"I've never been a millionaire but I know I'd be just darling at it. " -- Dorothy Parker. view link

Greetings, darlings! I’m here with gossip to make you giggle, gasp and – if the word PENIS makes you uncomfortable – click off.

Say whaaaaaat?

Say, oh, you do TOO want to know what this penis thing is. I mean, I trust by this time you KNOW what a penis thing is from an anatomical viewpoint but this item is about a thing that looks like a thing, i.e. a penis, but isn’t. And it just got some faux penis makers jailed.

I’ll take a whiz at explaining it: To wit, Robert Catalano and George Wills thought they had quite a pisser of a good idea – the Whizzinator. So they designed a fake penis that contained dried drug-free urine and you ( not me, I have never had a use for a fake penis) , that is, guys trying to beat drug tests whipped this thing out if they were being watched and somehow body heat or a battery or something ( I am trying not to think too closely about the details) caused the fake dry pee to turn into liquid pee.

The result? A clean drug test.

Only, ol’ Uncle Sam doesn’t take likely to being , well, peed on by penile prosthetics.

So Catalano and Wills were arrested and just pleaded guilty in U.S. District Court for conspiring to sell their Whizzinator . They are headed to a possible eight years in prison and a half million dollar fine.

Now what does this have to do with celeb gossip? Well, a couple of celebs have been caught whipping out the fake penie and trying to beat drug tests – namely once-upon-a-time NFL running back Ontario Smith and actor Tom Sizemore.

Hmmmm, what does all this remind me of.... oh, yes, being PISSED OFF. And that’s what Cynthia Rodriguez AND her supposed nemesis, Madonna, both are at the studly looking Alex Rodriguez, or A-Rod as he is known ( and don’t ask me if that means his , well, rod is an “ A” or what.... get your minds out of the GUTTTTTTTER!)

Leaked e-mails from Cynthia say she is over-the-moon mad that her ex husband has little to no interest in their little kids, Natasha, 4, and Ella, 1. Instead of seeing them over Thanksgiving, he’s throwing a traditional dinner at his Manhattan apartment for Madonna and her brood, Lourdes, Rocco and David, and her manager Guy Oseary.

The Yankee, Cynthia says, is a "soul-less" man .
Speaking of souls and spiritual this and that, ol’ A-Rod, I hear, has incurred the dreaded Wrath of Madonna. He no longer wants to go to an introductory class about the mystical Jewish teachings of Kaballah that Madonna is so into ( that and wearing red strings around her wrist to protect her from evil eyes or something....)

Oh, and Madonna just blithered publicly about her marriage breakup and said she’s sad about it. Guy, on the other hand, keeps on looking cheerier and cheerier, as if the weight of the world has been lifted off those broad shoulders . Of course, sweeties, he could be happier because now HE is off the hook and doesn't have to sit through those Kaballah meetings any more.

From the Who Cares news department: Faux News has announced that boring, bland, homely and inarticulate Alan Colmes -- sidekick to no-forehead, I.Q. of a squirrel, can’t interview only talks over guests, Sean Hannity --- is leaving the prime-time show "Hannity and Colmes"after a dozen years.

"We have a Democratic House, Senate and president," Colmes said in an interview. "My work is done." Oh, PUHLEAZE, I thought the self-destruction of the George W Bush regime had a little something to do with the election, n’est-ce pas? No decision has been made on who will replace Colmes, but what that show REALLY needs is someone , oh, about 5’10, blonde, writer who is a TRUE independent and can actually interview, debate and talk rationally. Uh, gee... could it be moi? Aside to Fox: have your people call my people and I’d be HAPPY to audition with no-forehead, I mean, Hannity.

While on the subject of obnoxious so-called news personalities, the New York Post says Ann Coulter broke her jaw ( from yakking too much?) and had to have it wired shut. I don’t know if this is true but rumor has it applause broke out in her doctor’s office when word spread her mouth would be wired closed for some time.

This just in: Barbra Streisand is working in the studio to record her first studio album in 4 years! She’s rumored to be working with one of my fave jazz performers, the fabulous Diana Krall ( methinks Krall is doing some arrangements for La Streisand). This will be Barbra’s 63nd(!!) album.

Ever wonder what happened to the glamour of old Hollywood, darlings? Well, you won’t find it dripping from the trailer-trashy looking style of unmarried power couple director Tim Burton and actress Helena Bonham Carter. Can you believe they go out in public like this?



Happy Thanksgiving!!! When you take a break from stuffing the turkey -- and yourselves -- pop over here and post YOUR picks, snits, views, and pans. And if you haven't joined Gossip Au Go Go yet, get your cute gossipy butt in gear and do it RIGHT NOW, sweeties: view link

In the meantime, go out there and do something so BOOMingly outrageous, people stop and sigh, “ It’s been EONS since I’ve seen someone with that much va-va-va voooming energy!”