Stole my chair, then after my birds outside!!...
HOW TO MEDICATE YOUR CAT
We received this set of instructions via email. We don't know whom to credit for
such detailed information. CAT:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth
pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and
repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly
with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse
from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
vigorously rub cat's throat.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to
buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases
from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible
from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take
taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet
with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink
beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and
check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek
to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one
from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little *$#'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to
see if they have any hamsters.
posted by Avunculer
Day 752- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I met eat another houseplant.
DAY 761- Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.
DAY- 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY- 765 Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts., They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick Minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY – 771There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of “allergies.”
DAY 774- I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems to more then happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (Something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it’s just a matter of time.
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