Caring for my mom

posted about 1 year ago, updated 3 days later

I want to talk about dealing with my mom. Just before Christmas, she was really sick and ended up in the hospital but we managed to get her out in time for Christmas and have the most amazing Christmas. Well, she spent most of her time in bed, but she got up for meals and I decided that this time, that you never know how short life can be especially when you’re 92 years old, as she is. And rather than wait for a funeral, I thought it’d be really nice for her to meet and see all her friends and family while she was still able to be with them, and sit down and have a meal with them, and share memories. So, we made a point all over Christmas of having these little dinners and lunches and inviting family and the closest friends to come and spend time with her, quality time. And even if she was lying in bed, they’d come and sit with her for hours. And how glad am I that we did this.

We also had a long conversation, my sisters and I with her, and she told us that she was not afraid of dying. She told us what she wanted in her Will, so we rewrote that for her and got everything organized for her, so it was all legal and she knew everything was done. But, she said you know I’m not afraid of dying. The only thing I pray will never happen to me is that I have a stroke because she said that if she ever ended up in a nursing home, she felt that she’d die immediately. That it was the worse hell she could imagine would be having to be in a nursing home.

Well, a few days after Christmas I went back to America, and I got the news that my mother had had a stroke. Of course, I immediately went back to England and there I saw her, and it was absolutely terrifying because her greatest fear has happened. She, unfortunately now cannot speak at all and she has no intelligible language. She can nod “yes” and “no.” And we believe she understands what’s being said, but you know, sometimes, it doesn’t quite make sense. And she definitely is incapacitated in every other way. And basically, we tried to figure out how we could take her out of the hospital and take her home which would have been her wish. But, we realized physically it was impossible to do. We just cannot do this, certainly not at this point. The procedure is impossible. She’d be heavy. She’d have to be lifted. There would have to be so many nurses. And the house just is not ready to be able to do that, nor can my sisters give up their jobs and their lives to do this.

So, we’ve had to do what we really hoped and prayed we wouldn’t have to do and put her into a nursing home. Well, the good news is we found one, and the woman who runs it, her name happens to be Betty. And we told my mother that she’s going to Betty’s house. And she was moved in yesterday and somehow we’ve managed to persuade her, this is a good thing and she’s okay, she’s safe, and she hasn’t reacted the way we were thinking she might have.

Really the question here that I’m posing to everyone is what’s happening to me now, is immediately you ask yourself, what would you do if this happened to you? How can you explain to your children or your loved ones what you would want done? And to what degree, you know that you’d expect them to give up their lives to be there for you. And then the other thing is the wonderful thing is my mother has so many friends and they want to come and see her. So, now what my sisters and I are doing is we realized that it doesn’t matter if you’re in a hospital or you’re in a nursing home, or even if you’re at home being cared for, you always need somebody that has emotional attachment to you to be your advocate. Be it somebody that visits, be it somebody that keeps an eye on making sure that what you would want is happening for you.

So, what we’re trying to do now is trying to make her as happy and comfortable as possible. We comb her hair. We put lipstick on her. We may put her fragrance on. We always have fresh flowers around her. And what we’re doing is staggering the visiting times so that different people that she knows and loves are coming at different times. And so she constantly is being seen by someone other than someone that’s being paid to look after her. That’s where we’re at right now with my mom.

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1. about 1 year ago howiezmom wrote:

Dear Jane...my name is Debra and I am a geriatric nurse in New Jersey....I am so sorry to hear about your mother's stroke....She is very fortunate to have a caring family that will see her emotional and physical needs are met. There is a tremendous amount of guilt surrounding nursing home placement by families of all socio-economic levels.....Our parents took care of us and we feel we should be able to do the same. You must have already realized that ill adults are not the same as babies. They won't grow out of it. They need two-three people for ADLs and their children cannot provide this 24 hour/7 day a week service without risking their own health. I think the arrangements for your mother are admirable and you and our family should know you've done all that you can. Blessings and good health to your family. Howiezmom

2. about 1 year ago HeleneD wrote:

