Abstraction vs Reality

Maybe it's the time of life. Suddenly you notice that people are starting to disappear. Friends, family even aquaintances you have occasionally run into through the years. Its like your life is distilling down to its essence, the core players in your personal saga.

It got me to thinking about the roles other people play in our lives, sometimes a lifetime part, at other times at cameo. It does not seem to be the duration of their involvement, necessarily that defines their impact. I can vividly remember moments in my life that strangers entered, events occured that will never be forgotten, and just a abruptly disappeared, names and destinations -unknown. And others, long termers, without whom I can't even imagine my life. They define me, they keep me honest.

I have found myself idly scanning the obits, looking for familiar faces or connections from my past. Thinking fondly of the links to memories jogged by a face or tidbit of information I had not thought of in years. I wonder what ever happened to...

My husband told me once that he believed other people exist in our lives as witnesses to our lives - different people, different areas of experience. Some are priviledged to witness the tangled story up close, over time and in excruciating detail. Others appear and disappear, we never know why - yet their impact lingers on.

There are people I know, that I wish I knew better - but somehow circumstances never quite jive to make it so. Of course, the reverse is also true.

If I may make a probably unpopular observation here, the latter usually occurs with family members. We all know the homilies regarding family. Blood is thicker than water (a factually true statement, yet makes no sense as a description of relationships). I personally like "family ties that bind, and gag." I have many extended family ties that I untied long ago and really have no desire to restore. Like Peggy Sue's grandfather says, "it's your grandmothers strudel thats kept this family together". What happens when the strudel is gone? In your immediate family, of course is the shared history. But how much are you supposed to let go of your real life now, in the name of unity and nostalgia?

And must one to "do the right thing" - even at expense of their own peace of mind. It's a statement loaded and dripping with guilt and shoulds or should nots. A psychic Krispy Kreme that usually someone besides yourself imposes upon you. Why is this seen as a holy and sanctified act of sacrifice demanded on a fairly regular basis within a family unit. Why does it still stab at your soul, making your question your motives and morals in a never ending circle of whys and why nots. Lives have drifted apart, taking diverse paths. We outgrow the need for a premade group - we are adults and have created our own families and interpersonal connections. Besides, who gets to define what the right
thing is? A critical question.

Many can - and do - remain involved in each others lives to varying degrees. It happens and it can be great, but that relationship is one that has evolved with the participants. This relationship is quite different and carries much more personal responsibility and involvement than the vaguely threatening statement "you must, because you are family". It should be of course I will, because you are my friend and I care about you - you just happen to be related to me.

Perhaps my definition of family has changed over the years. I include friends as my family. People who know me now, and are involved and care about my life now and vice-versa not in some mythic idealized past where good was very good, and bad was explained away as for the greater good you just didn't understand. Over the years I have gritted my teeth and neutralized my expression to get through expected gatherings in one piece. I have nothing in common with many of these people any more, save the historical connection. I don't know them, nor they I. Woe unto those who fail to play the game, or worse decline to appear upon demand. It is be there or be talked about. As if that were the ultimate threat. Don't get me wrong. I like to be liked. But I like to be liked for who I really am now, not who I was in a different time and place.

We all change, on a daily basis sometimes. But to keep up with the changes requires actual involvement, not scripted meetings and official get togethers. It requires trust, and comfort and honesty and the genuine desire to speak or get together for no reason at all, save the pleasure of each others company. My good friends know me warts and all as I know them. Some of my family does too, not all. That's OK with me. It took me along time to accept it, but accept it I have.

When I think of my mother, what I miss is was not what was - but what should have been and never was.

That is the abstraction.

I can offer you my support, for old times sake - but not my soul.
That is the reality.