I finally let my oldest son's wife know exactly how i felt about her. It feels good to stop pretending that we can get along. From the beginning she has been in the middle claiming to negotiate for both her husband (the baby i was forced to give up for adoption in 1962) and myself. Well, i never asked her to do that. He allowed it and it made me feel like he thought i was unacceptable from the very first. I could not understand why he gave her control of a relationship he claimed he wanted. I wrote to him for two years and got only two letters from him and those were in the first month of my writing. Fot two long years i suffered the frustration of not hearing from him. I gave the social worker who found him for me, all the genealogy that i could find. I gave her letters for him telling him about his father. Finally he cut her off. That is when i started hearing from the "wife". She claimed she was trying to mediate for us both, but it was a lie from the beginning. I could see right through it. She is a woman who controls and i was not about to be controlled. When i finally blew up at the two of them, they blamed me for the lie that he was told. They blamed me for bringing the truth to light that he was adopted. Okay, fine. He didn't know he was adopted. That is not my fault. But to hear them tell it you would think so. HEr words were I dropped a bomb on him. Did she think my life was all roses? I gave up my baby and neither of them asked why. They sat around profiling me like the FBI and if i showed any emotion or doubt at all, they called me unstable. That in itself was enough to make me unstable. But i persevered, showed patience and apologized for my outburst. I plodded along diligently waiting for him to man up. I hate controlling women. You don't see the control yet, i know you don't. But i continued and then they agreed to meet me. Mind you, i wanted to meet him first. I wanted a relationship with him and then we could introduce me to the rest of the family. But i wanted him first and she knew it. So she continued to insert herself where she knew i did not want her. Instead of telling her husband that he was over 21 and could find the means to deal with me himself, here she was making arrangements like a grande dame and inserting herself in between us. When I met them for the first time, i had asked a co worker to go with me. She and her daughter came and it make a world of difference. I was so terrified of saying anything that they could misconstrue as unstable. I didn't say much. I was afraid of my own son and his manipulating demon of a wife. So i sat and looked down and shook with fear and intimidation. He drove me home and she played the part of matchmaker/peacemaker perfectly. I have seen my mother do this a hundred times. I know the script by heart. I got over that evening without spilling my bladder. THe second time we met, my youngest son was there with his daughter and my sister's granddaughter (she is 15). That went well, but Rod never spoke more than a hello to me. His adoring wife spent the evening staring me down and trying to make me her new best friend. I almost puked. I had a good time with my grandbaby and Mariel though. David and ROd got along great and that was a blessing. That was really what i wanted. Again i was shaking with the fear factor and the intimidation of knowing that they will once again dissect me behind my back and i will know nothing of what they say and will not have a chance to defend myself or apologize if necessary. Well, I have had enough. ROd has made no move to initiate contact with me and we are approaching the third anniversary of my finding him. All i did was search for my son and i get the blame for what he has to go through because his parents kept their mouths shut when they should have spoken up. I believe in the truth. It never occurred to me that they would not tell him and that they would not tell him about his older brother who died. Who knew? Not me! HIs wife went so far as to suggest to him that i come to his birthday party. She said it was the first birthday party he had ever had. I knew better than that. I know my son even if i didn't raise him. That was the worst idea and a calculated idea to turn him away from meeting me. I knew as soon as i read that idiocy that he would not do it and he would have an adverse reaction to the suggestion. SHe had been living with him for 8 years so i know she knew how he would take it. Who does she think she is fooling? NOt me. SHe then goes on telling me problems she has and asking me for advice. She really thought i was stupid. It was a ploy. Keep me distracted while she worked on him and hoped he forgot me. She doesn't know me. I played along and gave her the best advice i could give, hoping she would stop the game playing and just tell the big baby to handle his own relationships. NOt her. Control is her middle name. I ought to know. My mother was an expert. Rod would meet me if she said so and if she did not he would not. He cannot see it but i have met women like her many times. They find a man who is gentle and loving and hurt and schmooze their way into controlling their lives, without giving the appearance of control. He has not got a clue. He is in lala land somewhere thinking that she has his best interest at heart and she is working for herself in this. What she is doing is making him dependent on her and she can't see it. As long as my meeting him serves a purpose for her she is all for it. If it looks like i might make inroads and she is not included, she gets mad. I don't want her in my life. I was raised by her only her name was Lillian and she looked like me. I hate controlling women. What part of controlling doesn't she understand about herself? I finally told her i didn't appreciate the hurt they inflicted on me and i was calling it a day. She promptly reminded me that she was hurt too. How the hell did she get in it? If she had minded her own business she would not be hurt and how could she be hurt? I only told her the truth about herself. She told me the truth about me and it didn't hurt one bit. I apologized for being petty and resolved not to do it again. I don't think i have. WHy does she think that her being hurt is of major concern in this matter? I thought it was about me and my son. How did she get in it. ANyway, she wrote a sarcastic reply when i told her how i felt and she wrote back saying that it was a lot to digest. I wrote her back saying there was very little to "digest" all she needed to do was look at it for the truth and make a decision. No digestion needed. Just an answer or an action. she didn't like that. It would mean she would lose her position between us. So in her last reply she signed herself my meddling daughter in law. Frankly, i never considered her my daughter in law. My son and i had not decided we were going for the mother and son relationship or just friendship. We had not decided anything but she decided she was my daughter in law implying a closeness that did not exist. She would have seen it if she had been paying attention. So i said at the end of my reply to her that she said it i didn't and don't blame me for anything else. She could have her blame back and i will give it to her with relish. I had so many doubts after i hit the send button. But now i am at peace with it. I will question my judgment again but i am at long last about to let him go if he cannot man up and talk to me like he knows i am here. If he continues to let his wife do his talking for him, then he is not the man i wanted him to be. I have built this bridge to him and i can burn the son of a bitch. David would encourage me to leave the door open, but i won't leave it open for her. The door is always open for him. I love my baby and i always have and always will. He has to live with his wife, not me. I don't intend to live with her. I can do without people who talk about me behind my back in derogatory terms. Who needs a backstabber? If they had that impression of me, why not ask the appropriate questions. Then they would have seen that i have been through hell also. That much Rod and I have in common. IT is dangerous to assume you know about people. Everybody has a story. I treat the nut jobs on the street with respect and civility just as though they were completely average. To me they are somebody's child. THere but for the grace of God could be my child. They apparently did not think that they are where they are by God's grace and for no other reason. He is a minister and they are both school teachers. If i thought my pastor was telling somebody i was unstable i would set the church on fire. But my own biological child minister talked about me like that. Without getting to know anything about me they came to that conclusion. Well, up theirs. I never said that if he was unstable i would not have anything to do with him. He is my child and i love him. He could have been a junkie, a sex pervert, a murderer, or anything but i would have known and loved my child not matter what. I guess he does not know what unconditional means. That is too bad. I will always love my baby. But it is time for momma to move along with her life. That bridge went up in smoke. I feel a little lighter now. Some of that baggage just fell off. God be with the two of them and their family. GOd is with me and mine. David will deploy within a few weeks. God be with him and his comrades. Pray for my baby boy. If anything happens to him, Rod will see the definition of unstable. David is my everything. He is the answer to my prayers of long ago. GOd be with you my little angel. Mommy loves you forever. I loved you from before you were born.
