MOVIE MUSICIAN CLICHES
I get a real kick out of watching how films portray musicians. It’s about as real as how athletes, police, priests, students, soldiers, aliens….or anybody else gets shown. Musicians are presented as a series of clichés, most of which illustrate the fact that most filmmakers have absolutely no idea of how musicians, or ordinary people live their lives.
Here’s my list of movie musician clichés:
Musicians in films are always in mental and emotional turmoil, apparently as part of being a suffering artist. The better the musician, the more mentally unstable they are.
Musicians in films are incapable of conducting themselves like ordinary people. They use over -exaggerated gestures, have intense facial features, frequent emotional outbursts and tend to stare off into space.
Musicians cannot carry on a normal conversation. They are never articulate, but slur their words and speak slowly in a mumbling drawl. They use a lot of jargon like “hip” or “dig” in normal conversation. Everyone expects this and understands what they mean.
Movie musicians usually have poor haircuts, facial hair, a goatee or mustache, all sloppily maintained. Their clothes are usually disheveled, wrinkled and their tie is at least two decades out of style. Movie musicians sleep in their clothes, on top of the covers.
Film musicians live in small, cramped, barely furnished one room apartments with a single bed, one dresser, a chair, a music stand or upright piano and a neon sign flashing outside the window. They are always behind on their rent and facing the prospect of having to pawn their beloved instrument.
Movie musicians always have some sort of substance abuse problem, usually alcohol or one of the narcotics that are always readily available backstage.
Movie musicians seldom eat, and if they do it is in a run down diner in the small hours of the morning. They drink a lot of coffee, usually while smoking.
Movie musicians never cook, never clean, don’t do laundry, don’t read or watch television, do not exercise, do not shop, go to church, movies or sporting events, and spend all their waking hours agonizing over their music.
Movie musicians never have happy marriages. They are usually divorced, estranged from their children and misunderstood by any other family members.
All musicians smoke, all the time, but especially while on the bandstand. This has no effect on horn players, who never cough or get short of breath. The smoke never annoys other musicians or members of the audience.
A movie musician will always have an alcoholic drink nearby while on stage, preferably with a lit cigarette. Musicians always use Zippo chrome lighters.
Musicians in films seldom sweat, and if they do it is merely a few drops of perspiration on their brow designed to show effort, not physical discomfort.
Musicians carry their instrument with them everywhere, out of the case, and in one hand like a loaf of bread. They are ready to play at a moment’s notice, which often happens. A music number can break out anywhere, especially in the street where dozens of other musicians and impromptu dancers will appear.
Movie musicians avoid dancing. Male musicians never dance unless it is the obligatory slow dance. Female musicians may dance, but only in a suggestive manner when drunk.
Hot shot singers may dance on occasion as long as it involves gyrations, flirtatious gestures, sliding across the floor and leaping from table to table. Small, round four-person tables are always ideal for dancing, stable, perfectly balanced and positioned. There are no drinks or objects in the way.
Movie musicians are a homogeneous group. They all know each other and can communicate without words with sideways glances or barely perceptible gestures.
When musicians play together, even if they have never met, they instinctively know complex arrangements, chord changes, tempo changes, four and five song medleys as well as several verses of lyrics. The key of a song is never discussed nor specified.
When a backup band is playing a song they have never heard (often written by the hero) the instructions “watch me” are sufficient to guarantee a perfect performance.
Soloists always know when it is their turn, and exactly when to start and stop.
Nobody is ever out of tune, or too loud. No instrument ever malfunctions. The PA is always perfectly EQ’d and there is never any feedback.
Pianos can sit in a corner for decades and remain in tune, functioning perfectly. Drums are never out of tune, but are always set up incorrectly.
There are no left-handed drummers in the world of movie musicians.
It is possible for a movie drummer to do cymbal crashes without making the cymbal move. Similarly, it is possible for a drummer to make drum sounds while merely waving sticks in the air above the drums.
Movie horn players almost always play with their eyes open and never puff out their cheeks or strain. Movie horn players do not generate any saliva.
Horn players, even saxophone players, can miraculously get a perfect tone while playing into a microphone located near their mouth, designed for singers.
