The first few years is a deadly dread, has it come back? What will they tell me?

Then, it becomes something different. What has transpired in my life over the past twelve months? How have I made the world better? How many friends have I lost? Why them? Why am I here and they are gone?

Again, this year I face this having lost several dear friends to this disease. I'm here they are not. What have I done to carry on for them?

I honestly don't have an answer. I try to promote health care for all, education, the realization that we are all brothers and sisters, honor their lives. Yet, this year more than most, I dread it. I do not dread it out of fear of cancer, but rather realizing that their is no peace and there is less brotherhood than there has been in a long time.

I am still a white woman living in the south. Things have changed, but not that much. People are "accepted", "tolerated", but they are not equal. Hell no they are not treated equally.

I try to move forward, but I am a coward. A few months ago, I was in dealing with some disc problems. Had to go back again and again. Over this time a nice black man and I, who took my ex-rays, would talk while I was on the table about music, books, just stuff. Now, bear in mind, I wearing those paper bloomers that they make you wear if you are stupid enough to wear pants with a zipper. On one of my last visits, he said, "Well, if you ever think you could go out with a younger black man, let me know. I'm very interested." At first, to be honest my reaction was well, " don't feel very comfortable in my cotton bloomers here." Secondly was, is this appropriate for a someone in a professional position to ask me out? Then, I felt a bit elated. Hell, he was a nice looking guy, and younger than me! I replied, "Thank you, but I'm involved." That was a total lie.

Then, the real reality sinks in. Even my so called liberal friends would not be comfortable with this. Not that they object to the concept, just don't want the complication. Thank God, at least I knew it wouldn't bother my kids, other than the question of whether is was appropriate timing.

Yes, racism is alive an well. Even if we are not racists, we may be cowards.

Is not the cancer of my body that I fear, but the cancer of the soul.