These following steps are simple easy things we can all learn to practice. What is great about these steps is that they really do work! They will improve your relationships.

1) The very first step – be aware of how you walk around and present yourself to others. Do you walk head up, or are you always looking down? Do you smile, or is there none? Are you always in a hurry to get somewhere, or do you take the time to notice other people? Do you great people in a friendly manner or are you distant and formal? First appearances do make a difference – become aware of your body language.

2) Say thank you but be specific “Thank you for …..”

3) If you see something done well give a compliment (again be specific and sincere). If someone looks especially nice (new hair look, great outfit), then give a compliment. Caution, this can be misinterpreted so you may start with “Is it alright if I give you a compliment?”

4) When you first meet someone spend some time asking them about their lives. Then remember this for the next time you meet, and say “How is ….. doing?” or “How did…..turn out for you?”. Be genuinely enthusiastic. It is also helpful to remember their first name.

5) For someone you see daily after work, ask “How was your day today?” Use number 3 if this is not your first time asking this. Take the time to sit and listen.

6) Watch for mood changes (facial gestures, vocal tone, body language) and then ask “How is it going today?” or more informal “What’s up? You don’t seem yourself today?” Also if the person is excited, take the time to genuinely share in their joy.

7) If it looks like someone needs help then ask if you can help. Offer what you are able and what you can’t do then see if you can find someone else to assist.

8) Occasionally, not on schedule, not meeting an immediate request, do something nice for someone.

9) In specific language ask for what you need, but make sure the door is open. Often people are “in their own space” and if you hope to have your needs heard then you need to enter their space and they need to listen. Think of it as a knock on the door: “Is this a good time”, “Can I talk to you about something”, or “I can see your busy. When might be a good time for me to speak with you”.

10) Constructive feedback is specific with the offer to explore solutions, and again given when the door is open. Broad general feedback like “Your work ….”, “What a mess you made of things”, “You do that again and you will be….”. or “Wait till (somebody) hears about this” do not contribute to good relationships. Instead be very specific, define the problem (when, where, what happened, and what were the consequences) and then open the door to exploring solutions to prevent it from happening again. It is always a good idea to emphasize the persons strengths during this solution seeking.

11) Having to be right often leads to a fight. Sometimes stepping out of the argument and listening in an attempt to really hear the other person’s viewpoint helps. The best way to deal with an argument is to avoid having one.

12) If you attack, people react. Statements starting with “You are a…” , “How could you…”, “That was really….”, or “Can’t you see that….” can be seen as attacks. But attacking can also be perceived when something that the person has strong attachment to is being attacked, for example, “What you are doing is really….”, “It has all been done before”, “You are wasting your time”, “Your work is…”, or “How ….. could you be, don’t you realize….”.

13) When your buttons are pushed BREATHE. This requires you to become sensitive to when your buttons do get pushed, but after that has happened then STOP, and take a breath (or two) before reacting, or speaking. Think about what you are about to say and ask yourself “Is this going to contribute to understanding and relationship”. If you can’t think of something then you can ask the other person, “I don’t fully understand what you mean by……..” Some paraphrase of this can be repeated if need be. If that doesn’t help, then say “Thanks for the extra information. I will give this some thought” or “I need to have some time to think about all this” and move on to other things.

14) If you have made a mistake then admit it and take corrective action. If someone has made a mistake that affected you then help him/her take corrective action. This is part of forgiveness (see my other blog on this topic).

15) Stop complaining, whining, spreading gossip, or slipping in those little “jabs” during conversation. Time is better spent on the above 14 steps.

Fifteen steps that if practiced regularly will improve the quality of your relationships, and your life.

High quality relationships have been connected to happiness and to health. These first steps form the foundation for understanding the connections between better relationships, compassion, and high quality relationships which directly promote happiness and health.

If you have questions about compassion in relationships, please see my other blogs.