High up there on my list of “Great Life Achievements” is my relationship with my wife, Betsy. This is now at 22+ years (married, and 2-years before that) and still going strong. Betsy and I are quite different from most people in many areas. I am happy that we are weirdoes however, because time-and-again I am reminded that the majority of the Human Race is kinda dumb, and really, really screwed-up. When I analyze our relationship, I think that our secret could be boiled down into a simple expression;

“Always treat your partner with the same respect that you would show a stranger you just met.”

You don’t argue with, nag, yell at or insult a casual acquaintance in the street. You don’t make demands of them, or try to tell them what they can or cannot do. You discuss and, if necessary, compromise. In 22-years, Betsy and I have never had an “argument”. Some may jump on this as proof that our relationship is “unhealthy”, but healthy-is as healthy-does. I know that this may fly in the face of a lot of traditional “marriage theory”, but we are happy and deeply in love after all this time, and a lot of folks aren’t, sooo… who’s wrong?

I think that a lot of people (and therapists) believe that “Marriage” is an entity. It is a thing greater than the sum of its parts and that individuals just sign up and participate in it. People are supposed to assume “roles” in a marriage and these roles have “job descriptions”. Though I have never been to marriage therapy, my understanding is that a major goal is to get both parties to recognize this greater entity and come to a mutual agreement on the job descriptions and responsibilities of each role. What crap!

For me, there is no “marriage entity” and no job descriptions; there is only another individual, named Betsy, who I love very much and share a house, chores, finances and a lot of fun with. The fact that we had a marriage ceremony 22-years ago gives me no special “rights” over her. I have no business telling her how to live her life, nor would I accept her telling me how to live mine. Fortunately, she doesn’t try.

I often hear commentary like, “A good marriage takes a lot of work”. I have never understood this expression. I have never applied any “work” to my relationship with Betsy, and I trust that she has not either. I think that the reason for this is a concept, less common than people want to believe, called “Love”.

If Betsy wants me to do something for her, I don’t need to “work” at suppressing my personal desires in order to do it. This is because pleasing her IS one of my greatest personal desires. That, boys and girls, is what the word “love” actually means. So it isn’t; “Oh shit, I have to clean the house again while she is off doing her thing with her friends”; it is; “She is going to really like coming home to a clean house, so maybe I’ll do the basement also”. And she does the same for me too, although of course, neither of us ever “keeps score”.

A happy marriage; How can so much time, energy and human misery be wasted trying to achieve something so simple and easy? Like John said, All You Need Is Love.