject our attempts to be of help. In most cases it represents profound anger at their situation as well as their caregivers. Their outward displeasure and verbal affronts are the few tools they have left to exert control on their environment. When all else fails, control the caregiver with anger. It creates a miserable environment for everyone. You are hoping she will find some "happiness" and she is letting you know this is not going to happen and, more importantly, how angry she is at her situation and especially you. Now what?
You need to consider the boundaries of what you are trying to accomplish. Aging is a messy process and sometimes, despite our best efforts, things turn our poorly. It might help to tell your mother that you are doing "the best you can do" given the situation. She can choose to be angry, mean, and hateful. But it won't change the situation or the opportunity you two have to work together. You don't have the power to turn back the clock, make money appear, or correct all of the wrongs in her life. Your just trying to do the best you can to give her dignity and choices. No matter how angry she gets at her situation, the problems of being older won't disappear. In fact, they get more complicated. The only thing that helps is working together to find the best choices.
Don't expect your mother to jump up and hug you, apologize for her spiteful comments, and be a different person. But stay on script in a gentle and firm voice. Think of it as a campaign that you need to orchestrate over the next three months. Be compassionate, but stay on message and keep your words consistent.
Maybe you mother will not change her mind. If not, you at least are giving her a clear signal about what you can and cannot do. It returns a modicum of sanity to your world. Maybe she will tone down the anger part of the time, a small but significant reprieve. And maybe, just maybe, she may see the occasion to talk about her feelings and "test" how it feels to work together.
Unfortunately, our aging parents may reject our attempts to be of help. In most cases it represents profound anger at their situation as well as their caregivers. Their outward displeasure and verbal affronts are the few tools they have left to exert control on their environment. When all else fails, control the caregiver with anger. It creates a miserable environment for everyone. You are hoping she will find some "happiness" and she is letting you know this is not going to happen and, more importantly, how angry she is at her situation and especially you. Now what?
You need to consider the boundaries of what you are trying to accomplish. Aging is a messy process and sometimes, despite our best efforts, things turn our poorly. It might help to tell your mother that you are doing "the best you can do" given the situation. She can choose to be angry, mean, and hateful. But it won't change the situation or the opportunity you two have to work together. You don't have the power to turn back the clock, make money appear, or correct all of the wrongs in her life. Your just trying to do the best you can to give her dignity and choices. No matter how angry she gets at her situation, the problems of being older won't disappear. In fact, they get more complicated. The only thing that helps is working together to find the best choices.
Don't expect your mother to jump up and hug you, apologize for her spiteful comments, and be a different person. But stay on script in a gentle and firm voice. Think of it as a campaign that you need to orchestrate over the next three months. Be compassionate, but stay on message and keep your words consistent.
Maybe you mother will not change her mind. If not, you at least are giving her a clear signal about what you can and cannot do. It returns a modicum of sanity to your world. Maybe she will tone down the anger part of the time, a small but significant reprieve. And maybe, just maybe, she may see the occasion to talk about her feelings and "test" how it feels to work together.
Never listen to a sick person
One of the first things my husband's doctor told me about my husband and his dementia was not to listen to a sick person.
It starts with when you suspect something is wrong and you say "I think I'll call the doctor.." and they say "No, I am fine..." to the nasty, hurtful things that people say.
Part of the reason you have to get through this as a caregiver is that the upper frontal part of the brain where the social filters reside is the area that seems to go first. So, if he gets a thought in his head, he says it without any manners or leveling of degree, etc. Over the years, I have heard it all - believe me...
So I repeat this over and over..."the doctor said it's not him anymore" and I wait for when he looks into my eyes and says thank you or that he loves me, etc... and remember that.
This caregiving is a marathon, not a sprint so you just have to somehow find some humor in it and shake it off or you will be caring for someone that you may love but not like.
This person - your parent - loved you and still does but maybe just can't get over what is happening to them and you are close and get the brunt of it...you may be the only person left that truly cares and puts the caring into action.
Forgive and forget or tell us about it - but let it go.
It starts with when you suspect something is wrong and you say "I think I'll call the doctor.." and they say "No, I am fine..." to the nasty, hurtful things that people say.
Part of the reason you have to get through this as a caregiver is that the upper frontal part of the brain where the social filters reside is the area that seems to go first. So, if he gets a thought in his head, he says it without any manners or leveling of degree, etc. Over the years, I have heard it all - believe me...
So I repeat this over and over..."the doctor said it's not him anymore" and I wait for when he looks into my eyes and says thank you or that he loves me, etc... and remember that.
This caregiving is a marathon, not a sprint so you just have to somehow find some humor in it and shake it off or you will be caring for someone that you may love but not like.
This person - your parent - loved you and still does but maybe just can't get over what is happening to them and you are close and get the brunt of it...you may be the only person left that truly cares and puts the caring into action.
Forgive and forget or tell us about it - but let it go.
A little fun
Here is a bit of fun for us...take a quiz and see if you know anything about company logos...
view link
view link
Eons Picnic SKIT -- You're Invited!
Please come to Boston in the Summer...
What: A Picnic SKIT — Party with the Eons Team!
When: Wednesday, August 13, 2008
What time: 5-8 PM
Where: 1 1st Ave., Building 34, Charlestown Navy Yard, Charlestown, Massachusetts
Join us for a cookout, games, music and fun here at Eons. Bring a friend. Just RSVP as a Reply to this post (so we can get an accurate count of how many Eons Members are joining us). Swag for all... and... the first 25 Members that RSVP and come to the party will also receive an Eons mug!
We can't wait to meet you!
Boom boom boom ~suzy
Jokes for saltflatt - my amigo
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, 'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.'
***********************
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
---------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, 'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.'
***********************
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
---------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
God, Grant me Patience!
I'm not sure if others are facing this or not but listening to Dad just drives me up the wall sometimes. He loves to talk and he will start one story and after a couple of lines change direction into another story without a pause for hours. And the storys are the same week after week, month after month, year after year. Often the same story will be told multiple times a day. I did find some humor in this sad situation yesterday. My sister is out of state for the week and checks on us twice a day. She called yesterday and I handed the phone to Dad to let him visit. After a few minutes his land line phone rang next to him and I answered it since he was busy telling my sister stories. It was my sister calling back because she had lost the cell contact minutes earlier. So there was Dad talking away to her on the dead cell phone while I was talking to her two feet away on the other phone. Bless his heart, he had such a look on his face when I interrupted his story and handed him the other phone with my sister on it. I know I shouldn't complain because it's just a minor thing with everything else going on. I guess I just need to vent....Salt
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