Appleuvhis
Humor


Cookie and Clarence Cronk were both in their early eighties. They loved to fellowship with other sister and brothers of the faith and were always on time for Sunday services. Every since, they accepted Christ as their Lord and Savior, they vowed to one another, that no matter what, they would not miss church services. They participated in most of the church activities, but they most enjoyed praise and worship before the sermon. Neither one of them could carry a tune, but it did not stop them from singing to the top of their lungs.

It was a Saturday evening and Clarence was craving Grandma Browns’s baked beans. He pushed down on the arms of his frayed over stuffed easy chair to give himself leverage to stand. The seat cushion had acquired a deep pit in its center from wear and tear, making it extremely difficult to get out of. The cracking and snapping from the arthritis in his body, along with the sound of a tear in the seat of his pants, drew Cookie’s attention away from the book she was reading; “Analitis”

Cookie lowered her trifocals down on her nose and peered up over the brim. Baffled by the noise and feeling disgusted for being interrupted, she clucked,
‘
“Clarence! Excuse yerself’! You old fool!”

“Fur what? He answered sounding surprised.

“You know what fu’r!” Cookie sassed back.

“ Fur yer’ infurmation’, it’s my arthritis yer’ hearin’!”

“That ain’t all I heard Clarance Cronk, now fess up!”

Turning his back to Cookie and bending over, he exposed the tear in the seat of his pants. Clarence cranked his head around and looked over his shoulder at Cookie. Reaching aroun with his right arm, he pointed at the opening in his trousers.

“Lookie here! It just so happens, these old trousers just blew a gasket!” Clarence informed.

Cookie glared straight at him and hissed, “Well, it ain’t no wonder. Alls you’ve done for the past three weeks is dig at your hind end. Why, you’ve wore a bulls eye right through the gosh dang material!

Defending himself, Clarence sputtered, “It ain’t my fault! I told you befur, I was having this god awful itchin’! Why, I ain’t even had a desent nights sleep in weeks! Alls I do is dig, dig, dig! Even if I is lucky enuff’ to get ta’ sleep, I dream I’m itchen’. I told you, I needed some kind of cream, Cookie! And, I don’t mean no Cookies and Cream either!” You better hope you don’t start itchin’ and a diggin’, cause ifs' you do, it ain’t no freakin’ picnic!

Cookie removed her glasses that were held by a safety chain and let them fall to her chest. She held up the book she was reading with one hand and shaking it at him, she argued,

“You listen here mister smarty pants! I spent all my hard workin'ironin’ money buyin’ this here book about analitis in yer’ eighties! You’ve got all the symptoms, so you just listen up!” Cookie started naming symptoms of her diagnosis,

“Itchin’, burnin,’, gas, pressure, yeast, moisture,..”

Before Cookie could say anymore, Clarence jumped in,

“I ain’t got no yeast! And, I sure as heck ain’t got moisture! Where in tar nation did you git’ that dang book anyhow? For pete’s sake Cookie, I thought you were a whole lot smarter that that!”

“Just you listen! I aint finished yet!” She wailed.

“Oh yes you is! Cause, I ain’t listenen’ to no more about anal….analit…Whatever you called it!

Stumbling towards the kitchen, Clarence mumbled aloud, “You’ve gone an’ ruined my appetite talkin’ about all that stuff! I had myself a cravin’ for some of Gramdma’s beans, but, now I got cramps in my stomach!”

Cookie put her glasses back on and opening the book, she added,

“and, odor! It says here, you can have an odor! You’ve had a bad odor Clarence!”

“I ain’t got no odor! You best member’ the ol’ sayin’, “A skunk smells his own hole first! Now, id’ be best, if you put that dang book up and go ta bed! I‘ve heard all I wanna hear. Yur’ makin’ me sick to my stomach talkin’ bout all them symptims’! Now, we’s got church in the mornin’ and I gotta figger’ out away to get through the service with all this itchin'.! I ain’t missed services in 18 years, and I ain’t about to stay home on acountna’ all this diggin’.!”

Cookie’s eyes remained fixed on her book, but shaking her head, she disgustedly said,

“Well, them is yer’ best trousers, so you better gettem’ off so I can sew um’ up!”

“You ain’t sewin’ nothin’! It’s a whole lot easier to reach that itch with the opening in my trousers! You just leavum’ alone!”

Cooly, Cookie answered back, “Well, everyone’s gonna’ see that big ol ‘ hole, and think I ain’t a good wife!” Cookie started to cry, “You just tryin’ to make me look bad!”

“Oh quit your snivlen’! I gotta’ nuff’ problems tryin’ figger’ out how I’m gonna’ sit through all that preachin’ with the problim’ I got!”

Cookie, feeling sympathetic interjected, “I know darlin’. Maybe, I could give ya a little scratch now and then. I does love ya’and ya' knows' I’d do anything fer ya”!

Clarence heard the softening in Cookie’s voice and turned to tell her he was sorry for snapping at her. Just as he did, Cookie pushed her finger up one nostril to itch, and Clarence bellowed,

“Awwww Cookie, Git’ yur finger outta yer’ nose! Yer’ makin me sick’! You yell at me for my itchin', but you ain’t no dang' better!

“Clarence, I just offered to help you with yer itch’ an yer treatin’ me like that?”

“Cookie, I know you offured’ to lend me a scratch, but I ain’t pickin’ yer dern nose for ya! I luvs ya, but yer takin’ things just a bit far!”

“Clarence Cronk! I didn’t ask fur yer help! So you just stop yer worryin’ about it!”

Clarence was exhausted and figured the only way things were ever going to settle down was if they turned in for the night.

“Cookie, let’s go ta’ bed. I don’t wanna’ bicker no more,” Clarence suggested.

“Alright!” Cookie agreed, standing up from her chair. “But, what is we gonna do about church come mornin'?”

“We will gets’ through it Cookie. I’m just gonna’ have ta’ refrain from digging’ at myself til ‘ after services are over. Besides, when there singin’ those fast songs, I kin’ just rubs' my back end to and fro on the pew to the beat of the music!” Then we leave, we's can stop at the drug store and talk to that there pharmacist! He probly’ knows of a real good cream, I kin’ use fer' it"

Together, they turned out the lights and climbed the stairs to their room. They got into bed and Clarence turned out the light. Cookie could feel the jiggle of the bed and she knew Clarence was itching and digging.

Just before she closed her eyes, she uttered into the darkness, “I jest’ hope with all that gas yer havin’, they don’t sing that song about our prayers bein’ like incense risin’ up to God’s throne, cuz’ I don’t think I kin’ keep myself from splittin’ up with laughter!”

“Cookie, go to sleep!”

“Goodnight Clarence.”

“Goodnight Cookie.”