I found it!...
I have been in love with words since I learned to read. I have loved every English class. Creative writing brings tears to my eyes. So why can't I blog?? Just hit any key and go right??
I joined Blogging 101 and just knew that I would be the perfect blogger instantly. That was last week. That dream did not come true.
I have met some really nice people in the group and become close to a couple of them. CaliforniaBlonde even had the caring idea of having me write something and then have onetoejeff look it over. They both are excellent bloggers and I felt blessed with the offer.
Till I sat and looked at the blank page. I just could not do that either. I realized, once again, I am seeking approval. This is a life long habit that has to be broken.
So... I am going to boldly become a blogger. No one thinks or says I have to be perfect. They do not expect it. They just want me to write from my heart... be it funny or sad... and share.
WOW! It only took me 6 months to figure it out. Just call me speedy!
My mother was abusive. My bothers and I did not know it. We thought that was how life was and everyone was hit and screamed at on a daily basis. We adored my mom!! She loved us as much as she hurt us.
You see my mom was physically, mentally and sexually abused. She was only doing what she had been taught. In fact she thought she was doing better as she had cut out the sexual abuse. There was none of that in our life.
My mom thought she wanted children. She prayed for 4 years to become pregnant with a girl. I could not figure out if she wanted me so much and loved me so much why was she hitting me and yelling at me? I honestly think she wanted a 'small adult' instead of a child. Or perfection.
To us? Our mom was the most wonderful woman in the world and we loved her with all of our heart. She would do just about anything for us and we were all close to her.
We were saddened by her early death, 18 years ago, and still mourn her. But while we are mourning... we are still healing. We may never be the persons we could have been. Her voice still floats through our heads and makes us hesitate or stops us from doing things.
Before she passed away she told me that I was a much better mother than she was. I told her it was because of her. In all actuality... she had taught me right from wrong.
When I was young she used to yell at me, "I hope you have a dozen kids just like you when you grow up!" I wished I did too mom. Who knows what I would have mothered? Maybe a doctor, lawyer, president or maybe more of what I have now. Happy Children.
It is not all my mom's fault. You know how they say you marry your father? I married my mother and spent 18 more years in a living hell but that is for another time.
No longer a virgin.... and happy as hell!
