Do I act with compassion so I can feel good? Is compassion something to acquire in the name of happiness much the same way we acquire fame, recognition and reward? These are questions often thrown about during debate about human nature and compassion. Underlying the answer to these two questions are some basic assumptions about compassion, and not everyone will agree with these assumptions. Eight assumptions can be found on the website www.CompassionSpace.com and in some way they all connect to answering these questions, but here I will discuss just a few of them.

It is assumed that to be compassionate toward another is instinctual, part of our human nature. Slowly there is scientific evidence mounting gradually shifting this from an assumption to scientific knowledge. If this is true then it is likely that demonstrating compassion toward another will have similar effects as having a good meal (eating is instinctual) – it will be enjoyable. This means that, like having a good meal, there is pleasure attached with the act of compassion. This is hardwired into our brain and on this primary level pleasure could be related to a form of happiness. But, as most people know, food can be abused in the search for a way to “feel good” which can turn to addiction and away from happiness.

This search to “feel good” can happen when people are attempting to practice compassion. This happens when the desire to feel good connected to remembering past compassionate acts becomes the primary goal replacing the intent to reduce suffering. We chase after the “feel goods” instead of concentrating on sitting with suffering. If the intent to reduce suffering is placed as the primary goal then the hope, or wish, or goal, to “feel good” personally is placed in the background. Yet this does not mean that we put ourselves into extreme situations without concern for our personal well being. In fact we are more attentive to our own addictive and habitual nature, and thus to our own well being.

The idea that one can “acquire” or “grasp” compassion is simply a transference of cultural ideologies, but it leads back to the same habitual path of doing to “feel good”. This is not something that many people often clearly see. Perhaps the most persistent example is when a person just has to give you some advice: “ I think you should try…”, “Let me tell you what works best…”, or “This is the definitely way to go…” Now these are well meaning people, not out intending to harm, they just want to help – and they always just want to help. In fact they are, in a sense, habitual helpers and they may not know it. If you have run into one of these habitual helpers, then you might recognize how it feels to be on the receiving end. There is often a sense of distance, as if they are talking to someone behind you, or they are giving advice before being invited in, and they often hand out the advice quickly before gathering information about you. The habitual helper’s goal is to do the act of “helping”, and it is likely that most do not know this has become a habit and drifted away from compassion.

Another assumption about compassion is that it can be developed. The idea that you are either born with it or you are not flies directly in the face of the data suggesting compassion is innate, a part of human nature. There are some basic papers specific to this topic of personal compassion development on the above mentioned website. In these papers compassion development is connected to the following: giving compassion a voice, forgiveness, sitting with suffering, seeing the possibility of compassion development and the attitude of presence. Nowhere in these early steps of personal compassion development does it say that we should “look for the feel good”. If one clearly reflects on these beginning steps it is clear that they may require some heroic work that WILL NOT feel good, but is necessary in order to develop a stronger compassion. Giving a voice to compassion may not be easy as people shout back, but it is necessary. Sitting with suffering may not feel good, but it is necessary to learn. Forgiveness can be difficult, but it is necessary. Reaching beyond our current compassion understanding and stretching our awareness can be difficult, but it is necessary. This is not the path of chasing after “feeling good”, but often habitual helpers fall into doing such a chase as a way to find happiness.

Consider the following quote from the book “Medicine and Compassion”, by Choyki Nyima Rinpoche and David R. Shlim:

“When the doctor walks into a room with a patient, the doctor’s true attitude toward the patient will be immediately visible, regardless of the attitude that the doctor attempts to portray. Something intangible is revealed that reflects the doctor’s actual motivation or attitude.” (p. 34).

This is what I call the attitude of presence and it is present before one even begins to offer the possibility of entering a compassion space. The central focus of the attitude of presence is to offer the possibility of entering the compassion space – to open the door to compassion and then sit with whatever happens. This is clearly different then entering the room to give advice, to fix something, to give help, and hopefully “feel good” after.
The attitude of presence is fundamental to the development of compassion, but not necessary when chasing “feel goods” along the path of habitual helping. The attitude of presence is one that says “I am entering the situation to offer the possibility of compassionate care, yet willing to sit in peace with whatever transpires”. The habitual helper says (even though they may not know it) “I am going it to help, make things better, and try to fix things”. The difference is subtle yet important – one leads to happiness and the others often leads to habitual patterns distant from compassion.

If you can think of the attitude of presence as opening the door to the path from suffering to well being then it is important to learn how to practice opening that door. Opening the door is not that same as walking through it and some people are not ready because there is too much trash blocking the doorway. But through entering with the attitude of presence they may get to see this trash more clearly as you try to open the door OR they may just react and misinterpret. There is often some response to opening the door that is sometimes not easy to sit with, not pleasant. This is simply part of the path of developing compassion and has been historically connected to even the great heroes of compassion. Yet if you can hold the possibility of compassion as you open the door, hold the possibility of walking through the doorway, then sometimes people will walk past the trash with you. But if you follow the path of the habitual helper it is likely you will miss this – both the “holding” and the walking through.

Although there appear to be many uncomfortable obstacles along the early path of compassion development, and we need to let go of seeking “feel goods”, there is a deeper and more enduring happiness waiting for us. There is a glorious happiness that comes with following this path of compassion development. This is the happiness of becoming connected more deeply to our true compassionate nature. This is the happiness of walking side by side with one person through that door of compassion, past suffering and into well being. It is the happiness of sharing a unique compassion experience and of the possibility that compassion may be passed on from that point. And it is the happiness of discovering the infinite web of compassion touching every aspect of life, relationships, health, and spirituality into emptiness and on into infinity. Finally, it is the happiness of having the opportunity to sit in that sacred compassion space with another – regardless of outcome. This is a deep sacred happiness that compares to nothing the material world can offer.

More will be written on this topic in a paper on www.CompassionSpace.com