Since I have found a couple of other people on Eons that also have Asperger's Syndrome, I thought I would offer this blog, especially for them and for anyone else who wishes to read it because adults with AS have gone largely undiagnosed in our society due to the subsymptoms ranging from depression to PTSD, OCD, BPD, etc., etc.

Asperger's Syndrome is at the high functioning end of autism. In other words, we are autistic. We process information differently and often have huge problems socializing. Asperger's, first of all, is NOT a "mental illness." It has to do with the physical structure of the brain. The ensuing chemical imbalances are, I believe, induced from the long term stress of just trying to communicate with the outside world.

While there is much attention now being given to children and young adults with autism, us Boomer "Aspies" have had to get by with little help and even less understanding in our environments. This has made us appear aloof, independent, rude, detached and maybe even cold. We had no guidance so we had to make our own way and through social networking have been able to find and communicate with each other.

What is it like to be autistic? Why do we behave the way we do? Why does it seem that an Asperger's person can look and act normal yet not be able to get along with or fit into the world?

First of all, autistic people have a heightened sense of physical sensations. What you can filter out unconsciously, we can't. Asperger's people can manage the painful reactions to the senses being flooded with too much, but full blown autistics can't. People with AS are half and half, but not fully either "normal" or autistic. Therefore, we continually have to integrate and translate life in two worlds. We often do this consciously.

What does it feel like? Picture this: You live in a house right on the ocean. You walk out your door and there is a raging storm, thunder crashing and booming, lightning flashing and flickering, the next door neighbor is playing heavy metal at 20 decibels and fighter planes are making low passes over you with earsplitting engines all at once. What would you do? Run back inside? Often, this is what the world feels like to an autistic person. Every little sound, flicker of light, conversation, noise and nuance of perception come in all at once. We step out the door and begin whatever method we have developed in order to cope with what is coming at us.

We are said to be geniuses. Autistic savants have extraordinary talents, but they often cannot make money or make a living with them. Asperger's savants have a better chance because they are able to talk to people. But being autistic doesn't have to do with being a genius. We overdevelop certain skills in order to compensate. Many of us are drawn to the arts and sciences because of the inherent stability in those domains; they are predictable and exhibit repeating patterns that calm us. For me, it's math and the study of number and sound, and the laws of fluid dynamics and how they relate to harmonics. This is how I interpret Truth, God, and my spirituality.

Emotions are difficult to deal with. We cannot answer abstract questions such as, "What are you feeling?" That question is nearly impossible to answer. We live in a world of absolutes, of literal meanings. The standard lingo of everyday conversation, especially with those who don't know us, is confounding and frustrating. Yes, we speak English. But we still can't communicate very well. Small talk and social chatter are just about intolerable but we learn that it is a necessary thing so we learn to tolerate it but often can't engage in it. Eye contact is difficult. We search for repeating patterns in the environment in order to fend off the conflicting messages coming at us. For me, I trace lines and search for a way to make a three dimensional representation without having a line go back over itself.

We often tire easily due to the enormous efforts to consciously maneuver through a day without the natural filters. We each have our own way. I think the worst part of Asperger's is the feeling of being alone, of not being able to get what is inside of us outside of ourselves in a way that means something to anyone but us. However, as we find each other, there is hope and the ability to relax and just be what we truly are without the need to meet the expectations of the social order around us.

Don't feel sorry for us or try to "get through." You can't. We are the ones who have to keep trying to "get through."

I hope that I have spoken for those that can't speak.