When my Mother died on January 30th I had planned on a period of grieving in advance of her death. She had Alzheimer's disease and we could see her losing her battle a little more each day that past. I knew I would be facing losing her and knew I would be heartbroken.
So I took a month off of life to deal with my feelings and my grief. After the first month, I found I wasn't quite ready to jump into the world as of yet. I needed more time. I needed the permission to feel the emotions I was feeling. I could have 'stuffed' them, I know because I have at times since Mom death. But for only short periods of time and than I seem to spend my time in quiet contemplation whenever life allows.
I think back to my youngest days trying to strain to recall her and things about her. I never want to forget her, she meant so much to me. I don't want to forget one detail. My Mother, my bestfriend, my confidente. Oh how I long to call her and cry on her shoulder about losing my Aunt Joan only a mere month after losing her. She loved Joan and I hope they are smiling like they used to whenever they were together.
I am weary of death, it is so depressing, so lonely. No one wants to hear your morbid grieving. So you must keep it to yourself. It seems the world forgets you lost the most important person in your world after one week! You are left with the wounds and battle scars of keeping up with life. I have done much better during the loss of my Mother than I did with the loss of my younger Brother. I grieved for ten years for that boy. It is different with Mom, she was suffering in the end. It was horrifically hard to watch our Mother in that much pain. It got to be death was a welcome visitor. We were traumatized by her death and the sight of it. We decided to take care of her at home but this was the first time we had ever been alone with a dying person and it was scary. You wanted to do the right things, but what are the right things? We all knew the day she passed that this would be the day she died. It was obvious to all of us. We watched over her all day like hawks each of us taking turns checking on her. Steadily, but slowly she lost ground until she exhaled and never inhaled gain. It was the very moment you wished you never live to see. I went into shock I think, I just felt numb. "She's gone" we kept saying to each other.
So here I am grieving in my second month, I am hoping Spring and the warmer weather get me outside, my Mother was an avid gardener and I take after her in that regard, so I may just be thinking of her while I dig in the dirt this Spring. I will talk to the plants like each one is Mom. Hopefully they will appreciate the extra love and attention since I no longer haver her to give it to.
You have my permission for all of you to take time to "feel" if you need to.