Dear Jane ~
My heart goes out to you. I can relate somewhat, althought not exactly. About a year ago I learned that my father was ill. He was diagnosed with RA (rheumathoid arthritis) and the illness began to affect his quality of life substantially. He described the pain that he was experiencing as agonizing. Knowing that my father has very little tolerance for pain, I suffered at the thought of what he was going through. In some recent months I learned that my father suffered three broken vertebraes as a result of medication induced osteoporosis. He was in excrutiating pain for nearly 3 months and bed ridden for that long. I went to visit him in November (he lives in Puerto Rico and I live in Virginia) and I was shocked by what I saw. What I saw was a very fragile man who at 70 yrs old looked at least 10 years older. My heart sank but thank God I was able to put my feelings aside and just attend to his needs while I was there. He has been blessed with a loving companion that tends to his most basic needs pretty much around the clock. Since I can't be near him it is comforting to know he is not being neglected. But i digress. I spent 5 days (all I could at the time since my husband and I run a business) by his bedside, getting him out of bed to sit in the living room or in the back porch, talking to him, singing with him, and stroking his aching arms and back. I don't know if anyone can accurately describe the feelings that a grown woman or man has as they face the reality of their parents frailty and loss of quality of life. Even the little things, such as you describe, make such a difference. I remember sitting by my dad's bedside clipping his nails and how happy he was that his nails were neat and trimmed. My father has always been very fastidious about his grooming and appearance and I know it was depressing to him not to be able to take care of himself the way he used to.

So, Jane, my prayers are with you, your family, and your mom. At the end of the day the most important thing is to demonstrate your love and respect for them and you and your family are doing just that. God bless you and yours!!

Fondly...HeleneD

3. about 1 year ago Lynn1 wrote:

I remember going through this with my Mom. I wish my sister and I had thought of organizing visits for my Mom and her friends before we lost her. It was hard for them to come for a visit since they were aging too and my Mom had moved a little ways away from where she had lived most of her life, but I could have helped with transportation etc. Recently one of my parents best friends children through a 90th birthday party for her. My sister and I attended since we felt our parents would have wanted us to. It broke my heart to see their firend doing so well and being so active. I could only wish I still had parents and that they were healthy. I know this is a very hard time for you and your sisters, but I hope you continue to do these wonderful things for her because you will never get this time back. I wish you the best.

4. about 1 year ago Sal56 wrote:

From what I've read, I'd say you have made the best of both worlds. Your mother is very licky to have the family and friends she does. I took a job in my youth in a care facility. I only lasted 3 days. The biggest sadness I saw (and I would be certain what was your mothers fear) was that no one came to see these people. It was as if they had been placed in a safe deposit box and left. As close as your family appears to be, I am sure she will do well and lavish in the attention. What a wonderful life she has had. All the things she has seen in her life, yes not all good but all the same, wonderous.

And Jane, thanks for the work you have given us.

5. about 1 year ago SeventhSojourn wrote:

Thank you for sharing, Ms. Seymour. It's wonderful that you and your sisters are such devoted daughters. The seasons of our lives bring many joys as well as our share of challenges and sorrows, too. I suspect you know that to be true because you have such a brilliant ability to communicate and express emotions in your acting. Yet, dear soul, what one knows intellectually is quite another matter when it is so deeply and profoundly personal as it is for you now. Please know that all who have posted here share our thoughts and prayers with you, your sisters and your wonderful Mom.

As an engineer, I have spent much of my life working with 'things' (rather than people, say, as you or a doctor do) and 'fixing problems'. So it was that when my own mother, aged 90, suffered from what she believed was an incapacitating stroke, my initial focus was on 'fixing things'. But, so much more became clear to me as I helped her walk down the hospital hallway, as I held my arm around her and held her close to me. I may never be able to completely convey in words what I felt and what I learned in that act but I know that it was one of many doors that opened in my appreciation of all that we are (and are not), of the circle of life, of the richness in our mere existence and of all that we shall enjoy together for eternity.

God Bless, Godspeed and thank you, again, for sharing on the theater stage and, now, on life's stage, too. We are with you.

6. about 1 year ago grammalpn wrote:

Hi--So sorry to hear about your Mom's condition, but, at the same time, glad to hear that you, your sisters, and your families are there for her. I know it's harder on all of you to do what has to be done because you KNOW what her wishes were/are. My Dad has Alzheimer's and is in a nursing home; at first, it was difficult, b/c he had enough of his mind left that he was aware of his surroundings. Now, we see that we made the right choice. Dad is 87 years old and as happy as he can be under the circumstances.

