She had been sick most of this year and very anemic for the past few months, with periods of confusion where it seems as if she was losing her hearing and eyesight from time to time.
Last week she got worse, she became increasingly weak and wobbly and was having a hard time standing and walking any distance. The vet said it was acute anemia and even with further testing he could not determine where the blood lost was coming from or for that matter what the underlying cause of the anemia was and even if he could determine this what with her age and rate the symptoms were increasing, that there was not much he could do for her at this stage that could possible help.
I chose to take her home and try something’s on my own that had helped her in the past, she has been anemic most of her adult life, but it had never been this bad before. I took some time off to be with her to see if I could get her blood built back up on my own as I had done so many times in the past, and to keep her from hurting herself during her weak spells. She did seem to be doing better until Thursday morning when I knew it was just a matter of hours, so I gathered her up and took her back to the doctor’s office, to see if they could ease her passing a little bit, not really wanting to euthanize her but no wanting her to suffer either, not that she was showing signs of being in pain or suffering other than the increased ragged breathing.
I just didn't want her to be in pain at the end, I wished her peace, but I was not really sure that her fight for her life was quite over - her life her wonderful life that she had lived and loved for 13 years. So I took her in for one final check up. Doctor said it was best to go ahead and help her pass over but I just could not do it.
Moose much have sensed that I did not want to put her down, which would have been too hard for me, knowing that I chose to end her life before her time. She started rallying, pushing herself up, getting ready to go back home again, as she tried to get down off the exam table like she was ready to go home, I guess the strain of it caused her to have another seizure I held her in my arms and stroked her head and whispered in her ear that she had my permission to pass if that is what she needed to do. As I held her she passed there in the doctor’s office peacefully in my arms, on her own terms.
In after thought I wish I had just let her pass at home and buried her on a piece of land at one of my friends’ places. But it was just her shell I left there at the doctors and not her spirit, not her soul. As I left her there I knew that fer soul had already passed and her spirit would always be with me and the little bears, that and her memories that we shared.
I am doing a lot better than I thought I would be - at peace with it for the most part, only a few really bad moments of sadness. She had prepared me for her passing in the only way she knew how, she had loved me more in the last few months than she ever had, seeking me out for quite moments of tender love.
In hindsight I knew that her days were numbered. I had seen the signs for quite some time now, I just didn't want to admit that she was that old or that weak from the years of adult anemia, you know how you try for denial it just isn't possible.
Spending the time I did with her last week really helped me ease into the fact that she was leaving this physical plane. I know it would have really devastated me if I had been at work or out when she had passed instead of being with her holding her when she drew her last breathe. It helped the little bears too, seeing her go down as fast as she did in the last days, they were there with her surrounding her, keeping her company through those long last days too. None of us really slept well that last week, we were all alert to her needs and there to comfort her when she was awake.
You had a wonderful life my Moose and I will always have the beautiful memories of all your antics, love and devotion to keep me company during the long days ahead and lots more stories to write of my adventures with my 70+ pound Moose girl.
Plus I have my JuJuBear and Mouse to love and keep safe during their finial years with me too.
