if you want to change your behavior, you want to change your mind – and that means choosing the language that accompanies you on the journey and that powers you up to get where you want to go – or keeps you grounded on the threshold looking in.
The What:
On the first day of New You, my true self gave to me- not a partridge or a pear tree but…
a new way to harness the power of you, the power of your mind and heart – the gift of the language of desire, the language of opportunity, the language of mastery.
You are going to learn how to trash what I call the languages of despair, oppression, and misery. So if you are ready for this gift – no strings attached – as a way to frame your solutions and achieve your solution-based goals – as opposed to recycling re-solutions for next year, read on….
You are going to give yourself the ability to choose your language to create your reality, to turn your dreams into actions.
First thing, I want to normalize why we – and I mean me too, and I teach this stuff – talk to ourselves in negative ways especially when the going gets tough – which is when we really need – make that we really WANT – to pull out the language of desire to get us out or back up and moving forward toward our dreams.
The Why It Is Not as Easy as ‘Just Do-ing It!’
It is human nature to beat ourselves up for those things that we did not do, for the resolutions on which we did not get adequate traction to complete- to lose sleep bathing our brains and nervous system in language of regret and despair as we lament the resolutions that we did not even start.
I tell you this because I believe it is important to lighten up on ourselves and that understanding human nature enables us to laugh at our natural instincts that are based on defending our lives and our species in a world where the brain was not so well-developed.
In fact, when we regress to defensive mode, and that includes beating ourselves up with negative self talk (and hurling it at others when we feel at our all-time lows), we essentially eliminate access to the front part of the brain that separates us from furrier versions of our species and from the primitive concrete reasoning of young children (this front part of the brain does not kick in until around age 13 and recent research suggests that it is not fully or adequately developed until age 30…). The front part of the brain enables us to consider alternate points of view, to reframe the world in a lens that is half-full, to colabor with those who are different from us, to see the world through the eyes of those who hold different views whether they are related to religion, nationality, gender or other divisive perceptions of difference.
This front part of the brain enables us to override the natural instinct to look for the half-empty to ensure survival. Putting its abstract reasoning into play enables us to move out of defensive playing-not-to-lose inertia, that stance that keeps us stuck standing at the threshold gazing wistfully and wishfully at our dreams. And it enables us to talk ourselves into leaping over the threshold and playing-to-win as we create powerful positive visions and put those into play to live our dreams- and enact the solutions and recycled solutions that become our re-solutions year after year.
(Stay tuned- the powerful vision thing is another gift you will have the opportunity to gift to yourself –and others- on this twelve-day adventure!)
Yes, negative self-talk, what I call ‘trashtalk’ in Winner’s Way Coaching*, is normal and it’s curable. It’s that instinct I have written about before- the human nature to look for the half-empty, for that which is DIFFERENT based on an assumption that differences can be deadly. This is the instinct that enabled furrier versions of our ancestors to sniff out plants that could be toxic, to spot and bear fangs in fierce facial contortions to scare off any two-legged creature who looked or smelled different who could be out to steal your turf or your cave or your offspring – or your life (much in the same way we see people in business today defend their point of view with barbed words and looks that could kill, regressing to competitive modes in worlds where collaboration is critical to survival and life itself…- more on recognizing and overriding that instinct that enables us to shoot ourselves in both feet on another one of the twelve days…).
So how do you change it?
The How to: The Winner’s Way System to ‘REALLY DO IT!’*
TRASHIT AND PACKIT!TM* - a one-step, two-part Winner’s Way coaching strategy to change your mind to change your life.
TRASHIT AND PACKIT!TM – letting go of the trash and choosing what you take.
TRASHIT!TM: First you let go of the self-talk that you want to ditch.
(Yes, there are three words in this concept –
‘trash’- the active process of ridding yourself of the words that are keeping you from putting solutions and resolutions into action;
‘it’ – the garbage, the stuff you want to get rid of;
and a third word that describes the nasty nature of this weighty language - the ‘poop’ so to speak that has been weighing you down and making you feel bad…)
PACKIT!TM Then you insert the thoughts that will enable you to turn your visions into reality, into the life you want so that same time next year we are celebrating those solutions and creating even more – no more RE-solutions. It is really that simple – and it works, that is, if you want to make it work for you.
(Yes, there are three words here too-
‘pack’- the active process of inserting the language you want on your journey of life;
‘kit’- your bag you want to bring – you choose the shape, color, logo and scent…;
‘it’- the contents you want to take – poop-free so to speak.)
It’s all about what’s in the bag hanging over our heads- and whether it is heavy and dark and odiferous and weighs our shoulders down or it is light and airy with aromatherapy that picks us up off the couch and gets us reaching out and leaping into our dreams.
Picture a large plastic garbage bag on top of your head- like the thought balloons that hover over the heads of our favorite comic book characters such as Archie or Veronica (and if you are here with me on Eons, you will know who I mean when I throw those images out there…). Each day, we fill our thought balloons with the ‘woulda, coulda, shoulda’ done this or done that or done this in this way or done that in that way.
In my Winner’s Way system, I call this ‘trashtalk’- the language of despair versus desire, the language of oppression versus opportunity, the language of dis-couragement versus encouragement. That’s the half-empty survival stance that worked for our furrier ancestors but it won’t work for us.
Trashtalk - it’s demotivating - it won’t get you where you want to go, to the solutions or resolution that will change your life- this year or last year or the year after that. Because no matter what the words are that we use to fill in the blanks, all of this ‘woulda, coulda, shoulda, if only, and yabut’ stuff is garbage thought. It’s a circular beat-yourself-up critique that won’t help you.
