A little over a month ago my marriage ended. I lost, not just a spouse, but in-laws including parents, brothers and sisters, and nieces and nephews and three step-children. Even my biological son does not understand and, at least for now, is not talking to me, so I feel as if I have lost my son as well. My father, sister, and brother are also keeping their distance. Because I was, in effect, abandoned far away from where we lived, even most of my friends are far away and unsure of what is happening. In this past month I have made new friends but they have others for whom they focused their gratitude on this Thanksgiving, and I was not among those others. I found myself feeling that perhaps not a soul in the world was grateful that I am here and part of their lives. I cried a lot yesterday out of loneliness, grief, and yes, even some despair and self-pity.
It wasn't until last night with a simple word used by someone else in another context, that I realized I have been looking at things very much backwards this Thanksgiving. The word was "insular". When I heard it used in a conversation about something else, it tore at the fabric of my soul and ripped it open for me to see that I had been looking inward and gratitude is about looking outward.
Who is grateful that I am here is not what gratitude or Thanksgiving is all about. Even if it were true that no one feels grateful for me being here and being a part of their lives (which it probably is NOT true), that is not what gratitude is about. Gratitude comes from the same roots in the Greek origins of that word as the word 'grace'. In Spanish, that is the word for thank you-- 'gracias' "graces". Those who speak that language have it absolutely right. Whenever I say "thank-you" I am offering grace to others, an unconditional gift of love. I am saying that I am grateful for them just because they exist, regardless of where they have been or what they have done in their lives. Grace is a gift of myself and my love that I give to others, not something I expect to or try to receive. Then it is no longer grace, but expectation born out of human need.
Gratitude is grace that I give to others just because they are alive and regardless of whether I receive any at all. Gratitude is an attitude that looks outward at the world and says, "what can I give to someone else today that will show them love and acceptance?" I was "insular" in that I was looking for others to be grateful for me rather than sharing my "grace" with others!
The word Thanksgiving has the word 'giving' in it! That means outward extension of myself, my thanks, my love, my grace to all those around me. It's a day about giving and the "receiving" comes in the giving! I needed to learn this lesson yesterday, to have my eyes opened so that I could see how truly "insular" I had become. Graces to my friend who used that word, you made me see clearly again; graces to my son whom I love and will always love; graces to my father, sister, and brother as the sit at the table together somewhere, my biological family whom I'll always love; graces to my ex and his family, all of them gave so much to me and I will love them no matter what they think or what has happened; graces to all my friends back in Illinois - they have graced my life with their presence and support and I will always grace them with my love; graces to my new family here in Ensenada, Mamita, Hiko, Connie, Armando and all the rest -- they have shown me the true meaning of grace; my love will always be theirs; graces to my new friends here for taking me under their wings and supporting me through the grieving process when they hardly know me, certainly they are God's grace to me -- I am most blessed because of all of them; and to my best friend Triana graces beyond measure for being alive and blessing me with her love and friendship!!!
I am indeed enjoying an abundance of grace. I may not be having turkey with all the trimmings today, but I am overflowing with gratitude, with "graces". That, I am discovering, is what truly makes a Happy Thanksgiving!!!
