From the very beginning I've wanted to write something on this blog - but every time I really considered doing so, there was some sort of unwanted nagging going on in my head that prohibited me from doing so. The things I wanted to write about are not what I need to write about. It's taken awhile for me to get to this place.

I was laid off at the end of last October and have experienced an incredible amount of new things and learned so much this has really been an adventure. I am free of obligations other than to myself in a way I have never really experienced before. I have had the opportunity to explore life, be very frustrated by life, but to live life in a way I haven't before. Like everyone else, I have some unfinished business and I have been wading through that morass, weeding and cultivating. I'm even wondering why I paid for college when now I am truly experiencing intellectual growth.

Last November I started spending more and more time on Eons, initially, mostly playing games. I sort of looked around and really enjoyed looking at and reading others profiles. I also started looking at some of the groups available.

At the same time I had found Sparkpeople, a totally free site dealing with weight issues. I got brave there and posted my first online messages. Not nearly as scary as I thought it would be. The more it worked for me there the more I wanted expand my horizons.

Eons intrigued me and I started participating in little baby steps, joining groups, posting, started really enjoying it. One day I was looking at profiles and read one in which the writer discussed having been sold as an infant. I read it four or five times, was transfixed. When I was able to respond, my first reaction was tears, second to PM that person and third, to be so relieved it's beyond words to express.

To be a white female in America who was sold and knows nothing whatever about familial health issues or genealogical origins is pretty much a nightmare. Overall white people are grossly prejudiced and equally so to white folks who know not from whence they come.

My dad worked for Paramount Pictures and I grew up in Pacific Palisades, California which was basically a movie industry stronghold. I learned early to just go with the flow. Fantasy was a way of life there. I adapted. If you were German, so was I, if you were English, etc., etc. I just lied, in order to feel I fitted in somewhere. But I never really knew where, and never really fit in. Some time in my early teens I stopped trying to fit and decided if people didn't like who and what I am I would hang in the back ground. I could go on and on with examples of things that occurred to me. One, my parents often said if only they know who and what I was, I would be a better person. There's so much more but there really is no point. They happened. I survived. The only thing that matters is I gave up opportunities in order to marry,(as soon after high school as possible which was really about pregnancy; to have another living human being on the planet who was truly connected to me. Now I have three.

The writer of being sold PM'd me and we had numerous conversations about our shared experiences. It has been one of the most healing experinces of my life. To be able to discuss feelings with someone who actually understood has been astonding. To listen to feelings and be able to understand and feel true empathy has been liberating, freeing. The writer is an awesome individual, an incredibly courageous person. I have grown, I have changed as a direct result of this person. The chances of this ever happening elsewhere is non-exsistant. I am filled with gratitude for this having happened.

I have met others on Eons. A man who, oh my God, just might be the one. Two women who pretty much, although they probably have no idea, surely contributed to my writing this missive. One a woman with profound spirituality and sensitivity, has continued to reach out to me and I, although wanting very much to reach back, I have had an outcrop of old negative feelings all about rejection. Nothing at all to do with her, all about those old feelings of not being enough, an alien. She PM'd me today, and I am writing this. I hope she'll know she's assisted me in the most positive way. The other, a woman who deals with adoption. She has offered to help me. In order for that to happen, I have to get all the emotional baggage attached to it out of the way. I have tried in many ways in the past. Somehow, I now feel this is the way I am actually going to achieve this goal. I have spent thousands of dollars trying to find some sort of information about me. The doctor who sold me has been deceased for many years, and any information more or less died with him. The State of California has a vault in Sacramento where all adoptee's birth records are stored. It is against the law in California to release any of the confidential information. I hope she will know how positively she has impacted me, and the other reason I write this is because I know she's there, like an all important, incredible safety net.

Well the gates are opened. I have lots more to write but this is enough for one night.