Mom is also 87 years old and probably SHOULD be in a nursing home; however, she is adamant about NOT going into one. So far, we have been able to keep her at home, but who knows how long this will last. I pray, as you did, that she won't have another stroke and end up unable to care for herself, but should that time come, we will have to be brave and loving enough to do what has to be done--whatever that is.

God bless you and your family, and especially, I pray that your Mom is not suffering physically nor mentally. As long as our parent is unaware, it eases our "guilt" at "putting them there"--and we KNOW that we had no choice--and I pray she is at peace with her surroundings. You are in my prayers!

7. about 1 year ago Jazzy147 wrote:

Peace & Blessings Jane: I'm an only child and had to put my mother in a nursing home when she was 94 because of demetia and other health issues. My health didn't permit me to continue to care for her at home. I found one of the best nursing homes in the area and it turned out to be a bit of a blessing. The staff fell in love with her and she got excellent care. I started out by visiting two and three times a day and gradually got to once a day. My uncle visited her almost every evening, as well. She also got visits from my son, her friends and church members. It was very hard to watch her mental decline but God gives us strength during difficult times. My mom had developed dementia and sometimes her behavior was bizarre. But when she was "herself", she appreciated where she was and knew she was loved and being well cared for. I wouldn't be surprised if your mother feels the same way even though she cannot articulate it. You and your family have taken such thoughtful steps to create a loving, comforting environment for her. For that you are to be commended! I hope you and your family are remembering to take good care of yourselves as well. That's very important! May God bless you all. Peace

8. about 1 year ago antique1 wrote:

Jane, I can relate to you and your family. December, 2005 my mother was living in a retirement community and he called me and told me she wanted to go to a nursing home (I was in total shock and did not want this) but she insisted. She stated she could not live by herself any longer and did not want to be a burden on me or my brother. She went in the nursing home. I visited daily to check on her. She seemed to really like it but in May of 2006 she became ill and told me she was going to die very shortly. He died on June 13, 2006. She was not afraid to die and she said she lived a good life with a good family. She did have a living will and it was not hard for me to make decisions for her regarding life support-she made that very clear thru our many discussions. I was very lucky that my mother had her mind. My husband was ill when my mother died-to make a long story short he developed Adult Respitatory Syndrome. I had to have him air lifted to a hospital and he was omitted to intensive care-he died 16 days after my mother. He did not have a living will (he was 52 years old). He went into kidney failure with many more problems. God took him so I did not have to make any decisions. What I am trying to say-everyone needs a living will regardless of your age-one never knows what is going to happen. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Judy

9. about 1 year ago Sandybeaches wrote:

Dear Jane,
I know what you are going through. My father had a quadruple bypass surgery last June and had a stroke that night. My four sisters and I had to put him in a nursing home and we all took turns being with him and helping my mother out. He improved enough to go home the week before Christmas. He still needs care and someone is there every day to help with his personal needs. All my mom and dad wanted was him to be home so they could be together. They celebrated their 56 wedding anniversary on Feb 9th. The love the two of them have is so heartwarming. I pray for your mom and your family.
Sandy

10. about 1 year ago Fishele wrote:

Dear Jane, My name is Judy and my mother was diagnosed with Lewy-Body Dementia three years ago. She was very badly off and in a nursing home for awhile, something she also said all her life that she never wanted, and as an only child making all decisions for her, it was like a nightmare. Mom adjusted to the nursing home (it was a good one filled with loving caring staff near my home so I could see her all the time) and she actually got better and was able to go home for almost a year. Then a year ago she began to decline again and had to go back , and to my surprise she even requested to go back to that particular place! She stayed there too, reasonably content, until her death on 02/15/07. I am saying all this to tell you that nursing homes are way different than they used to be and there is a good chance that your Mom will be happier than you think. It is very hard to be the one making the decisions, especially when communication is made impossible by the illness, but your Mom knows you love her more than anything and would do anything possible for her, so know that you are doing the right thing. I just want to encourage you in this. Don't be tormented. Where your Mom is now, you can both enjoy eachother and not have to be burdened by the mechanics of the care she needs. It sounds to me like you have done a great job as a family getting everything in place that needs to be done. Now just go and love on your Mom. Enjoy every minute. When she is gone, the only thing you will regret is not have been with her even more.

