The fact I’m no longer thirtysomething suddenly struck me upside the head last week, leaving me to repeat the same words over and over, “Hell, no! Hell, no!”

I had worked outside for several hours without wearing a hat. It was a beautiful spring day, and it just felt good to be with Nature. When I showered and brushed my hair back into place, I felt a twinge of pain on the crown of my head. “What the heck?” I asked myself. “Am I having a reaction to shampoo or something?

Then it struck me like a ton of bricks. It was that four-letter word all men dread: B-A-L-D!

It seemed like just yesterday I had a full head of hair, but suddenly it was happening. I discovered a spot on the back of my noggin where the hair was thinning. Obviously, the sun had burned it. I was horrified to be losing my full head of hair. The thought one day all that will remain is skin, scared me. All sorts of things ran through my mind:

1. If Dave Letterman hears of this, I’ll never live it down.
2. My collection of visors will not conceal my embarrassment.
3. Will my hairstylist charge me less?
4. Damn, this could be the beginning of the end. Today Rogaine, tomorrow Viagra!
5. Wouldn’t it be terrible if when people walked behind me they had to shield their eyes from the glare off of my scalp?
6. What if my friends nickname me Jon Luke?

In reality, I guess it’s not too bad. I can always wear my hair longer. I already comb it straight back. So, maybe nobody will notice if I conceal it with my natural salt-and-pepper locks? I never really minded the salt-and-pepper look either. Now that I have less of it, maybe caring for it will be easier.

I also am contemplating trading tht visor collection for baseball caps. No, I’ll switch to cowboy hats and fedoras. When was the last time you saw an old guy mowing the lawn in Florida wearing a fedora, though? Yikes! This new revelation scares me.

As I stretched and turned to see if I could get a better view of my hair loss, I took another hard glance in the mirror, only to be horrified a second time. Guess what? I’m not only losing hair from the back of my head, my forehead is a lot larger than it used to be, too. Great Scott! I’m getting old!

That’s it! I have no other choice. I’m shaving it all off. I plan to take my daily walks with a pocket full of suckers and a salutation that will stop my neighbors in their tracks. “Remember who love’s you, baby!” It worked for Kojak; maybe it will work for me.

If my neighbors don’t like it, I’ll take my hat off and blind them. Now, would you pass me the sunscreen?