Don’t think about what time it is!

Did you picture a clock or a watch? Was it in digital form or the ‘old fashioned’ clock face with moving hands?

How about this one- Don’t eat cake! Did you picture yourself diving into a huge slice of chocolate cake with vanilla frosting piled almost as thick as the cake (okay, that’s my image!)?

Here’s the deal. The brain doesn’t process the word ‘don’t’- instead we picture the words that follow. (No wonder those ‘don’t-eat-real-foor-diets get us thinking about the forbidden foods, admonitions to not interrupt result in business meetings with everyone talking over everyone, and don’t-spend-budgets generate urges to shop-til-you-drop…).

How about all of those years of telling yourself- ourselves- what to not do- ‘don’t do this; don’t want that; don’t think or feel that way; you didn’t do …, did you?’ Yikes, no wonder we drive ourselves nuts creating pictures of the very things we want to avoid- including cake- or at least over-the-top portions- and all of those other temptations that we repeatedly tell ourselves not to pursue, want, buy, eat, ponder or even consider doing.

How often do we talk to ourselves in the language of ‘don’t’? From start of day to that
decadent thought-less moment just before we drift into the blissful state of sleep where judgmental attitudes and ‘don’ts’ can not creep, we tend to admonish ourselves- and others- with the dreadful ‘don’t’.

Don’t do this, don’t do that. You didn’t do that, did you? I hope you’re not thinking about taking that course of action. This language bombards us in the words we use with ourselves, the words we use to advise others, and the words that others use to benevolently educate us about how not to live, what to not think or say, how to not feel, and what to not do.

But here is the problem- don’t doesn’t work. In fact, ‘don’t’ produces the very opposite of its intention.

Because the brain doesn’t process the word ‘don’t’ and because we are visual, multisensory-processing creatures, in the face of ‘don’t’, we picture the words that follow the ‘don’t’. We picture the images, the directions, and the well-intended advice that follows. We picture and taste the forbidden foods of a diet. We feel the joy of shopping. We image doing things the way our boss or parent doesn’t want us to do it. All of those images are evoked in living color, in multisensory modes, when the message starts with ‘don’t.’ And that includes when we coach ourselves in the language of ‘don’t’!

Now, I will admit it, we usually assume that the other person knows what we mean when we tell then to not do something. And we are certain that we ourselves understand the intent and directive of a well-intended ‘don’t’ instruction to self during our daily non-stop self-coaching. But these assumptions are not always accurate. I know this from the thousands of stories that my coaching clients have told me about how they heard one thing but their boss or colleague intended another- or how they intended to ‘not’ eat or drink or buy or do something- and that was exactly what they did and pretty much all they could think about.

Okay, so what is a person to do when ‘don’t’ is not producing the desired results?

Do use do.

Here is the ‘REALLY DO IT!’ change challenge- replace each of your ‘don’ts’ with ‘do’s’. I will do it too!

And here is our game plan- I am going to teach you a strategy that I distilled from cognitive psychology and that I have taught to clients who put it into play to prevail over life-threatening illness, negative bosses, ‘don’t-full’ life partners, and negative self-talk.
It’s been field-tested by people facing down challenges as diverse as extraordinary battles against a life-altering injury to everyday battles as a road warrior in commuter traffic, from delegating work to others to motivating self to leap from under the warm covers and don athletic gear to get out and join a friend for that early morning heart-building walk!

You can make this work for you- I call it TRASHIT and PACKIT. It’s a two-step dance.

Each time you hear yourself relying on the habitual ‘don’t’ (we’ve all been programmed to use it in our thinking and constant self-chatter and in our speaking and advisory services with self and others), you are going to turn it around- on purpose.

Picture your thoughts perched above your head in a thought balloon- I know you know what I mean because we are the kids who grew up with Archie and Veronica and comic books that predate any video animation known to today’s generation.

Consider that there are two types of balloons that contain our talk including the constant self-chatter in which we tell ourselves what to do or not do.

First, there is what I call the TRASHIT balloon. (Notice there are three words embedded in this- ‘trash’, ‘it’, and another one that represents the contents of this balloon- it’s full of garbage including the ‘don’ts’ that you want to eradicate from your life.) TRASHIT balloons are chock full of the kind of thinking and self- and other-talk that is not effective for getting you where you want to go, for creating the life you want, the life you deserve, for creating images of what you want to do including the changes you want to make. It’s full of trash and that includes the ‘don’ts’. The TRASHIT balloon is large and dark and hefty and weighs us down as it hovers over our heads and shoulders. We want to get rid of it….

The second type of thought balloon is what I call the PACKIT balloon. Three words again- ‘pack’, ‘it’, and ‘kit’ to represent the stuff that we choose to bring with us on our trek through life. Your PACKIT represents the language and images, sensations and feelings that you want to take with you on your journey. Your PACKIT is filled with the words and images that inspire you, that encourage your heart to believe that you can do things and that others can pull through too. It if full of words to power you up, to move you to action, i.e. motivate you- including the ‘do’s’. This type of balloon is light and airy and looks like your most-loved carrying case. Whether it’s decorated with the logo of your favorite sports shoe, the initials of a designer, a bright pink, or basic black, your PACKIT balloon is the package of thoughts that you want to bring along with you on your life journey.

Here is how to use it:
Each time you hear yourself use the word ‘don’t’- either aloud or in the privacy of your thought balloon, picture that TRASHIT balloon filled with the ‘don’t as a huge and hefty trash bag. Practice with me now. Picture a TRASHIT balloon hovering over your head, one from today when you were beating yourself up about not doing something. Now, take a deep breath in and as you release that breath, picture releasing that TRASHIT balloon into the air all the while saying to yourself, with glee- TRASHIT! And watch it rise into thin air- out of mind and out of sight.

Now it’s time to replace the contents of your thought balloon- and you get to choose what to pack! In this instance, it’s easy- tell yourself what to DO! Better yet, tell yourself why you want to do it… This is your PACKIT and I want you to fill it with words and images and sensations of doing what you want to do, of what you deserve to be doing. Take a deep breath in now and picture yourself, with pride, telling yourself what to do in a way that builds passion and commitment and movement. Use action words- Do get up and walk to the mailbox just to smell the flowers! Do phone your Doctor’s office to schedule that physical. Do call that friend of yours or your parent to reach out and touch someone- and to be touched. And as you savor the contents of your PACKIT, allow yourself to really feel it, to visualize yourself doing it. Then get up and get started with your doing of life.

Don’t forget- oops! Let me try that again- Do Remember to write in with your comments to let me know how you are making this work for you. I want to hear your ‘Really Did It!’ tales and to field any questions you have so you can finetune your technique and live the life you love and love the life you live. Breathe- TRASHIT- Breathe- PACKIT. Be bold and be yourself.

Thank you for the gift of your time and attention.

Looking forward,
Dr. Pam Brill