11. about 1 year ago tnreb50 wrote:

Hi Jane,
My mom lives right next door to me in a place I have provided. Well, not exactly, my dad and I had put it there and my mom's mom lived and died there until she was 101. My mom now lives there and I take care of her. She can't drive and is legally blind but can get around her place. I guess she will be there until she dies. I don't see my son doing the same for me but will cross that bridge when I get there.
Lots of luck. I applaud you for taking an interest in her and doing what you can.

12. about 1 year ago corrybarb wrote:

What a lucky woman your mother is. I experienced a very similiar situation several years ago with my own father. I was fortunate enough to be able to bring him home after the stroke and care for him in his very few remaining days.
I had been a nurse for many years so SURELY I could sucessfully care for a dying man at home. Well boy is it different when it is your own relative! After his death, determined that others should have assistance when experiencing the same, I was able to start up a hospice in our town.
In that capacity I have been honored to witness many loving families such as yours who are willing to talk about death and freely discuss end of life issues.
God Bless

13. about 1 year ago MysteryWriter wrote:

Dear Jane,
Your comments touched me deeply, and I am grateful for having read them. As a writer, the poignancy of your words compelled me to re-read what you wrote and to empathize.
You and your sisters have earned your place in heaven.

14. about 1 year ago Deborah56 wrote:

Dear Jane,
I can really understand what you are going thru as I have just finished being caregiver to my mother on 2/16/2007. Mother's last 8 months were on Hospice. And Mother was at home. I was doing it all. From helping her dress to bathing, combing her hair, and managing her around the house in the wheelchair. The hospice nurses come twice a week, 7 days a week for the last 3 weeks. Hospice even arranged for a priest, last bath, and arrangements for preparation for burial.

So, besides being a caregiver, Mother and I had a really good 8 months. I was there for her to talk, laugh and just enjoy. That is what is important! Making sure things are bright, cheery, and pleasant. Mother went very peacefully, and happily.
Luckly, several years ago, Mother had made a "Living Trust" and made sure I was on all her accounts. So, the last 8 months for finances were easy.

15. about 1 year ago boatman4 wrote:

Dear Jane, I am an only chid and my mother is 96.and was living in a mobil home in florida. She fell afew years ago and she just laid there for hours and wouldn't call me because it was late at night, my mother is very stubborn. She is used to doing everything herself. I finally realized I had to get her out of there and found a great place. She has her own apt. and if she needs a nursing home it's right there. She wouldn't talk to me for 6 months but now shes running the place and knows everyone. So I know I did the right thing, but it's hard.
BOB

16. about 1 year ago DavidPhx wrote:

Hello Jane, What a wonderful supporting cast your mother has. Family and friends are vital in situations like this and can make your moms life more bearable. She can understand way more than we can realize. I wish you and your family the best and never give up the hope that she will recover somewhat. God bless your family.

17. about 1 year ago azur wrote:

Hi Jane,
I read with interest your comments about your mother. About this same time last year, my sisters, my Dad and I went through the same experience and had to place my mother in a nursing home. My Dad has always been such a good provider and we all thought he had done such an excellant job planning for their latter years, but even still there are things that no one can predict. We experienced much guilt over the fact that a nursing home was our only option left to care for her and in our innocence had never thought this would have to occur. We also planned visits so that one of us saw her daily and my Dad went usually two to three times a day. Since my Mother also had a stroke, she was not able to walk or even sit without aid. She sometimes knew us and sometimes just slept through our visits never realizing we were there. She gradually worsened and although I would mention this to the staff, they would remark that her vital signs were stable and would not comment further.

I know now that there are definite things a family should watch for when a loved one is under the care of a nursing home. Although they are giving care that we can not provide for them, it is important to stay very proactive in monitoring their care and demand that something be acted on immediately if you notice changes in her. The doctor usually only make rounds once or twice a day and the nurses do not question things as much as they should. I wish now that I had been more insistant when I had noticed changes in my mother.

