Look at that face! No way I would stop caring for him!...

On Monday, a new nurse named Maria came by to admit Albert into the Hospice. The last time, the nurse was not warm and friendly but this time, we sat together and talked about my husband's history and she seemed genuinely interested in what could make my life and the end of his life easier.

I knew that the furniture needed to be changed over to the Hospice suppliers and we went through a few tries to get the "right" bed. The new-used bed is heavy to move and is cutting grooves in my carpeting in the bedroom every time I move it. A new rolling shower chair already helped us. The wheelchair was good. A new circulating air mattress is in place and this low humming is like bees are in the bedroom at night.

My husband has changed already. He sleeps a lot and is eating less. When I hug him - he is all bones and he likes to be held close. He had a runny nose and a little cough and I was on pins and needles that it would turn to pneumonia and kill him - yesterday.

I find I am very anxious and I must have a subliminal idea of when I think it would be okay for his life to end and it is not today. And I know if he suddenly died...ahead of my "acceptable" schedule...I would be a mess so I am trying to get some "things" done.

This weekend, I hope to get my 2008 taxes done and into the CPA Monday, for instance. I filed the extension and now the bank wants to see the numbers for a re-finance I am doing on our house. No more waiting! I literally have a 10 inch stack of medical deductions to add up from last year. Ugh!

Some of the Hospice people are new and some were here last time but when someone is really dying and it is not palliative care - it is different. My husband is tired and I have lost my mojo. They come and go, checking his vitals and asking about his eating and drinking. They are seeing where he is in the "process."

I am ashamed to say right now, it doesn't matter to me. The die is cast when his living will took over and when I signed Monday for comfort measures - my hopes and dreams for our life together died that day. Now, I am just trying to make sure that this part of his life is gentle and I can let go when the time comes.