#1 Hamsters

In January the local YMCA offered memberships with no joining fee. I’ve been trying to lose some excess pounds that just seem to find ways to stick around even though I’ve told them they’re no longer welcome on my body. Leave, I say! Go! They just snicker at me and invite their friends over to sit on my hips. Obviously I needed outside help in defeating the forces of Ice Cream and Middle Age. I can master either one one-on-one, but both at the same time? I am no match. So twice a week I haul myself down to the Y, wait in line for a treadmill and act like a hamster for 30 minutes. I actually started thinking about hamsters the other day on the treadmill. Why don’t they offer those round plastic balls that hamsters roll around in, that way I could play my music as loud as I wish and not bother the guy next to me intent on watching CNN. It’d be fun – we could get different color balls, and they’d have different music themes for each one …and then I had this scary thought – hamsters generally only live a year and they run like crazy every day! What the heck are we doing here? Shortening our lives, I say. Maybe if hamsters sat on their little hamster couch at night and ate mocha chocolate chip ice cream while watching The Food Channel they’d live longer.

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#2 Bikes from Hell

In a fit of misplaced optimism early on I thought I'd try the cycling class one Sunday. It's just riding a bicycle, right? I’ve ridden bikes since I was 5, how hard can this be? Holy Mary Mother of God! Faster, faster, faster! Change the gears so you’re going uphill! Stand up! Sit down! Stand up! Sit down! I wanted to get off and throw my now empty water bottle at the extremely chirpy instructor and stalk out. Stalk?? I wasn’t even sure I could walk. My legs were in danger of collapsing under me and I was breathing so hard I was feeling lightheaded. I looked at the clock … there are 45 minutes left to this 50 minute class??? I wanted to cry. What happened to pleasant leisurely bike rides?!? And whose idea was it to make teeny-tiny bike seats that feel like you’re wearing a thong made of wood? I slowed down. I wanted to ask for training wheels for my bike. To add insult to injury (both of which I suffered, mind you) for the next week I could not get up from a sitting position without either pulling up on something or pushing up from my desk. I had to use the handicapped restroom. Thank God for those rails or I’d be in there all day! I never knew I had so many muscles in my thighs that could hurt like that all at the same time. Never again, I tell you ... beware of stationary bicycles ... they’re Satan’s work …

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#3 Gym Competition

“Checking out everybody else and trying to find ways to feel superior.” It's sick. And I do it all the time. Examples:

That woman has no idea how to use the chest press.
He’s SO much more out of shape than me.
He should really push the treadmill speed up to at least 3.5. Look at me, I can do 3.8! Hah!
She’s wearing that sweatshirt to cover her belly.

Of course, I usually get my due when I'm on the treadmill on the back row and have to look at some young girl's tight tush on the treadmill in front of me for 30 minutes. And she runs the whole time! No brisk walking for her. Very discouraging ... I'll have to stick to the front row from now on, apparently. And watch the Food Channel.