It is also important to question anything that you feel is not adequate or right in some way and make sure you get an answer or consult another doctor or do research on your own until you have the answers. I knew my Mother was experiencing some strange behavior and the nurses never would have an answer for this. I did some research on the internet and found that she was experiencing emotional symptoms of impending death. Although medically she was considered at that point OK, she had given up her will to live and had never wanted to live in that condition. She had a living will and had expressed to all of us many times to not prolong her live if she was incapacitated. I researched on line and found much information about rehabiliating stroke victims and about the physical and emotional-spirit-mental signs and symptoms of impending death which help you understand the natural kinds of things which may happen and how you can respond appropriately. I am so glad now that I did this because it helped me understand what she was experiencing. She passed away May 27th of last year and my sister and I were at her side holding her hands. I know now that one of the most important things I learned from the experience is that when we love someone so much we have to try and put our own grief aside and focus on their last wishes and that they are carried out to their choosing. Many times they can not make these choices with out some intervention and some other family members may be experiencing too much grief to carry them out because of their desire to not let go of the loved one.

18. about 1 year ago kennesawcarol wrote:

Ms. Seymour,
I clicked on the article on the previous page, not knowing the circumstance of your situation with your mother. I thought perhaps it could be dementia like my mother. You are lucky, like we are, in that we do have the 'means' to provide for our parents, not everyone is this lucky. Mother broke her hip six months ago, was in a rehabilitaion facility and her demntia actually aided her in that because she could not remember breaking her hip, she tried to walk all the time, she was out in record time. You can find good in every situation. She is not happy being in an assisted living facility but it is the best that could be found, small and with a great staff to resident ratio. I visit my mother 4-5 evenings a week, checking on things she might need and as you say, 'being her advocate'. I do know of one thing that works miracles with my mother......it is the simple human touch. I give her facials. I do her nails, don't let staff do it, you should do it. Hold your mothers hand all the time, lay on the bed beside her and hold her......our roles are reversed and it is our turn to make them feel safe. They struggle with fear constantly, I can see it in my mothers eyes. But I know that when I show up and we lay on that bed and I cradle in 'my' arms and read poetry, or while we watch TV, I can feel her relax. Her body knows that she is safe and she calms and her breathing calms. I find so much joy in knowing that I am able to give to her now the same sense of 'safety' that she gave me as a child. You can feel the stress drain from their bodies.

And you always have to temper with caring for them with caring for ourselves, we do a huge injustice to them by not having a 'life' of our own when they are at the end of theirs, that is the hardest thing for me to do, making time for 'me'. A 'mother' never wants to be a burden to their child, so they have to feel you are visiting them because you want to see them. Nothing but pure love will do......

Good Luck.

Carol in Kennesaw

19. about 1 year ago pastorlisac wrote:

Dear Jane,

Thank you for sharing your story and posing the question as to what would I do. My mother has Alzheimer's and is slowly slipping away mentally. We have discussed things, but she wants to die at home and that just won't be possible. The nursing home will become the only way to make sure she is safe.
I have quit work and moved back home and in with her. She takes up most of my time and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Just keep looking up and, as I know you do, just appreciate every moment you have with your dear mother.
Rev. Lisa Carlson

20. about 1 year ago hytzipky wrote:

Dear Jane,

I've been where you are 3 times. My great-grandmother was the founder of an extraudinary nursing home in Brookline, Massachusetts. She always told us that if she was ever in need of a home, this is where she wanted to go. But at age 77, she got pneumonia which left her in a condition requiring nursing home care. The family put her in the home but she was so unhappy. She begged her daughter to take her out. For the next 10 years, she lived with my grandparents who cared for her -- bathed her, fed her, cleaned her, put her on the toilet -- they were loving and caring but it was tiring and stressful for them. They never complained. She would tell me that it was embarassing to have your children see you in this way but it was better than a nursing home. The best thing she wished to happen was that she would go to sleep and not wake up. I never wanted that because I loved her so much. She died at age 87 of old age -- and not from stress due to being in a nursing home. I was 17 years old at the time.

