Yesterday my 41 year old cousin shot himself. His family won't discuss it - they had been estranged for some time. Apparently he was having marital problems, money problems, had grown extremely obese and isolated. He hadn't responded to my attempts to reach him recently but that was really nothing new. There won't be a service - his family will have him cremated at he will be laid to rest next to his mother.
But here's my issue. Had the family remained in touch dispite all that transpired would he still be alive? I myself have little to do with one son who is truly an embassment to me and everyone else who knows him. My grandchildren have suffered and continue to do so because of his behavior.
But how would I feel if he killed himself? He will turn 31 this month. His father doesn't speak with him either. Maybe this is a time for me to reflect on this relationship. It's hard to welcome a liar and thief into your home. But I certainly do not wish him dead.
Years ago, when I married, my father "sat shiva" for me. Thats what Jews do whensome dies. He hated my husband and said I was dead. Two years later we reconciled. He regreted what he had done and I was still alive for us to make amends. But my cousin is dead. And his family cannot reconcile.
This feels terrible to me. Death is so final. And for such a young person to take his own life seems so terribly tragic. I'm a therapist. I help people get through the tough times. I never knew what he was going through. He never called and no one ever told me. Somehow I feel I might have helped. His mother was so close to me. Her death - at 54 - was another great loss. I feel I failed her.