This trash-talk doesn’t enable us to do what we wished. This garbage talk doesn’t help us to change our behaviors or the beliefs that underlie the behaviors that we’re trying to ditch. In fact, it works to an opposite end. We are visual creatures. The words we use – the words we CHOOSE – create images that our nervous system responds to as if the images are real. With trash talk, that means that the images make us feel bad, take our hearts out of the game (dis-couraged comes from the word ‘coeur’ for heart), and can take the wind out of our sails.
(PS on one of the twelve days of New Year New You, I will teach you why this works- visualization- and how to turn negative visualizations around to get your heart and mojo and wind back. For now, let’s focus on your words and trashing the trashtalk.)
‘REALLY DO IT!’ – the ball’s in your court daily play (also known as exercise)
Now, just as the human brain can not sing two songs at the same time- remember this the next time you can’t get a song out of your head- simply choose another tune that you want to hear- we can’t beat ourselves up with trash-talk and also inspire ourselves to make the changes to start, implement and gain traction with our solutions and resolutions.
TRASHIT. Let it go. Each time you hear yourself using negative talk, creating negative images of discouragement, of disbelief, trash that balloon. Breathe in deeply and as you breathe out, picture yourself letting that balloon go up into thin air. TRASHIT- gone- believe me, nobody wants our trash, not even recyclers. Picture the trash balloon as one of grimness and darkness, a heavy burden that weighs you down. And now, it’s gone.
Then PACKIT- replace the trash with another balloon filled with the language of mastery, the language of opportunity and desire. Breathe deeply again, feel the inspiration of respiration- PACKIT. Picture your PACKIT as a personalized case- choose its color, its logo (Mine is PINK with a two logoes – PMB for Pamela Mary Brill – and ITZ – for In The Zone – which is where I want to live. What colors do you choose, what logoes or mantras or rallying cries adorn your PACKIT?) Fill it with the language of desire and mastery and opportunity.
Below is a menu of the language of despair and misery- the stuff to TRASH – on the left. On the right is the menu of the language of desire and mastery – the stuff to PACK.
Now here is the REALLY DO IT! DAILY CHALLENGE:
Each time you hear your self use one of the menu items from the TRASH list, replace it with the words from the PACKIT mastery side.
That’s it. Trash the misery. Pack the mastery.
TRASH THIS
Depression Desire and Passion
I/we/you have to I/we/you want to
PACK THIS
Controlled Purposeful
Should Will
Can’t I can do this…
TRASH THIS
Mustery -
I/we/you must...; must not
(Albert Ellis, an elder in psychology and one of the founding fathers of cognitive psychology, calls this 'musterbation'...it's a bad thing that makes you unhappy...)
PACK THIS
Mastery
I/we/you want to; can; choose to...
PACK THIS
can
choose to…
TRASH THIS
need…
PACK THIS
want…
TRASH THIS
Don’t, Doesn’t
PACK THIS
Do, Does
TRASH THIS
Regret and Oppression
Woulda, coulda, shoulda
PACK THIS
Relish and Opportunity
Next time I will…
TRASH THIS
Self- and other-deprecating
“I’m not the kind of person who…”
“They, you aren’t the kind of people..”
PACK THIS
Self- and other-developing
“I/we/she/he/they have done…
so I/we/she/he/they can do…”
“They’ve done… so they can…”
TRASH THIS
Doubt Belief
I/we/they/he/she could never ...
PACK THIS
I/we/they/she/he are capable of...
Here is how it looks in the morning:
If I tell myself ‘I have to get up at 5 to get a workout in before my meeting,’ I TRASH that and reframe it, I PACK it as:
‘I want to leap from bed to get to the gym so I can build my heart and brain and bones to get longer miles of high-test quality.’ With that image, my ‘just do it’ shoes are on to “REALLY DO IT!”
Now you REALLY DO IT! – and follow-through. Here is one additional tip to make this stick.
In concert, Bruce Springsteen tells a story about going to a fortune teller. She asks him what is his line of work- what does he do? He explains that he is a musician- a young musician with a lot of talent. Wisely, she proclaims- “you need a band.” And so, some thirty years later, I just took my daughters, on multiple occasions to see BRUCE and that miraculous E Street Band- the same band that has enabled him to get it done and relish the journey with ups and downs for decades.
Research suggests that we do better with a band of sisters and brothers- that we are happiest and follow through more in the company of others
You WANT a band. Plus you can change your band members’ lives just like Bruce did for Clarence and Patti (though she may have had a more positive influence over Bruce and his music and lifestyle) and Max and et.al.
You can give your band members the gift that keeps on giving.
Enlist a team mate- a friend, significant other, colleague, an adult child- let them in on the two-bag concept and hold each other accountable.
Catch each other and yourself using the language of mastery and observe how it impacts your energy and enthusiasm, your confidence and your motivation.
Do the dance and sing the songs of celebration as you catch each other singing the language of flights of fancy.
Then follow-through. Let me know how it went. Email me with your tales of changing your life by changing your language. And tune in tomorrow for the next step- beyond Re-solutions to Solutions for Life!!!
Looking forward with gratitude for the life that I have created and with forgiveness for beating myself up this year in those moments of regression to the twilight of the trash zone…,
Pam.
* TRASHIT AND PACKIT!TM and “REALLY DO IT!” along with the menu are concepts published in The Winner’s Way: A Proven Method for Achieving Your Personal Best in Any Situation (McGraw-Hill, 2004) – available at:
view link
Come and play more with these concepts with food-for-thought for your brain at:
www.inthezoneinc.com