My grandfather died of natural causes 8 years later. He was 77 years old. My grandmother lived 11 years longer - until she was 81. Six months preceeding her death, she had a stroke. She was in need of a nursing home, too. The difference between her and her mother was that my grandmother, like your own mother, could not speak. She would look into space as if she was oblivious to everything. I knew that she was aware of what was happening to her but she only wanted to die. Her actions led me to believe that if she ignored us when we visited her that we would stop coming to visit. But when I put photographs of my 3 children in her only useful hand, she actually turned one around so that she could see it properly. It was upside down -- oops! I knew that she was aware of the world and not in a partial coma. She kept trying to pull out her feeding tubes so the nurses had to restrain her. That was awful! She died a few months after her stroke. It was a very hard way to go. I was 35 years old.

In 1996, my mother had a stroke. It broke my heart because she didn't want to die like her mother and grandmother before her. Yet she still had a stroke. Luckily (if you can call it that) she passed away immediately. She would have hated to go into a nursing home. The extent of her stroke would have left her as a vegetable so I knew that it was for the best. What I couldn't bear was the fact that my mother was only 68 years young. I was only 45 years old at that time.

I am 55. I know that I will end up like my mother, grandmother and great-grandmother if I don't do something. My problem is that I have illnesses which will not let me do all those diets and exercise programs which are intended to keep people healthy. My triglycerides are the main problem. (cholesterol is good but triglycerides are horrible) I take medication to lower it but the numbers soar for no reason. What I fear the most is that I will have that stroke and burden my husband and 3 children. My boys (all adults) insist that they will never put me in a nursing home. I don't know if I could bear to see them bathing me and feeding me -- dressing me and lifting me. Nobody wants to see their children have to care for them in that manner. So I start hoping that if (and when) that stroke happens, I will die like my mother--immediately and painlessly. I don't have a death wish. I have 3-1/2 gorgeous grandchildren and I want to see them grow up, get married and have children. But I still wish to die like my grandfather -- go to bed at night and not wake up in the morning.

Maybe someday there will be a way to stop strokes from happening. Your mom had a fear which became a reality. I have that same fear. I give you so much credit for your strength to care for her. If she is aware of her surroundings, she is not happy. She does not want you to see her like this. I don't want my kids to see me like that. But I did it with my grandmother and would have done it to my mother (if she had only lived). And I would have been thanking God everyday for each extra moment I had them in my life. But facing that reality, I know that I won't want my kids to see me as an invalid so I can only believe that your mother feels the same way. You are blessed yet cursed at the same time.

I wish you courage and strength. Bless you and your sisters for being the best children a parent could ever ask to have.

21. about 1 year ago annos wrote:

Jane,

22. about 1 year ago annos wrote:

Jane,

23. about 1 year ago annos wrote:

Jane,

24. about 1 year ago ttom1974 wrote:

Dear Ms. Seymour...I have been a fan of yours since the DQMW days and even had the privilege of meeting you once. I'm sorry about your mom and, I guess, you're doing what you think is right. My family and I had to deal with my mom's stroke, nursing home experience, and eventual death at 83 over ten years ago. Since there were 5 brothers (one lived out fo the country), and since I lived with my mom since my divorce, it was mostly left up to my one younger sister and me, to care for her. After her stroke, she recovered enough to have her come back home. My sister came from 60 miles away every day and tended to her while I worked. In the evening, I took care of her. It was hard on my sister since she had a young son, but we managed. Then, mom fell and broke her hip. We knew then that it was going to be much harder to care for her. She came through the surgery fine, but unfortunately, she had another stroke while recovering, and when Medicare said she was ready to leave the hospital, my sister and I were at our wit's end as to what to do. One of my brothers offered to pay for someone to come into the home to take care of her, but we could not find anyone suitable; private nursing was much too expensive. Our only alternative was a nursing rehabilitation center, which Medicare covered. They made it sound like it would only be a temporary place, just until she could walk again. We visited her every day and only a few days later mom became completely bedridden and didn't talk or eat, or anything. I angrily asked them what they had given her (although they denied it, I know they gave her some kind of sedative because that was no longer my mom). Within another two days , her condition was so bad that she was put back in the hospital. We told the doctor to keep her comfortable, but not to go to extraordinary means to keep her alive, that is, we did not want to have her tube-fed, etc. So, she was on IVs and all her children came and stayed with her, so that at least one of us was with her every day. She lived only three days in the hospital and died peacerfully. The nursing home had the nerve to call and tell us that we needed to reserve her room there and pay for it for as many days as it would be before the hospital released her again. I cursed that so-called rehabilitation center (it was actually a nursing home) then and many times since and it took over a year for my sister to quit feeling guilty for allowing mom to be put in there, even for a little while. If we had to do it all over again, I would have taken a leave of absence from work and tended to her at home, no matter how long it took. It certainly couldn't have been worse than that nursing home. And, although we visited her every day, both at the home and at the hospital, at least she would have been around the family and place she loved. Mom came from the old country where they did not believe in putting old people away. Rather, they cared for them the best they could, and I know she never wanted to be put in a nursing home. As for me, I am getting older, too, and know that the time may come when I need special care, too. Since I saw the guilt mom's condition left my sister and me with, I have told my sister that should she be faced with similar situations concerning me, not to try to do it herself. I would never want to be a burden on her or my other siblings and would prefer a nursing home over being totally dependent on them. I have been too close to death too many times to worry about where I am when it happens. If I were to be completely honest, all I would say that if I would have had the money, my mom would never have spent a single minute in a nursing home, no matter how great it was supposed to be, for the one my mom was put in was supposed to be one of the best.

