As my mother’s memory continues to fade, I decided it was time to see if there was anything out on the internet that I could find out about her family. I “googled” her maiden name and up popped a link to a site with a listing of several generations of her father’s family in Brazil. I was amazed to see her listed there, along with my father, and her first husband who was killed in WWII. It listed that she had five children but not our names. The tree included my grandfather and his siblings, their respective wives and their children, and his father and his siblings and a brief history of when they moved from England to Brazil, all the way back to 1810.

What struck me most was that the women in the tree were inconsequential, despite the fact that they contributed as much to the continuance of the family line. When we marry, we take the names of our husbands and our family history somehow becomes less important. Part of the reason for my search was to see if there was more I might be able to find out about my mother since she is no longer able to share that history with us. I already have a fairly extensive history on my father’s side of my family, but when I think about it, that history is all Gillis and not anything to do with my grandmother. Again, an important part of the story but lost when she accepted his name. Through marriage we somehow lose our identity.

My friend Cali wrote about this as well recently because she has taken her birth name and birthright back, something I applaud. But I wonder how much we know of our mother’s or our grandmother’s side of the family.