by Samuel T Griffis

Celeste Tribune

There is a lot of talk in this country concerning learning English. I don’t know what the big deal about this is. English is so simple. With that thought in mind, let’s go to what might be a typical adult English class.

“Okay class, today we are going to learn the spelling, pronunciation and definitions of words commonly used in the English language. Since it is raining outside, let’s begin with the word RAIN. Can anyone spell it for me? Yes, you in the back.”

“R-E-I-G-N.”

“No, that’s incorrect. It is pronounced the same, but you are defining being over something or ruling a country. Something like that. I am talking about the rain falling from the sky. Anyone else want to try?”

“Sure. I’ll give it a shot. R-E-I-N.”

“ Well, again that sounds just like the one I am wanting spelled, but that means to pull back or control something. Unless you use it with the word give, such as give rein to, then it means the opposite. It means to give complete freedom. Understand? Good. The correct spelling is R-A-I- N. Now, we need to move on. Speaking of need, that’s a good one to learn. Someone want to use the word NEED in a sentence?” Young lady, can you give me an example?”

“The man tried to kiss me, so I kneed him in the groin.”

“Ouch. Great example. I bet he is singing tenor now. Never mind, forget I said that. No, that’s not right. I am talking about a requirement or necessity. Sounds the same, but different meaning and spelling. The way you used the word, it is spelled K-N-E-E-D. Anyone else? And this time spell it.”

“To pay all my bills, I K-N-E-A-D to make more money.”

“No, no, no, No! That is completely wrong! Your spelling means to work with dough to give it the proper mix and texture. Yes, it has the same pronunciation, but the need I am referring to is spelled N-E-E-D. If you two will notice both of your examples are also spelled with a K.”

“But, teacher, I didn’t hear no K.”

“ It’s any K, not no K. Okay? The K is silent. You don’t pronounce the K.”

“Then why is it there? That don’t make no, uh, any sense to me. You’re telling me KEEP is pronounced EEP, KILL is really ILL and KICK is ICK?”

“Are you saying you do not understand why a letter is silent in a word? Do I have to break it down to the lowest form of the English language for you to get it? It is because. Well, it is because, you see if you put the letter there, well then it…..Say, look at the time. We better go on to a couple of more words and then we will be through. THROUGH as in finished, not THREW as in tossed a ball. Ha, ha. Sorry. Just a little English humor. I tell you what, why don’t we finish up today by using the last letter of the alphabet in a sentence. And go ahead and spell it. Come on, surely someone can do it. What about you, Zach?”

“I Z-E-R-O-X-E-D all my notes because I wanted extra copies.”

“Sorry, Zach. That sounds as if it would be right, but it’s not. Try again.”

“I Z-E-E-R-O-C-K-E-D my notes?”

“No. Again.”

“I S-E-A-R-O-C-X-Z-E-D my notes?”

“Oh, my goodness, my goodness, my goodness. Your pronunciation of the word was spot on, but every spelling you gave me was wrong. It is so simple. Xerox starts with an X, not a Z. In fact, almost every word starting with an X is pronounced Z.”

“I have to say, teach, that is stupider than all those silent K’s you spoke about earlier.”

“ Ahem. You mean it is more stupid. Give it another go. Use a Z word in a sentence.

“ Of all the classes I have ever attended, this one definitely rates a ZERO.
Z-E-R-O. I am out of here!"

"By. Buy. Bye."