I sat on my butt all day today, recovering from "cleaning the house and entertaining The Aunts" (four of my late father's sisters). They came by to get my mother's signatures on legal papers concerning some family property. The oldest Aunt is 87. It really bothered me looking at her in comparison to my mother who, at 84, is suffering from dementia secondary to a major stroke, in addition to other debilitating physical ailments. The Aunts were all laughing and joking. But I was focused on my mother as she tried to keep up with them. I felt myself straining in her direction, as if I could help her--will her--to feel, be like the woman she used to be.
My mom and I used to be like best friends. No matter where I was all around the country, I called her every other day. When I was in town, we shopped and went to lunch, really having a good time, just the two of us. Once when my parents were visiting me in Manhattan, Mom and I went to Bloomingdale's and we bought her a full-length mink coat in ten minutes flat! Now, it is an emotional and physical strain to have a complete conversation with her. As my BFF BadLady404 says, I now have a child on my hands. (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BFF! ) Well, the problem with that is, I never had any kids, so I am operating from a position of weakness.
The Aunts only stayed a couple of hours, but as I listened from my room downstairs, I could hear her going into the kitchen. As I ran up the stairs, "Mom what are you doing? " She was trying to go from the dining room table to her bedroom down the hall. There was no reason for her to go into the kitchen which is next to the dining room. She can't maneuver the walker into the kitchen, so why did she have to get caught up with the walker, the kitchen table, the trash can, etc., which were all in her way?
Lord, Lord, that was just a peachy way to end a trying day. After I got her into bed, turned on the television LOUD (she is also going deaf), I collapsed on the couch downstairs in the family room to rest and also watch television. Of course, I got NO sleep, getting up every two hours, checking on her, making sure she was warm enough and didn't need anything. I really love my Mom, but BadLady404 keeps kicking my butt to do more for myself, or else when Mom is gone, I will be all alone and have no life.
Posting this blog is my first step to get myself off the couch--I actually feel better already. Depression is not something I can continue to wallow in! I'm not dead yet!
posted by Pattie51
Pattie51
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posted by badlady404
My own mother, formerly a high-functioning woman, is 81 and suffering from moderate Alzheimer's disease. My father, 88, still has good cognitive functioning, but is so physically fragile that he can barely move or be moved. It just breaks my heart - we had to take my mother's drivers license from recently and my Dad can no longer fix things in the house anymore - this man made all of our furniture with his own hands except for the sofa. I was grown before I realized that other people bought their tables, chests, and bookcases! Of all the stressors in my life, seeing my parents like this is the worse.
Fortunately, unlike DivaBird, I am the oldest of 6 children, 5 of whom live near my parents. I currently live 750 miles away from them but I handle much of their business via phone, fax, or internet. Unfortunately, only one of my sisters, one of my brothers, and I bear the brunt of care for my parents. My brother lives with them and does all of their driving. He also makes sure that my parents are reasonably safe in their home - God forbid if they lived alone, with the people out there who prey on the elderly. Most of my parents' banking and bills are handled by my sister, along with overseeing their medical care. I used to be more involved but my issues with systemic lupus have caused me to spend a lot of time in and out of the hospital. I haven't been able to make the trip to see them for the past 3 years.
It is us "Baby Boomers" who are sandwiched between our parents and our children. Although I can't say that mine suffer from "failure to launch", both are still here with me right now because of my illness. DivaBird and I are supposed to doing the "Golden Girls" thing in Tuscany but we both have responsiblities that cannot be ignored. Although it would be nice to be sipping wine on the terrazzo of our friend's villa, I don't know what I would do without my parents. At 57, I still need their advice on issues that I have yet to experience. Putting them in a home is absolutely not an option - my mother and her sisters took care of my grandmother until she died in her mid-90s. And who can care for our parents better than we can?
So, God Bless every person who is holding it down for the people who gave them life!
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posted by StillExciting
Girl it ain't easy. I am in the same boat. I have mom and Dad. Both are in their eighty's. Mom has Alzheimers and Dad has diabeties. I know and understand very well what you are going through. Some times it is so hard not to just stand in the middle of the floor and just scream. I pray every day sometimes three or four times a day just for God to give me strenght to move and do what I need to do. I love both of my parents but I feel I've gotten old jist by taking care of them. I don't go out and there is no one special in my life so why get dressed up? Why keep my hair done. Most of my time is spent running up and down the stairs doing something for them, cleaning or washing. I to have to push myself to love me. It is not easy, but I am glad you wrote the blog. Maybe we can share in our ups and downs. Keep your head up and I will do the same.
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