Hard Time

Dear Tearfulsquaw,
I can feel the pain you are going through. I went through a similar situation with my parents, only when my father passed away in 2000 he was only 67. I was aiding in his care and trying to get the medical help he needed to save him but He died a very painful death and there wasn't anything I could do about it. It was more painful because we had the same rocky relationship that you are speaking of having with your father. The times we argued stayed in my mind for three or four years haunting me after his death. I felt like "The Bad Daughter". when in reality, I was just fighting to feel loved by him. I'm sure there is some of that need in you, isn't there? If it's true for you, there is nothing wrong with needing to feel love from your father. After all, fathers are the place we first learn to love and be loved by the men in our lives. and if they too don't know how to love tenderly, then we grow up without and always yearning for it.
I can tell you my fathers passing left me with so much regret. Not because I did something wrong, but because I didn't let go of wanting him to show me love differently until it was too late to share the peace that comes with that kind of acceptance.
My parents have been divorced since I was very young, and my mother has been remarried, but they are having health issues too. I have learned to not put it all on me. I say NO sometimes and lead them to others (such as agencies that help the elderly) to help with the care and to step back and really "BE WITH MY FEELINGS" thus freeing up the time to really be with them.
Taking time to grieve your loss is so very important! If you don't do the grieving you will be stuck in it for years and that can be so painful. It's really OK to be scared, this is the place you'll find strength. When I am afraid I go to God (It's not a religious God), and tell him I am afraid. I place my attention on him believing he hears me. He is with you and wants to comfort you. Ask him to send you support. Give only what you have to give to your mom. Sometimes all someone wants is to be heard.
I am so sorry you are going through the loss of your parents...it is indeed painful. I will pray for you and your family and please feel free to e-mail me anytime for anything. I would love to support you in anyway I can.
You have joined the painting and drawing group and I want to extend a warm welcome!
Starrybright

I am so sorry that you have to see them both through this. It's difficult, I'm sure. But somewhere along the way you just have to remember that these are your earthly parents, and your Father in Heaven is watching out for all of you. If it is his time to journey, kiss him gently goodbye, and wish him a good journey. Then devote what time you have to your mother. Even when they get old, mothers are strong. I hope I don't have to face this for many, many years yet. But the statistics tell me that I'm already still being a daughter on borrowed time. I am enjoying every minute I can with both of them.

No suggestions. Just prayers.

I am so sorry you are in such pain. Pain seems to be an essential element of being human, unfortunately. I think we gain depth from pain but sometimes it is a large price to pay isn’t it? My father and mother essentially abandoned me when I was two years old. As the age they are now and the infirmities they have and being near death the sad part for me is that I really don’t care. I know that if I had been fortunate enough to have had a nurturing and loving relationship with them their death would hurt me greatly. So this lack of hurt seems like a loss to me. As humans we must grieve losses.

My advice is to say your good byes, as they come to you. Appreciate in them what you can. Hold no guilt for relationships that were not established even with a mother or a father. Court your blessings whatever they are.

I have Lakota Sioux ancestors and am an artist too. We share much.