Chapter 9
Bargaining

Yesterday was a day of ignoring mirrors. Some days I see myself as fat, ugly and old. Today I made the effort to be beautiful and all I can do is hope. So much of my daily attitude now has to do with the clothes and makeup I wear or don't wear. So many of my beliefs of myself have to do with how I believe I look. If I see ugly then I feel ugly all day long.
Today I'm choosing to believe that I am beautiful inside and outside. All day long.
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There is one spectacle grander then the sea,
that is the sky.
There is one spectacle grander then the sky,
and that is the interior of the soul.
Victor Hugo

My anger subsided and the next phase of recovery from an affair started. I was convinced that I was not attractive to my husband. It’s not a difficult conclusion to come to when she was everything I wasn’t. She was tall, I was short. She had long dark hair, I had short blonde hair. She was young, I was middle aged. She wore lots of make up and I was much more natural. She was noisy during sex; I was quiet compared to her. I didn’t’ know where to start, but I kept thinking, “There’s no way I can compete with a woman 24 years younger than myself. But hey, I’ll give it my best.” I started walking more and faster. I got up to 200 crunches a day. I ate less, which wasn’t hard since I had lost my appetite. I bought sexy underwear and slept naked. I made sure lack of sex wasn’t an issue. My belief was that if I was different then Michael would be satisfied, and if he was satisfied then he wouldn’t stray. I was bargaining. I’ll give you this if you give me that. What I had bargained away was my self esteem and worth. I was utterly demolished inside. My foundation was gone. Whatever I had believed was true about myself, my accomplishments, my character, my personality, and my value as a person went out the window when I found out Michael desired another woman. I felt as though I didn’t measure up.
I began to realize that there was no way possible to change myself so much. I believed I couldn’t pay in as much as I assumed Michael wanted. The cost of this bargain was too high. I brought the issue up with my husband. I told him that I had lost every place of comfort in our relationship. I couldn’t relax because I believed he was comparing me with her and there was no possible way for me to compete. I wanted him to tell me that I was the best, and that I was a much more desirable woman than she was to him. I wanted Michael to prove to me that I won the contest. But I didn’t want to win the contest because I had given myself away to be more like her. Michael assured me that I was who he wanted, but it didn’t work. I was just an empty shell. Completely unhappy with who I was and no one could fix me. So I slid into deep self hatred and self loathing. I beat myself up constantly and the end result was that somewhere inside of myself I began to die.
With my demanding request to corporate headquarters Michael was transferred to a different store in a different city. He had to commute each day from the Northern California city we lived in to another smaller community south of us. I was happy with this new work place for my husband. He would no longer be working in the same store with the other woman, and I thought this would offer me some much needed solace. It did work for awhile but eventually I realized that no matter where he worked there would always be more women and once again I was powerless over Michaels’ choices. I didn’t trust Michael to understand the process of how the affair began. I knew he hadn’t woke up one morning and decided to have sex with another woman. Somehow in someway he had made a decision to cross the line. So one evening we sat down and discussed how it all started. And it began all innocently enough.
Regardless for the reason given for an affair, most affairs seem to follow a pattern (Karpel, 1994; Spring, 1997; Vaughn, 1998). Here are four probable phases:

Phase 1-Emotional Connection: Sometimes referred to as the "getting to know you" stage. This is the innocent prelude during which an emotional connection is formed. Activities at this stage may include going for coffee breaks at work; getting to know the other person on a personal level; and sometimes providing emotional support. In almost all situations, a flirtatious spark is there! This is also the beginning of what is called triangulation (Guerin et al., 1987).

Phase Two - Secrecy: This new relationship is kept a secret. Spouses and friends are rarely told about the relationship because of the emotional attraction. Once a decision is made to keep it a secret, a boundary has been crossed and it is no longer a friendship, or collegial relationship. Fantasies about the other person are common at this point. Secrets and fantasies are very powerful and add fuel the fire! Layton-Tholl (1998) says people who keep the relationship a secret report far greater arousal, passion and obsession than with non-secret relationships.

Phase Three - The Dating Phase: Although the couple may believe they are just good friends, excuses are used to see each other. Meetings increase in frequency and they become purposeful, planned, and regular. Lunch, tennis, walks, long talks, working-out, etc. become regular activities. The couple tends to become more vigilant of comments or gestures that may draw suspicion. People close to either person might even make comments. Denial is ever present as this is "just a good friend".

Phase Four - Sex: At this point an intense sexual and emotional relationship is started. There are feelings of excitement that come with a new relationship along with feeling of guilt about the marriage. Keeping the secret becomes harder and in fact others have probably noticed "something different".

Michael would go to the deli to buy coffee. She would wait on him. He found her attractive and would ask how she was doing. This conversation developed between them because she was in a bad marriage. Michael would offer advice. This grew into visiting on their breaks and eventually would lead to them having lunch together. Michael would call home and tell me he was only taking a half an hour lunch and that he wouldn’t be coming home. He’d get off work and talk to her some more. He told me it was more like a dare. She would flirt and he would flirt in return. Finally it worked into a kiss in the parking lot after work, or a kiss during their breaks. It escalated to exchanging phone numbers, and then making the date to meet at a motel. Then he was in it. He was invested and they eventually ended up having three sexual encounters. The last time they were together she brought her 2 year old daughter to spend the night with them. Michael slept fitfully with his back to both of them. He had a moment of clarity as he laid there with them. What was he throwing away? What was he doing? Is this what he wanted? Was his ego worth taking on a new relationship with all its issues and tossing away a relationship that had been evolving for years and one that had lots of joy and contentment in it?
We cannot give ourselves away for the sake of a marriage no matter how much we love the person we are married to. But for me there was this deep struggle to do whatever it took to keep Michael with me. I was faced with a double edged sword. I was rejected for something different, and on the other hand I had to find value within myself even though this rejection took place. I decided to end my schooling and find employment because I wasn’t sure we would make it. Working helped save my life and my marriage. It gave me time to think about something else other than the affair. It also exposed me to the public and this interaction gave me meaning when I needed it the most. All was not well within me though. The impact of this trauma was felt deep inside and it whittled me away bit by bit.