25. about 1 year ago romanticman42 wrote:

Dear Jane:
What a great idea to have all your moms friends come and see her while she is alive and can see all the caring people she has in her life. I am sure that makes her feel better even though her body is failling her she can still appreciate in her mind how many people she has affected in life and how many people are there thinking about her.
I know when my Dad was dying of cancer he always seemed to perk up when people would come in and see him especially friends he had not seen in several months. Even when we would come to see him my daughter was 3 at the time she would color him a picture and leave it with him he would smile very big and you could see the joy in his eyes. What you are doing takes a lot and takes a lot out of you as well. My heart and prayers are with you, your mom and family at this trying time I wish you and your family well.
Jim

26. about 1 year ago scubashari wrote:

Jane, My Mom had the same fears about a nursing home. Due to many turns in her health, assisted living and family member support, daily aide support was not enough. She entered a nursing home 6 months ago. She is very content there, admitting she knows this is her "last home." She said she feels safe and well cared for. Her attitude the first month was angry, fearful and resentlful. One day a young nursing assistant told her that her attitude needed to change if she wanted the care she needed and deserved. People avoided her room if possible. She had a turn around and is now loving to all. Two of my siblings who live nearby visit frequently, and the three of us in Arizona, Michigan and Florida come every few months. It has turned into a blessing and not the dreaded place she feared.
Best of luck with your Mum. Shari in Florida

27. about 1 year ago PowSharon wrote:

So many people have already left comments, I feel like I don't have anything left to contribute. But, (there's always a "but" isn't there?) I helped my mom to care for my grandmother at home for as long as possible. She was suffering from Altzheimers, before it had the name. I was still single, so I moved in with her. Since I was working, Mom stopped by every morning, to make sure she had some breakfast and took her pills. Meals on Wheels delivered lunch to her every weekday, so that was someone else to come in the door and make sure she was OK. I was usually there in the evenings to see she had her supper and got to bed. It wasn't always easy to get her to bed because, "This isn't my bedroom. It LOOKS like my bedroom, but my real bedroom is downstairs!" Since it was a 1-story, 3 bedroom house, this wasn't possible but you couldn't argue with her. Unfortunately, she fell and broke her hip, and had to be moved to a nursing home from the hospital. Her health declined, she had to be re-admitted to the hospital and passed away.

But, my mom gave me a great gift. We were talking one day, and the subject of Grandma came up. I'm sure she was remembering what we'd both been thru caring for her. She told me, "When the time comes, you just do what you have to do, and don't feel guilty about it!" What kind of gift was that? Peace of mind is a wonderful gift. Luckily, Mom is 82, in pretty good health for her age, and her mind is still as sharp as ever! I'm sure, after seeing her mom's mental decline, that her greatest fear is losing her grasp on reality! That's what made her gift even more special!

Don't feel guilty about what you and your family have done. It sounds like your mom is happy, and being well cared for, and that is the most important thing. Just cherish the time you have left together, and share your love (with mom and all the rest of your family!)