Movie piano players always have a lit cigarette on the keyboard, along with a drink. They never use the pedals.
Movie guitar players are all right-handed, play Fenders strung low and stand with one leg in front of the other. They can get an amazing spectrum of sounds using the fingering for only three chords. Lead guitarists always have a pained expression.
Lead singers stand still, rocking slowly front and back while staring at the ground when they are not singing.
Bass players never speak.
In the world of movie musicians, a four-piece group can mysteriously create the sound of a full orchestra complete with brass section, strings, woodwinds, percussion and background vocals.
Movie singers can make their voice echo without even using a microphone, let alone a mixing board and PA.
If there is ever a fight, the combatants will inevitably wind up crashing into the drums. The cymbals will fall over with a literal crash. The rest of the drums will collapse and roll around the stage.
In a musician fight, nobody ever gets hurt. It is possible to take several severe punches to the mouth, pick up your instrument and play as though nothing has happened.
Movie musicians can hold a live mic, stand in front of the PA and deliver a soliloquy without as much as a squeak or hint of feedback. Everyone in the place can hear every word.
The acoustics in small, cramped bars are always exceptional. Every patron can hear every note, even while carrying on a conversation. All musicians on stage can hear perfectly.
There is always plenty of space, ventilation, electrical outlets, lighting, chairs and facilities for the largest or smallest band.
There are often scantily clad women roaming around backstage, or cavorting in their dressing rooms, even if the business is not a burlesque establishment. Strangely enough, there is a “backstage” even if there is no stage.
Movie musicians never have to set up or tear down their equipment. It mysteriously appears and disappears, without the participation of roadies or setup crews.
Movie musicians never arrive at a party unknown. As soon as they arrive everyone knows and recognizes them and they are surrounded by admirers. Other musicians will suddenly appear, with their instruments, to afford an opportunity for the arriving musician to play.
The corner of a living room can be instantly transformed into a stage complete with PA system, microphones, lighting and amplifiers merely by having the right musician appear.
Under no circumstances is a musician to go to the bathroom for any reason other than to primp, fight, agonize, plot or get high.
Movie musicians never have to change into a different outfit to play. They go about their daily lives in the same clothes they play in.
Many films feature a “hero” musician we are supposed to sympathize with. The “hero” of a musician movie inevitably winds up in a type of “big solo” showdown with a rival and other musicians. His girl friend and primary supporter will hover nearby for moral support, suffering along with him.
The hero musician never gets his big solo right the first time. The plot dictates that he must resolve some type of problem before he can successfully play his big solo and get the recognition and praise he deserves.
The audience instinctively knows when a musician screws up, especially during his big solo. They indicate this by nodding knowingly and looking at each other with concerned expressions. Even though they may be perfect strangers and non-musicians, audience members fully understand the significance of what is happening.
When the hero musician screws up his big solo, he doesn’t just play a bad note or move to the wrong chord….he completely forgets how to play his instrument and is incapable of continuing.
If he is a saxophone player, the horn will squawk and screech. A piano player will notice his fingers no longer function. And of course the drummer will drop his sticks and they will roll offstage, and replacement sticks will be nowhere nearby.
At this point he will abandon his instrument and run offstage, down the steps and out into the street, where it is always night and the streets are wet.
The rest of the musicians will stop playing while the audience recoils in horror. The girl friend pursues him but to no avail, even though she can run swiftly down dark, wet streets in high heels with no difficulty. The remaining band members then begin playing a calming instrumental ballad with no discernable melody, to avoid royalty issues.
The typical set for a movie musician is one song, after which the band takes a break and the hero musician heads off into the crowd for accolades.
Musicians during break have a limited repertoire of activities. The hero of course is receiving love and affection from the crowd. The remaining musicians can stay on stage and fiddle with their equipment, walk over to the bar and talk to the bartender (named Bud or Jimmy) while perusing the crowd, talk to someone offstage or stroll off with other musicians to drink, smoke, etc.
When the hero musician finally plays his big solo correctly, he is accepted by the other musicians and given a standing ovation from the audience. His rival leaves in disgrace. The hero receives adulation from the crowd and acceptance from his girl friend.
Copyright 2007 by Lee Chestnut
