The Attitude of Presence: The Third Step of Personal Compassion Development
This topic speaks to the intangible sense of connection between people that opens the door to wellbeing. There is more information about this on the website www.CompassionSpace.com.
After decades of research on gifted healers and mystics, combined with personal experience, it seems that there is some universal characteristic that can be called presence. Presence can be thought of as charisma, or spiritual light, or healing touch, or intense peace, or “something just moved inside me when I met him” or even “I really felt a connection”. It is something that is definitely felt, experienced, by people who meet these heroic compassionate souls. It is also talked about when people describe (or write about) their meeting with this person. Presence is also experienced by the deeply compassionate person. It is an attitude, a state of being, a way of being ready, or open, to sharing the compassion space with others, and it has unique characteristics unmistakably experienced by the deeply compassionate person. The attitude of presence is to be considered the doorway to the compassion space.
Review of the Fundamentals – Providing the Links
Before jumping into a discussion about the attitude of presence it might help to look over the basic fundamentals of personally developing compassion. The basic fundamentals of personal compassion development include the following: 1) providing a voice for compassion development, 2) practicing forgiveness, 3) learning how to sit with suffering, 4) understanding that our view of the possibility for compassion, and the depth of compassion, is linked to our understanding of compassion at that moment, and 5) awareness of the possibility of compassion at any moment is an important part of being ready to offer compassion at any moment. Each of these fundamentals is linked to the attitude of presence.
Let us consider the most basic form of presence to begin with – that is the sense of connection. I am hopeful that most readers will be able to relate to this idea that occasionally (maybe rarely) we meet people with whom we feel a sense of peaceful, and/or trusting, connection. Maybe we met a doctor, or nurse, after which we found ourselves thinking about how easy it was to talk to them and how really nice they seemed. Maybe we met someone and for no sensible reason we just felt comfortable in sharing intimate life details and might have said “I don’t know why I am telling you all this”. Putting aside for the moment that all feelings of connection like this are not necessarily identical, let us assume that there is enough similarity to use this trusting connection as a starting point for looking at the attitude of presence. Let’s also say that there is mutuality in this experience – BOTH people feel that sense of a peaceful, trusting, connection. And finally let’s add that this mutual experience carries with it the intent of wellbeing. Understand that it is present BEFORE we starting sharing the intimate details of our lives. It is there as intent, as an attitude of presence. With this foundational definition we can move to looking at the links between the fundamental concepts of compassion and the attitude of presence.
The very first problem that is often faced is that when this “connection” is experienced there are a good portion of people who do not understand how it is related to compassion. It my experience about 66% of the population misinterprets what is happening. This is the main reason why compassion needs a voice. The problem becomes further magnified at deeper levels of compassion development where the attitude of presence intensifies. The misunderstanding is easily understood because it is supported by a lack of compassion knowledge – but this is something very few people like to admit because admitting it seems to equate to low self worth. But saying that you can’t build the Space Shuttle doesn’t equate to low self worth. Yet they are founded on the same thing. If we can increase the voice of compassion then perhaps we can decrease the misunderstandings connected to the attitude of presence. This might then allow the attitude of presence to be understood more frequently and thus increase compassion (since attitude of presence is the doorway to compassion).
The link between the attitude of presence and forgiveness is a bit more obvious. When we hold hate, anger, hurt inside and don’t forgive others or ourselves then that WILL block (at some moment) the attitude of presence from happening. Absence of forgiveness will block the connection from occurring and even worse it can turn the connection into a scary, frightening experience. This is because the attitude of presence is about walking the path toward well being. It is opening the door to a shared compassionate experience and shining a light on what is beyond the open door. Sometimes, when there is a forgiveness problem and then the attitude of presence is offered, what is first seen (felt, experienced) is that forgiveness problem. It is the wall, the barrier between, and then the anger projected.
Another characteristic of the attitude of presence is that it illuminates the sources of suffering. This is a part of its true nature as a doorway to compassion. Compassion is about the relief of suffering. If you have not learned how to sit, even for a moment, with suffering, then when confronted with the attitude of presence, and the doorway is opened, you are likely to feel a conflict of emotions. You may feel drawn into the comfort yet also feel like running away. This is why sitting with suffering is linked to attitude of presence. The more we learn about sitting with suffering, our own and others, the more we can sit with the attitude of presence and hold that doorway open to any possibility.
Linking possibility (also called possibility of compassion) to the attitude of presence is in some ways so much common sense, but in others ways more complex. Since the attitude of presence is the doorway to compassion then if you think that at any moment compassion is NOT possible then the doorway simply is not there. That seems like common sense. But possibility also includes the possibility of something being revealed that would help you develop your compassion, and thus also your attitude of presence, beyond where it is currently. Remember one of the characteristics of the attitude of presence is mutuality. This means that there is the possibility that BOTH people can develop as one walks through that door of presence. Holding the possibility of growth, development, or insight is part of the attitude of presence because such things are often linked to the reduction of suffering.
Awareness of the possibility of compassion starts with awareness of the attitude of presence in relation to compassion. If we can maintain an awareness of the door to compassion, be aware that is (or is not) present, then that helps us to become more fully aware of when the possibility for compassion may occur. This applies to compassion for ourselves, compassion for others, and further on in development to living as a compassionate being. This learning about the awareness of the attitude of presence is one of the more difficult aspects of personal compassion development, but also one of the most rewarding.
Beyond the Fundamentals – Looking at Expanding the Attitude of Presence
Returning to the basic definition of compassion as a combination of empathy and wisdom, AND that people develop differently along both (empathy, wisdom), then the door to compassion should also fit into this definition. But here is where it gets a bit complex, because the door held open to some possible experience, although connected to that experience, is not exactly the same as that experience. This is the nature of the attitude of presence. In addition the nature of the door being held open, or you could think of it as how wide the door is opened, depends on the dynamics of that moment. Do you throw the door wide open to fully show the experience or do you gradually, slowly, open it to reveal what can be managed at that moment? A person with well developed attitude of presence can match the opening of the door to fit the moment (up to his/her maximum level of compassion development). When this match happens then the best possible path of compassion is revealed behind the door – which is not the same as walking through the door. That is a different process.
Further discussions dealing with looking at expanding the attitude of presence will be made available on www.CompassionSpace.com
