After a 2 week stay in the hospital, it is clear that I have used all my "get out of jail free" cards. Further, if I want to live life without a ventilator, I cannot smoke ever again. I had been trying to quit, knowing I needed to. I have COPD and have gotten to the point that going almost anywhere required a scooter or a very short walk.

So today is one of those really tough days when all I want to do is take off the oxygen and have a cigarette. My significant other(SO) is off with his child and I am sitting at home before I go over to my son's house for the playoff game tonight. I'm alone, no one would know. But we all know that even one puff can lead you back down the road. I've tried being a part-time smoker. Every time I quit in the past, that's how I found my way back, by making deals with the devil about just one puff, then a couple of puffs twice a day. Then it was a couple of cigarettes a day. Then soon, I'd be back to a pack and 1/2 each day, chain smoking at the end of the day. So hyped up on the nicotine, I couldn't sleep.

I know that if I lived alone, I would pick up a cigarette and smoke today. My SO is a recovering alcoholic. He's been dry for 5 years. When he quit, he was alone. Mostly because he had destroyed his life and alienated everyone while he was drinking. But I can't imagine how he quit while alone. I'm not a weak woman by any stretch of the imagination. But today, all I want is to crawl into someone's arms and be held. I don't remember feeling so fragile the other times I quit. Perhaps it was because I still figured I had one more ace, one more deal. My deals are all gone.