Sitting here today I watched a TV show on which this couple explained to the designer, who was redoing a living space for them, just how important entertaining their family and friends meant to them and why they wanted the area to be cozy and roomy enough. They were from India and explained that having friends and family in your home showed your prosperity.

I thought to myself, wow, then I’m broke, because other than a few times I haven’t entertained in my home like I used to love, like I used to enjoy. Back when I lived in PA, where all my family lives, where I left so many friends that I had gathered over my lifetime.

Thinking more I thought how I have isolated myself here in NY since I ended an 8 year relationship a little over a year ago this past October. And questioned why I am still in NY when I should have moved back to PA immediately. Using my job as an excuse I hung around here. I told myself I didn’t want to make new friends here because I wasn’t staying in NY. So I haven’t made new friends but I also haven’t enjoyed the company of my good friends here either but more than once or twice. I have opted out doing much with them when they ask.

Today I was lonely for my family, very lonely for them. My sisters and brother are getting older and time is running out. My son is aging but not before my eyes because I’m not there. I miss my son very much and wish I could cook for him every Sunday like my mother did for her adult children if you wanted to come for dinner.

The New Year is coming and I better wake up and decide what is important to me. Just writing this ….hoping I am paying attention to what I’m writing.