Sharon

28. about 1 year ago Valley wrote:

Jane and all...It's hard to care for parents who live far away, isn't it? My mother has lived happily in the same retirement home for 17 years. Now that she's 96 and declining mentally, they put her in a different unit, and it seems to her that she's in a whole different place! Her hall neighbors are gone and she eats in a different dining room. I live in Alaska, thousands of miles away. My brother calls on her daily, but only when he's in town. I call her on the phone, but she doesn't remember that I did, or that I traveled to see her in January. She's always been happy at that home, and that's a blessing. But she's legally blind now, and can't figure out how to turn on the tv or radio. She says, "I just sit, and sit, and sit."

Seeing all this has made me realize a couple of things (well, actually, lots more)--one, it's important to make new friends all through life. You're likely to outlive lots of them. And the other, it's important to be flexible. Have more than one hobby. If you only knit and you lose your sight, what do you do? Learn to like lots of kinds of food. Be willing to try out indoor bowling or card games or listen to different kinds of music. You never know what will happen.

29. about 1 year ago sdaguio wrote:

Hi Jane ... I work with the elderly on a regular basis. I feel very blessed quite often just to have the privilege to do so . They have so much wisdom to offer us and sometimes we forget that. Unfortunately my mom passed away at age 49 so I really didn't have the opportunity to enjoy her company and wisdom very long. My dad is 73 now and I sit and listen and enjoy all that he has to offer. I realize one day we will all have the moments with our children and grandchildren to sit and enjoy each other. The saddest story I heard just a few weeks ago was one of my clients who is 91 this year was trying to put her papers together preparing for the end of her life and she made this comment " I have outlived anyone that I would be able to leave my life belongings and assets to so I guess I have to leave them to someone I'll never meet". It broke my heart to hear that!! I guess If you live a long life and have no one to share it with... how great can that be. Enjoy your family always!!

30. about 1 year ago FLEURETTA wrote:

Dear Jane
I know what it is like having a sick parent my dad has lung cancer he had the surgery this feb of 07 he is home is doing well his hunger is stronger every day he is taking walks and doing usual stuff that he did before.

31. about 1 year ago sagebrusharts wrote:

Dear Jane,

I am very touched by your story of your mother's illness and subsequent stroke. I moved from Redondo Beach, Calif., to Delaware in 2001 to help my mother, now 92, who had a couple of mini-strokes and now has mild dementia. My mother's fear and my own is that we might wind up in a nursing home as my grandmother did. Your mom is fortunate that you found Betty's and that she is surrounded by such a loving, caring family and friends. I have to work as well as watch over my mother. You have given me some ideas of simple things I can do, though, to make her days more pleasurable. Thank you.

You are one of my favorites, as an actress and a person -- and a dancer -- my daughter and I took ballet lessons together for years in L.A. & Torrance, Calif. "Somewhere in Time" -- at this late date, made somewhere in time -- was one of my father's favorite movies as well as mine -- and I am still mourning the cancellation of Dr. Quinn. Nevertheless, I am glad to find your blog at Eons and to find a place where I can keep up with your current endeavors.

Sincerely,
Carol Child
(sagebrusharts@comcast.net)

32. about 1 year ago ATXcounselor wrote:

Dear Jane,
I too know the feelings of helplessness and confusion that can be so present when a parent is facing a struggle. My father is a diabetic and has had more health problems than anyone should have to endure. About a year ago he was having up to 12 strokes a day. It was so difficult to watch the man who is the foundation of who I am struggle just to articulate his feelings and needs. I learned a valuable lesson from the experiences I have had...the best thing you can do is to follow their expamples...and love them where they are in their journey. As we grew up and tried our best to find our place in this crazy world, our parents loved us where we were in our journey, no exceptions or conditions...just accaptence and love. That is what I try to give my father. I know the father I was raised loving may not appear the same, but he is still my father...and this is where he is on his juorney...and I'll love him just the way he is, because he would do the same for me.
When things in his life began to get tough he would always say "it's no hill for a stepper": meaning as long as he just kept "stepping" he could get through any trials...and in these words I have found great comfort. I just keep stepping, and know that God is in control of all of this, and I am not expected to understand it...just keep stepping.
Your mother is lucky to have three daughters who love her so much, you are doing the very best for her just by continuing to show her that love whenever you can.
I admire your strength and courage...keep stepping.